Mayweather, Foreman and Chavez? the Top 10 Most Boring Fighters Today
Back in August of last year, I wrote an article for my blog which listed the top 10 most exciting fighters in the game today. I received plenty of feedback about it, most of which asked for a companion article listing the most boring current fighters. I meant to write it soon afterward, but things happen and I never got around to it. However, lately we’ve been subjected to some dreadfully boring fights, one in particular standing out the most. That fight prompted me to compile another entry of Lee’s Top 10 Series:
The Top 10 Most Boring Fighters Today.
As always, a few explanations into my methodology are warranted.
First, I tried to compile this list using well-known fighters so that people reading it would know who I’m referring to. There are hundreds of ultra-boring unknown fighters out there, I’m sure, but honestly, nobody cares to hear about them.
Second, the list is comprised of active fighters, not retirees, so the wretched likes of John Ruiz, Sultan Ibragimov and Steven Luevano are mercifully left out. And guys that seem on the verge of retiring or have recently unretired, such as Junior Witter, are also left out. But I have included some fighters that used to be exciting in some fashion, but have since gone the way of Washington Wizards games.
And finally, this list is not meant to be a personal attack on anyone, it’s merely in good fun, so relax and withhold your angry emails if your favorite fighter is on the list. And seriously, if he is on this list, perhaps you would be interested in watching me do my taxes or something, which equals the excitement of this group combined. I fill out a Schedule C with blinding quickness and my W-2 is ranked highly by all the major sanctioning bodies, but I digress.
10. Antonio “Magic Man” Tarver
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Unfortunately for us, his magic act doesn’t include him disappearing from the ring, where he annually bores audiences to tears with dreadful fights lasting the full distance.
From his majority decision win against a woefully inferior Elvir Muriqi, to back-to-back snooze-fest losses against Chad Dawson, to his recent foray into the heavyweight division (I have some friends that are still asleep from watching that fight), Tarver needs to stick to broadcasting, which he is quite good at. This is the one instance that I’d rather see a fighter do the talking with his mouth instead of his fists.
9. Andre “The Matrix” Dirrell
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It’s no wonder that Neo swallowed the red pill—who in their right mind would want to spend another second in this Matrix?
I’m pretty sure HBO banished this guy for his marathon against Curtis Stevens, which garnered him the nickname of Andre “Gazelle” by some people. Then we were subjected to his slow-dancing display against Carl Froch, a fight in which the most interesting thing was how loudly Froch’s girlfriend, Rachel Cordingley, would scream every few seconds. She was probably jealous of how much holding was going on in there, so who could blame her.
Thankfully, Dirrell withdrew from the Super Six tournament with supposed “medical” issues, thus saving me the trouble of finding something else to watch.
8. Willy “Small Leonard” Blain
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Admittedly, this Frenchman is not that well known, and by my own rules should be excluded from the list. But Blain’s boredom does not adhere to any rules, and is so powerful that it forced its way onto my computer.
I only placed him eighth, but really this guy could occupy every slot. He’s most notable in the U.S. for his loss to Lamont Peterson on the undercard of JuanMa vs. Penalosa, but to boxing diehards he is like caffeine to an insomniac—a pointless addition to an ongoing problem, which would be terrible undercards on Top Rank shows.
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7. BJ “El Peligroso” Flores
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The word “peligroso” translates to “dangerous,” which is fitting. If you are looking to remain conscious for the rest of the night, it is dangerous to watch him fight. But if you’ve heard him call a fight as a broadcaster, you could be forgiven if you’d prefer his fighting to his announcing.
Starting his pro career as a heavyweight, Flores was boring even by those standards, which is alarming. His move to cruiserweight resulted in more boredom, minus about 10 pounds. Flores may be ahead of his time though, because like the NFL lately, he is all about safety and minimizing head trauma, which is probably why he never sticks his mug into a good fight. He just stays on the outside all fight, jabbing and moving in an almost trance-like state, as if the booing crowd were a house DJ or something.
6. Floyd “Money” Mayweather
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Relax Floyd fanatics, I’m not saying your superhero is untalented or ineffective. I’m just saying he bores the crap out of me.
I wish he’d send me some cash instead of tweeting pictures of it, to make up for some of the PPV fees I’ve flushed down the toilet on his fights.
The most exciting thing in any of his last six fights was the near-riot that broke out during the Judah scrap. Other than that, what did we get with his fights? The laughably named “fight to save boxing” where he barely eked out a split-decision over De la Hoya? The Carlos Baldomir bedtime story, where even MJ and Tiger left early? How about Floyd carrying an older, slower, much smaller Marquez in a fight that should have lasted only a few rounds, seeing as Marquez was fighting two entire weight classes higher than he’d ever been?
The best news involving Floyd is the fact that he’s only fought twice in the past three years, which leaves him plenty of time to show us pictures of his NBA wagering receipts and his birthday cake.
5. Nikolay “The Russian Giant” Valuev
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What? A seven-footer that is slower than molasses, with limited mobility, is boring? Hard to fathom, I know.
The only thing that could make him interesting is Hulk Hogan body-slamming him at WrestleMania. Perhaps it isn’t his fault, after all, he twice shared the ring with the most boring fighter of all-time, John Ruiz, whose boredom may be contagious.
I’m not a scientist, but I believe some osmosis may have occurred in those fights, thus permanently damaging the big man’s excitement factor.
The fact is, when a 46-year-old Evander Holyfield clearly outboxes you, and makes you seem like the boring fighter, then you are boring. I believe this may actually be defined in Webster’s dictionary somewhere, though I’m not sure.
4. Julio Cesar Chavez Jr.
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Do I even need to explain this one? I’d list all of his boring fights, but he’s been in the ring 44 times now (if you count his no-contest due to a failed drug test), and I don’t feel like typing his entire resume.
Most Chavez Jr. fights consist of two things—lots of holding and an out-of-shape guy named Julio. And the folks watching on TV would be mad, if they weren’t in a deep slumber from the first round forward.
Thankfully, he makes Arum enough money on PPV that we rarely have to see him on HBO or Showtime, though if rumors are true, he may wind up on HBO soon. Uh, I think I have some wet paint drying somewhere.
3. Yuri “Boreman” Foreman
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That’s not his real nickname, but it might as well be.
With only eight KO’s in 28 wins, and an extremely boring style consisting of constant circling and jabbing, this is one fighter we should all pray to miss.
It’s an indictment of the guy’s excitement level when you can truthfully say that his most exciting performance was a stoppage loss to Miguel Cotto. Why was it exciting? I think most were intrigued to see how long he could stay upright on his one uninjured leg, while a crushing body puncher like Cotto was stalking him.
He is studying to be a Rabbi, which amazingly sounds more interesting to me than ever having to watch him fight again. But with all the PPV shows that Top Rank puts on, there will be plenty of undercard slots that need to be filled with boring fighters, so I’m sure we’ll see him again. And they say Arum doesn’t care what the fans think?
2. Zahir “Z Man” Raheem
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Talk about an appropriate nickname. Change it to “ZZZZ Man” and it’d be even better.
Few fighters in the history of boxing could hold a candle to the aforementioned John Ruiz, but Raheem dared to be that boring—and succeeded.
Until Raheem, I didn’t know that televisions could cry, but I swear mine did during his extended hug—I mean fight—with Acelino Freitas. My neighbors even stopped by to make sure I was okay, because I had a house full of people, yet there wasn’t any noise. When they saw an entire room of unconscious folks, they were rightfully worried.
Luckily an old, nearsighted fellow in the back of the room was still semi-conscious and able to explain our malady. The makers of Ambien should slap a logo on Raheem’s trunks—what better way to communicate the potential comatose-like sleep awaiting those in need. I smell an endorsement!
1. Adrien “The Problem” Broner
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Yeah, he’s a problem alright. Ours apparently, as it appears HBO, in its ever increasing ineptitude, sees fit to showcase this yawn-inducing bore.
Steve Kim from Maxboxing has dubbed him Adrien “Bore-ner,” and even published an email from a creative fan likening Broner to the guy from the Dos Equis commercials, only this time it’s “the least interesting fighter in the world.”
My computer immediately went into sleep mode upon typing his name, and I’ve fallen asleep twice already just thinking about this paragraph. His “performance” against Ponce de Leon was universally panned by fans and media alike, yet to the suits at HBO, he is most likely perfect for their network (which means he can’t sell tickets, nobody wants to see him, and he’s advised by Al Haymon).
The fact that Broner could find someone willing to brush his hair in the ring, during the ring introduction, was more intriguing than the happenings of every round combined. Some of life’s problems do not have a solution, but the answer to this one is quite simple: Don’t ever let Broner fight on television ever again, for the sake of all those fans that actually want to be awake for the night’s main event.
Are You Still Awake?
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Getting through that list wasn't so bad, was it?
Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to get some coffee.
Lee Harris co-hosts a weekly boxing podcast, In The Corner, located at http://inthecorner.podbean.com. Follow on Twitter – @inthecornershow – and he can be reached by email at inthecorner@rocketmail.com with any questions, comments, or suggestions.
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