How on Earth Do These College Football Coaches Still Have Jobs?

I’m amazed at the loyalty certain schools show these underachieving coaches.

Let’s get right to the list.

TOMMY BOWDEN, CLEMSON

OK, Clemson athletic department, we know his last name is “Bowden,” so he’s destined to be a 700-game winner, right?  The problem is, this Bowden ain’t winnin’ a damn thing. 

You may have seen the stat that with last Saturday’s home loss to Maryland, that's now SEVEN times that a ranked Bowden Clemson team has lost to an unranked team at home.

Seven?  Really? 

If Bowden was getting the job done, his ranked, running-back-stacked Clemson team should be able to at least win the lowly, softer-than-Duke-basketball ACC shouldn’t they?  

I think it’s finally time to stop torturing the hot, sexy, southern-accented girls of Clemson University with this rabid underachievement. 

JOE TILLER, PURDUE

Is this guy STILL the head coach at Purdue?  Really?  Did they write in his contract 58 years ago “shall remain head coach until his death?” 

Purdue is such a broken record.  Evvverrry year it’s the saaaammmme crap.  Start out by winning some boring non-conference games, lose to a weak Notre Dame team (or beat ‘em—like it makes a difference), then hover around .500 in the Big Ten...and ultimately end up in a bowl game that you can only see on Fox Sports Pakistan. 

Yet I never hear a peep about Tiller being on the hot seat.  I just don’t get it.  I’d like someone to explain it to me.  It’s frying my brain. 

I think it’s finally time to stop torturing the decently attractive, bad-northern-accented girls of Purdue University with this Groundhog Day football team.

RANDY SHANNON, MIAMI (FL)

Remember when Shannon commented that Urban Meyer’s late field goal “helped recruiting more than you know.  People see what kind of man you are...” and all that noise? 

Well, Mr. Shannon, that’s your opinion, and you’re entitled to it.  But just so you know, recruits also don’t really like it when your team is, ahem, TERRIBLE.  Yeah, the top recruits want to play for a team who is, you know, GOOD. 

What happened to this program?  This is pathetic.  I mean, honestly, I can’t name ONE player on this team.  That’s how irrelevant “The U” has become. 

I'll be blunt for a change: I think it’s time to fire the sh*t out of Randy Shannon.

BOBBY BOWDEN, FLORIDA STATE

Speaking of irrelevant, when’s the last time the Seminoles mattered? 

Bobby, these quarterbacks you keep getting...are you serious?  Can we have some of your drugs?  I mean, who’s the last decent quarterback you had?  Chris Weinke?  Charlie Ward? 

I can’t even watch Florida State anymore.  Nobody can.  Nobody can sit through four quarters of interceptions and bounced wide receiver screen passes.

In fact, I think I’d rather watch my house burn down than watch this atrocious, death-inducing offense try to three-yard-run their way down the field for a missed 28-yard field goal. 

I know he has a ton of wins, but I think it’s finally time to send Ol’ Bobby packin’.  These scorching hot, drunk, hot Tallahassee girls don’t deserve this. 

What other coaches (besides Washington's Tyrone Willingham obviously) need to be canned?