NFL Week Four: Letters to the League

To: Tony Gonzalez

Re: A Win or a Record?

Tony, listen: Your team just won a game. Actually, your team just won for the first time in 12 games.

I understand you wanting to get that record in front of the home crowd, but really?  Be upset at home about it, but don't go to the media.

You're telling me you don't understand how you couldn't get the ball in the last possession for those last three yards. Sherlock, your team was about to beat the Broncos. Also, your team doesn't have an NFL quarterback. Why would they even attempt a pass at the end of the game when they had it locked away?

Four handoffs to Larry Johnson—who was having an outstanding game, if you hadn't noticed—was the correct way to go. This isn't Burger King—you can't have it your way.

Records aren't meant to be scripted. Relax.

To: Matt Bryant

Re: (no subject)

Mr. Bryant, my heart goes out to you and your family. Your ability to come out and perform the way you did is not only admirable, but also a fitting tribute to your son.

I have a 15-month-old son who's provided me with unexplainable joy. I shudder to think...and while I am not a fan of your Bucs team, I am a fan of individuals like yourself.

I wish you and your family the best as you continue to cope with this.

To: Kurt Warner

Re: Retirement?

Kurt, I think it's time.

I understand though man, your wife does seem a little annoying. Those Sundays away from home are therapy, right? Even in the midst of the beatings you take, is it still better than being at home?

If you weren't aware, this is your line from Sunday: 40-57, 472 yards, two touchdowns, (here's where it gets ugly) three interceptions, six total turnovers, and five sacks.

That was an ugly game, and you reminded us all that you play like you're made of glass. If a defender gets near you, you throw the ball to their team or place it on the ground for them to pick it up.

Get ready Matt—the Bills are coming to town.

To: The Bears Defense

Re: Fourth And Inches

That was an impressive stop guys.

There's little better than a goal-line stand with the game on the line.

Kyle Orton gave you three touchdowns, but you guys won the game.

Take a look at the picture I included above—it looks like you guys are collectively swallowing Buckhalter whole.

That was awesome.

To: The Pittsburgh Steelers

Re: Sans Running Back

"Rest assured we will play with a running back this week."

Good one coach.

I've always wanted to be a running back. I'd be more than happy to suit up for one game and one game's pay. I'll play hard. Keep my mouth shut. I'm relatively injury-free. I'm in my prime. Just saying, something to consider.

In the meantime, I saw where you signed Najeh Davenport, again. Shaun Alexander's available. The Bus might consider coming back. Ron Dayne's out there.

Maybe you change the game and go with an empty backfield.

To: Brett Favre

Re:Re:Re:Re: Eh

Okay, maybe I'm wrong.

Obviously the Jets are going to change their name to the Titans (who cares if there's another team already named that...it happens all the time in college football) and let you wear that uniform all the time. Who cares about marketing and merchandise? J-E-T-S fans like their team—they'll buy new stuff.

I mean, six touchdowns—dang Brett, that's a lot. The playbook must've finally clicked for you.

And I loved how you gave your career a little pat on the back when you said your teammates were shocked to learn that you'd never thrown six in a game before.

To: Aaron Rodgers

Re: Separation Anxiety

So many streaks.

Your 157 straight pass attempts without an interception was a nice run. Then you threw three on Sunday.

I can see you're definitely committed to breaking Favre's streak of games played though. You guaranteed you'd play on Sunday, separated shoulder or not.

You're clearly an intelligent guy, and I can see that you're doing everything you can to fill the void of Favre. You're doing a commendable job, buddy. Keep up the good work.

 

To: Terrell Owens

Re: All T.O., All the Time

T.O., maybe the Cowboys should just snap the ball to you and let you decide what to do with it. Perhaps line Romo up at receiver or a double backfield of Romo and Barber with you at QB.

What the heck—since you're not at receiver, just add Felix Jones to the backfield and run the triple option.

The ball will be in your hands EVERY time.