"The Ultimate Fighter" Meets "The Surreal Life"

         With the UFC's bizarre endorsement of a Mark Coleman-Mauricio Rua rematch, I got another one of my great ideas. And heres a disclaimer for those of you hoping to read something serious: stop reading right now. Go toke opium and read Toffler or something. I wont be offended. Really.

      OK, so you have Coleman-Shogun 2. Kevin "Kimbo Slice" Ferguson is scheduled to execute Ken Shamrock's corpse on national TV this weekend. Just last week, Jeff Monson fought a decomposing Mark Kerr, which clearly should have been criminally investigated by the FBI. In his last few fights, Don Frye has moved around about as fluidly as Verne Troyer. I mean, I love Don Frye. I think he's a legend and a pioneer of the sport. But there isn't a fork on this planet large enough to resemble the one sticking out of his back. Even Cheech Marin isn't that washed up.

      The question is, how do these guys keep getting fights against semi-top to top competition? I'm not talking about antiques like Dan Severn, who basically like to stay active and enjoy key-locking neighborhood dads for sport. There's certainly nothing wrong with that. But to answer my previous question, it's because these guys are marketable. Why? It certainly can't be because of the way they've performed recently. So that leaves the personality factor.

Shamrock is always good for some WWE-esque "you think you're bleeping tough?" bravado, and the always-entertaining ability to go to sleep in the ropes for exactly one second, then flip out like George Brett in the Pine Tar Game when the ref stops it.

Mark Kerr is a walking apocalypse; he should just go ahead and film "The Smashing Machine 2: Seriously, I lost to Oleg Taktarov? OLEG TAKTAROV?!?" at this point. Everybody loves a good tragedy, I guess. (Note: Kerr has become particularly jarring to watch because we all know he's such a nice guy. He couldn't feasibly be more washed up. Or psychologically destroyed, for that matter. Other than that, he's pretty good. )

And Don Frye? Do I even need to tell you? The guys' a comedy goldmine. Anybody who has seen or read "Dear Don" knows exactly what I'm talking about. Was there anyone who didn't love "Dear Don"? Anyone? This man clearly needs his own show.

      For those of you scoring at home, that brings me to my idea. I have always believed that no one can decide when it is time for an athlete to retire except for the athlete himself. Even when it's tough to watch their reflexes pull an Exit Stage Right. Still, it is ultimately the athletes call. And as long as that's true, why not even the competition a bit AND showcase personalities as well? Think "The Ultimate Fighter" mixed with "The Surreal Life". You take eight fighters with the desire to shine one last time (we'll get to them in a minute) and you stick all of them in a big ass house filled with alcohol, Cuban cigars and even a private Champagne Room ("Don Frye in the Champagne Room" would be a good name for a band). In an "every man for himself" format, you have them compete in random challenges. Like, you bring in the guy who figured out that Rocky Marciano, pound for pound, hit harder than anyone else in recorded history. You bring him in, and you have him run the same tests on all eight fighters, three punches per fighter. Who would hit the hardest? Or you send the guys out into the street to try to drum up attention for themselves...lets say each of them hosts a private seminar, whoever has the most people show up wins. Then whoever is in the bottom two has to fight two 5 minute rounds, and the loser has to dress up like Gary Goodridge's sister and wave at passing cars for an hour. Stuff like that.

      Here's where I'm throwing you a curve-ball; each week, somebody gets voted off. That's right, VOTED off. It doesn't matter if they were knocked as stiff as a vodka martini; if anything, that increases their chances of remaining on the show. And whoever won the challenge would be granted immunity.

      Who are my magnificent eight? That's a great question. I'm glad I asked it. You have to get the ball rolling with Mark Coleman, who should be fighting William Ligue Sr. at this point in his career. I'm telling you, that post-fight situation when he fought Fedor Emelianenko in Vegas was the Michael Jordan of uncomfortable, awkward post-fight situations. You really had to be there. It was bad. Second, we have to go with the immortal Don Frye, just so he can say things like "yer sittin' on a gold mine there, buddy!" and "He's 'The Worlds Most Dangerous Man'? Maybe behind the wheel of a car". Shammy has to be in there. So does Kerr. My fifth selection has never even won an MMA fight, but I had to include him because all of his fights are awesome: that's right, its "The Hawtness", Mr. Yoshihiro Takayama! Like you wouldn't watch Yoshi go drink for drink with Don Frye and throw a zoned out Kerr into the pool. Sixth, we order a dose of the Big Daddy, Gary Goodridge, who might have the most one punch power in the whole house. Compelling. Of course, earlier this year he was knocked out by Choi Mu Bae. Yes, THAT Choi Mu Bae. I love my seventh selection....Bob "That really hurt, and I could probably tough it out and stay on my feet, but I'd rather just crumple in a heap and collect my paycheck" Sapp! It's always fun to have the softest guy in MMA. He'd be pining to get voted off by the third episode. 

      Making selection number eight was tough. I considered Tank Abbott, but lets be honest, Tank was never much of a threat to begin with. He deserves respect for those "holy shit!" KO's early in his career; he quickly thwarted alot of guys who came in with some board breaking balderdash. But he also has more holes in his game than Greg Ostertag, and it isn't really that fun to watch him get owned anymore. Sorry, Tank. You're no Takayama when it comes to being a can. How about Oleg Taktarov? How about...not. The guy was just never that interesting of a fighter to me. All he could do was lay there and take a thrashing. Tom Erikson? Nah. Yoshiki Takahashi? That's just cruel.

      That leaves us with....*drum roll please*......Enson "armbar from the bottom" Inoue, who may or may not be connected with the yakuza. His vibes could best be described as "tense". In fact, I'm afraid to keep writing about him. Isn't this always good for reality TV? As for a show name, it would definitely either be called "It's Alllll Over!" or "You Shoulda Been Bobbin' and Weavin!".

      The favorites? I'd go with Coleman, Sapp, and Frye, with Gary Goodridge emerging as the dark horse. And don't count out my man Takayama, who has a ridiculous chin and arms the size of Keanu Reeves.

     And since I have no ending, who am I kidding? Coleman's probably beating Shogun again.