Manchester United XI: Most Hated Opposition

The return to Old Trafford of Gabriel Heinze is now just over a week away, and I am sure he’s going to get quite the rapturous reception given the many years of loyal service he gave the club, and the dignified way in which he left it. The tosser.

Similar welcomes have been reserved for the likes of Tevez down the years, and some old friends like Patrick Vieira are always greeted with warmth.

Which got me thinking: Who would be in the most hated team that could possibly play against United at Old Trafford? A team so full of tossers that you’d never get bored of constant booing for 90 minutes?

Players have to be current or recently retired, so we can’t stick Mike Summerbee in there, sadly. This team could, if the stars align and an Arab oil-sheik so desired, actually pitch up at Old Trafford next season. Perish the thought.

GK – Jens Lehmann

I initially had Woj Szczesny pencilled in, not just for his ludicrous name, but for his annoying ABU attitude on twitter.

I considered Ben Foster, for being a bottler of the highest order and publicly slagging off United. I was, unforgivably, forgetting all about Mad Jens.

In 1993 he conceded three first half goals for Schalke, got substituted at half time, and fled the stadium by train so that he didn’t have to get the team coach home.

He repeated the trick a few years later after another shocker for AC Milan, skulking instead all the way back to Germany, where he accrued the number of red cards for a Borussia Dortmund player in just four years there.

He eventually joined Arsenal on a free, and jumped immediately into the headlines after the infamous Battle of Old Trafford.

He was charged by the FA for improper conduct after just six games in the country, after protesting too vociferously about a Patrick Vieira red card, and then seeking personal vengeance against Ruud van Nistelrooy after the final whistle.

He continued to be a pain in the 2005 FA Cup final.

His save from Scholes’ pen on the back of an annoyingly Friedel-like performance gave Arsenal their last major trophy, and possibly their least deserved.

The next season, Lehmann set the record for most successive Champions League clean sheets en route to the final against Barcelona. However, he survived just 18 minutes before scything down Eto’o and getting himself sent.

Plenty of players have got shirty with United players before now. It was the fact that he was just a complete tosser that singled Lehmann out.

Who could forget his hilarious pushing and diving spat with Didier Drogba, or the way he repeatedly lost his cool and would rant utter nonsense in the media?

Since returning to Germany, he stole Khalid Boulahrouz’s headband, and an opponents boot, both during matches whilst playing in goal.

A complete nutter, and an absolute tosser. I’m ashamed to have even considered anyone else.

DR – Ben Thatcher Jamie Carragher

Until Sunday, Ben Thatcher had made this place in the team his own, in part thanks to his infamous assault on Pedro Mendes.

As a result, Mendes was taken to hospital in an ambulance, suffered a seizure on the way there, and was released only the next day under supervision. He was the third player hospitalized by Thatcher’s antics in the space of a year.

I had even dropped a comment in my first draft about how Carragher, for all his time in the dippers first team, has always been fairly respectful towards Manchester United. He played for the opposition, sure, but came across as a fairly genuine guy.

Of course, now we have seen Carragher’s ugly face. Whilst no players career should be defined by one bad tackle, it was the malice which ran through Carraghers “attempt to win the ball” which leaves such a sour taste in the mouth.

Whilst we can’t hold the behaviour of his team-mates against him, it is the glib way in which he attempted to apologise to Nani which sticks in the throat the most.

How can you apologise for a tackle like that? Does that mean that I can punch someones child in the face, and then when I apologise it’s all fine again? No! I’d go to jail.

I’m sure I speak for the rest of us when I say that, were I the victim of such an assault, the last thing I’d want to see is my smug opponent apologising and offering to shake my hand, before disappearing out the door on his way to training. Sod right off.

DC – Captain John Terry

Captain, leader, legend, arsehole.

We hate John Terry so much not because he’s filthy (although he is) or because he’s a cheating bastard who seems to get away with everything (he does), or even because he’s captain (leader, legend) of our biggest recent rivals.

It’s because he is the absolute embodiment of everything that we rightly detest about Chelsea football club.

He has more money than sense but, because of the kind of person he is, can’t help but continue to defraud fans and charities to line his own pockets.

His arrogance in believing that it his destiny to lead and for others to follow is frankly offensive, considering that Terry lacks the basic moral fibre to keep his penis out of the mother of his best friends kid.

Never mind that, he doesn't understand the consequences of this action, and acts like he still deserves respect.

His misguided belief that, no matter what happens anywhere else in the world of football, or even to his own teams, they are still the number one. Go, Chelsea! Go, England!

I will pick Capt. John Terry (LL) to pieces in another post, because I’m sure his inclusion here is absolutely universal and requires no explanation. Moving swiftly on…

DC – Gabriel Heinze

A few other contenders here, notably Martin Keown, but this guy upsets me more than most, because of the way he walked the walk and talked the talk whilst with us, but no sooner was he no longer first choice left back than he threw his toys out of the pram and demanded a move to Liverpool. Seriously… what?

One minute this guy was saying that he had been captain and that the fans loved him, and the next it was his dream to play for Liverpool at Anfield? Sorry, I do NOT buy that sort of crap talk.

A mercenary of the highest order, who has, now that his career is winding down, come to realise what a mistake he made.

He may well have been a squad player at Manchester United after the emergence of Patrice Evra, but so what?

Being a squad player at the best club in the world, under the best manager in the world sure beats being Marseille’s first choice left back (when fit).

DL – Ashley Cole

Possibly the easiest position to fill, and probably a player who would fill this role in most Premiership club’s most hated opposition XI. Maybe even including Chelsea themselves.

Ashley Cole, to the bemusement of most of Britain, cheated on Cheryl Cole, and was addicted to sending lewd photos of himself to women he had met.

To be fair to him, he’s quite a pretty boy when he’s posing. I’ve only just noticed because he spends most of his time on the pitch snarling and grizzling like a dog getting defensive over a bone.

Ashley once received a “derisory” offer of £60’000 per week from Arsenal, forcing him to join their hated rivals, Chelsea, where his six-figure salary has proved unable to keep him happy.

Most recently and bizarrely, Ashley shot a work-experience student with an air rifle at Chelsea’s training ground, and then co-operated with his club in an attempted cover-up.

Ashley is still considered to be one of the best left-backs in the world, despite the fact that he’s nowhere near as good as he was four years ago.

MR – Craig Bellamy

I already hated Craig Bellamy even before he joined the dippers, and later Manchester City.

A mouthy so-and-so, he had also made a reputation for himself as something of a nutter.  

It’s difficult to get this reputation when you’ve only been sent off once in your career, but fortunately for Craig, he had a few other tricks up his sleeve.

Who can forget his response to John Arne Riise’s refusal to sing karaoke?

It may be normal in Cardiff to hit the offender with a golf club, but it’s certainly not something you’d do elsewhere in the UK.

His abusive text message campaign against Alan Shearer whilst on loan to Celtic was hilarious, but seriously, what a dick.

Whilst he was poor at Liverpool, he was also quite good for Man City. He scored twice against us in the now-famous 4-3, a screamer and a breakaway goal after a Ferdinand mistake.

He also punched a fan during the same game but, remarkably, escaped any sanction. Eric Cantona was not treated as lightly.

Fortunately, thanks to Ryan Giggs’ heritage, Bellamy can’t even claim to be the best footballer from his home town.

MC – Patrick Vieira

The defining rivalry of Roy Keane’s latter years at the club was the one the Cork enforcer enjoyed the better of with Patrick Vieira.

Signed by Wenger from AC Milan, where he had failed, Vieira went on to make a name for himself as a filthy, cheating French bastard first, and a top class midfielder second.

Vieira is the only player ever to be sent off in the first two matches of a Premiership season, on his way to his grand total of eight red cards in the league. He did not manage a season without a red between 1996/97 and 2004/05.

In 2005, with the rivalry between United and Arsenal at it’s most heated, Vieira decided to pick on Gary Neville in the tunnel before the match. Roy Keane showed up demanded Graham Poll “tell him to shut his [procreating] mouth”.

Vieira is also a diving cheat. Most famously, he took a theatrical tumble against Liverpool in an attempt to get Dietmar Hamman booked.

Hamman clearly pulled out of the challenge long before Vieira arrived, but the Frenchman went down anyway, before bouncing up to beg forgiveness from the referee. Amazingly, it was granted, although justice was done as Arsenal went down 2-1.

He had the nerve to speak out against divers in his autobiography, naming and shaming Rooney, which makes Vieira frankly laughable.

MC – Steven Gerrard

Edging out Michael Ballack, mainly due to the fact that he’s been a bother to us for longer, Steven Gerrard keeps Vieira company in the middle of the park.

It’s really difficult to think of something that hasn’t been said before about Steven Gerrard.

His badge kissing, transfer requesting, two footed tackling, Carragher defending, camera snogging face needs a slap.

Arrogant in the extreme, Gerrard likes nothing more than reminding people of the former glories of his club.

You’d think we was responsible for four of his clubs European cups, not one.

Clearly forgetting that the majority of Manchester United players have won the same number of European Cups as him, he can often be seen running around holding up five fingers. More on this later.

He is also a filthy player. He escaped unpunished for a vicious elbow on Danny Welbeck at the start of this season, that being just the latest in a long line of snarling, late, two footed crimes against humanity.

Let’s not forget that he also elbowed Michael Brown in the head (a filthy bastard himself) and should have been sent down for assault. Lovely fellow.

ML – Harry Kewell

Another guilty by association, ex Leeds and Liverpool player Harry Kewell has enjoyed something of a renaissance at Galatasaray.

Of course, there’s no reason a former Leeds player shouldn’t join Galatasaray. None at all…

He has to be one of the least deserving players ever to win the Champions League, limping out of Liverpool’s win with the Anfield outfit 3-0 down at half time. It was the arrival of his replacement, Hamman, which swung the game completely.

Kewell has spent the majority of his career being a complete fanny.

Guilty of diving, and celebrating the award of penalties, he also ended up whining about his team-mates and backroom staff before leaving Leeds.

Another deluded player who has labelled Liverpool the “biggest club in the world”, he managed just 12 goals in five years for the dippers before disappearing off the radar.

FC – Carlos Tevez

I’m going to save my breath for this little fellow. Nothing even needs to be said.

FC – Robbie Fowler

Beating out Fernando Torres, at least for now, is the man the dippers call God. 

Fowler has been an annoying piece of work for longer than anyone else on this list.

From his Liverpool debut in 1993, to last years suggestion that Wayne Rooney should join him at Perth Glory, his fat and ugly face has made a mockery of the fact that he was ever labelled a Spice Boy.

Fowler has scored eight goals against Manchester United, his last coming for Manchester City in their 3-1 win over us.

He held up those five fingers to suggest that Liverpool were more successful than Manchester United but, as Fowler had begun his drift into obscurity, the symmetry between his fate and that of Liverpool is now striking.

Fowler scored a few goals against us for Liverpool, but it isn’t these that annoy me the most about him. It’s this strange belief that he, and England reserve, seems to have in himself.

From modelling those stupid nose-strips, to snorting the touchline, right through to those five fingers, to which he has contributed zilch, everything he does is annoying.

Currently a fat washed up substitute, much like the previous five years of his career, it is a small mercy that we are unlikely to ever have to see him play football in this country again.