20 Things Less Embarrassing Than Miami Heat Crying After Loss

The Heat have fallen on hard times, my friends. They are not only losing games, they are losing them in epic fashion. This is all well and good. There are many teams that lose games. The Cavaliers have actually made a business model of it.

But it is what Heat head coach Erik Spoelstra stated after Sunday's loss to the Bulls that drew the attention of the nation. Spoelstra mentioned that a few of the players were crying in the locker room after the loss.

He was hoping to convey a team that cares. Instead, he embarrassed his star-studded roster to no end. There is nothing short of a title that will wash off the stigma of bawling your eyes out after a regular season game.

If you don't believe me, I have compiled a list of embarrassing hypothetical moments that are not nearly as embarrassing. Enjoy.

20. Losing to the Cavs

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BOSTON, MA - JANUARY 25: Member of the Cleveland Cavaliers react on the bench as they lose their 18th straight game this season on January 25, 2011 at the TD Garden in Boston, Massachusetts. The Boston Celtics defeated the Cavaliers 112-95. NOTE TO USER

Cleveland may not be good at a whole bunch of things, but they are great at one. The Cavs excel at losing. They could quite possibly be the most successful losers I have ever gazed eyes upon.

Now losing to them is a laughable offense. The Lakers did it a couple of weeks ago. You know what happened? Nothing much. ESPN did not hit the news for the next couple of days. When it happened, it was scoffed at, and then forgotten.

You would think losing to a team that can't help but tank their games would be a bit more momentous. Alas...

This is still not as embarrassing as crying in the locker room and having your coach tell the world about it.

19. Choking Away a Lead to the Magic

The loss to the Bulls is not the only chance the Heat had at humiliation this month. They did some pretty good damage March 3rd against Orlando.

The Heat were up by as much as 24 in that game. They went on to lose, at home. That is a slap in the face to manhood. That is unacceptable, but it is not embarrassing. Well, not as much as your coach telling the world that you sobbed after a regular season matchup.

You may want to save the tears for the postseason.

18. Getting Caught Laughing During Two and a Half Men

Two and a Half Men is a wildly popular show. Well, it was. I am sure the recent exploits of one Mr. Charlie Sheen has put a damper on production.

That is a good thing, people. Why? The show is wildly un-funny. Each punchline seems to be created by a novice that is looking in a reference manual of obvious jokes. They do not hit you with subtle humor. They bludgeon you in the face with a punchline you saw coming at the opening credits.

Now, laughing at the more obvious jokes will net you a blank stare. But laughing twice during an episode is an unforgivable embarrassment.

This is still not as embarrassing as crying in the locker room, and having your coach tell the world about it.

17. Getting Punched Out by Nolan Ryan

Let us not forget that Robin Ventura never really wanted to fight Nolan Ryan. He was compelled by the yearlong war going on between the White Sox and Rangers.

That does not negate the fact that it was humiliating for Ventura. He was on the tail end of his career. Yet he failed to slip out before an old codger like Ryan beat the snot out of him.

Ah, but at least he didn't cry about it. There is no crying in baseball. Even after you get pummeled on television by the Ryan Express.

16. Justin Bieber Breaking Your Ankles

One is a diminutive pop star. His hit songs bring tears to pre-teens all over America. The other is a burly man that made his name as a hip-hop star. Which would you pick in a game of basketball? That's right, Justin Bieber.

The Biebs completely annihilated Common at the 2011 All-Star Game. He broke him off something real nice. As soon as it happened, I saw the street cred drain from Common's body.

This is still not as embarrassing as crying in the locker room, and having your coach tell the world about it.

15. Having Sasha Vujacic on Your Team

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LAS VEGAS - OCTOBER 13: DeMarcus Cousins #15 of the Sacramento Kings and Sasha Vujacic #18 of the Los Angeles Lakers fight for a rebound during their preseason game at the Thomas & Mack Center October 13, 2010 in Las Vegas, Nevada. The Lakers won 98-95.

Here in Los Angeles, we called Sasha "the machine." It was a lovable nickname that Sasha glossed himself with. We continued to call him that in the hopes that the confidence would yield consistent shooting.

Instead, he rewarded us with a brick-laying convention at Staples Center. He would then play his set of defense. This included wildly throwing your hands in the opponent's face, and generally being annoying. His main defensive weapon was to be unlikable.

Yes, it is safe to say that I do not miss Sasha. But it could have been worse. I submit to you that...

This is still not as embarrassing as crying in the locker room, and having your coach tell the world about it.

14. Wearing Tight Jeans

This picture of Conan O'Brien wearing jeggings is a joke. However, there is no joke about men continuing to wear tight jeans.

The male form is not for looking at. In fact, we would all do well to cover it up as much as possible. That is why god created nice sweatpants for us to wear at all times. The tight jeans trend has taken America by storm.

By America, I mean the hipster community. By storm, I mean it is thankfully dying off. But the photos of you in your painted-on pants will live on forever to amuse your friends and family.

Just do not cry about it. That would be really embarrassing.

13. Sliding Down the Draft Board While on TV

Do you remember that feeling when you were picked last for a pick-up game? Well, please let me know about that because I always went first. I am a baller.

This is what happened to Brady Quinn on draft night. Only, he was not in front of just friends. He was dissed by the Dolphins on TV with millions watching. This could not have been good for the ego.

Yet, Quinn took it like a man. There are times that a man should cry. This was not one of them—neither is a regular season game.

12. Getting Punched by Jim Everett

I am a lifelong Rams fan. I remember watching them lose every Sunday with Jim Everett at quarterback. It was a dark time for the franchise. Still, I in no way condone calling the man Chris, as warranted as that might be.

Just to tell you how bad Everett was as a football player, getting muscled to the ground by him was actually devastating to the ego. Any other player would have evoked some level of masculinity that you actually survived. With Everett, it became something to laugh about.

This is horrible to Jim Rome's ego. As far as I know, though, he kept the tears to himself.

11. Being Fed Popcorn on National TV

If any of you tuned into the Super Bowl this year, you were treated to the nauseating love fest going on in the suites. You may have also caught the game that was occurring on the field.

Alex Rodriguez lost his man card for a week when cameras captured him being force-fed popcorn by girlfriend Cameron Diaz. It was a hilarious sight. As soon as I saw it, I thought, well that won't be good for A-Rod's image. Not that anything he ever does is.

This is still not as embarrassing as crying in the locker room, and having your coach tell the world about it.

10. Flaming Out in the First Episode of a Reality Show

This is my favorite thing in the world. It also may be the only reason to watch reality television. The best is seeing the first person kicked off the show. They spend the first part of the show telling you how awesome they are. They build themselves up so much that their ousting in episode one becomes priceless.

They worked and slaved their way to make it onto TV. Before the credits of the first episode run, however, they are gone. It is like spending your life training for the Olympics and then double faulting at the line. It is just brutal.

Not as brutal as playing for Miami this past week.

9. Calling a Timeout When None Are Available

Imagine going down in history as the most uninformed collegiate basketball player of all time.

Chris Webber sure could have used a marker to write "we do not have any timeouts" on his hand. Maybe then he would not have botched any hope for a Michigan win in the '93 championship game against North Carolina.

However, Michigan was already trailing at the time. Also, Webber was one of the only players on the Wolverines to boast productive numbers all game. This was not a one-man loss. It was simply the wrong time to have such a gaffe.

It could have been more embarrassing—if he cried about it.

8. Having Al Davis as Your Owner

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ALAMEDA, CA - JANUARY 18: Oakland Raiders owner Al Davis speaks during a press conference on January 18, 2011 in Alameda, California. Hue Jackson was introduced as the new coach of the Oakland Raiders, replacing the fired Tom Cable. (Photo by Justin Sul

The once proud Raiders have fallen on hard times. Their owner is a ghost of his former self. In fact he has been aptly described as the Crypt Keeper by many NFL fans.

The man is far too gone to be the face of a franchise. He should not even be the face of himself anymore. He rambles for hours at press conference. He hires and fires staff with the regularity of eating breakfast. Now he is showing up with random bandages on his head.

Raiders fans are not as full of themselves these days. Please wake me when Al Davis weeps over his latest failed pick.

7. Picture of Your "Thingy" Hits the Internet

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DETROIT, MI - JANUARY 02: Brett Favre #4 of the Minnesota Vikings talks at a post game press conference after a 13-20 loss to the Detroit Lions at Ford Field on January 2, 2011 in Detroit, Michigan. (Photo by Gregory Shamus/Getty Images)

Nobody wants to see a man's business. It is unflattering, and really quite ridiculous to look at. Yet we have been treated to two athletes that couldn't help but take a pic of their junk.

Let me continue by saying that the photo of Brett Favre's junk is only allegedly his. The one we saw a few years ago from Greg Oden is definitely his. Either way, we all lose in this venture. There is nothing more embarrassing than the world being able to size you up.

Well, I take that back. Crying over spilled milk, or a regular season game, would count as more embarrassing.

6. Being Noticeably Drunk on TV

Are you ready to get your cringe on? Well, nothing made me wince more than seeing legendary quarterback Joe Namath strike out on live television.

He uses the trusty pick-up tactic of slurring your words and generally frightening off his target, Suzy Kolber. This might work for frat boys, but it is no picnic for Namath.

Being drunk is a man's duty, though. We make fools of ourselves constantly while inebriated. This is nothing new. But it is horrible to watch.

Yet, Namath never cried about it.

5. Being Tiger Woods

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MARANA, AZ - FEBRUARY 23: Tiger Woods reacts during the first round of the Accenture Match Play Championship at the Ritz-Carlton Golf Club on February 23, 2011 in Marana, Arizona. (Photo by Andy Lyons/Getty Images)

Think about this one for a nanosecond. Think about the worst thing you have ever done. I am talking about the stuff that you would never even tell your best friend, doctor or priest about.

Now imagine if that news was open to the entire world. In a second, the entire planet knew how depraved and unethical you were. That is exactly what happened to Tiger Woods. He may one day outlive the stain of his actions.

He would have never lived it down had he wept behind closed doors about it. Well, I am sure he did that. We just never heard about it.

4. Wearing Tight Shorts

This is much different than wearing tight jeans. This has to do with the NBA, and the great idea they had for throwbacks one crazy night.

Los Angeles had the bright idea of rolling the clock back a couple of decades. They came out in shorts better left in the '80s. They looked ridiculous, and you can tell they felt ridiculous. They never gained momentum and lost the game.

This may be the only time a team lost the game because they felt ridiculous in their uniforms. Ron Artest continues to wear tight shorts to this day. No one really knows why.

At least they didn't cry about it.

3. Getting Rejected...in All Forms

The rejection can come from anywhere. It could be as benign as Kwame Brown getting his small hands on your turnaround jump shot. It could be as grand as this man proposing to his girlfriend, and then getting shot down.

The rejection is brutal because for an instant, you are told no. When we are raised to believe we can do anything, being told you can't is fairly jarring.

That is why I try to stay home and keep from trying new things. Sure I may lead a lonely life, but at least I won't cry about it.

2. Delonte West Dating Your Mom

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ORLANDO, FL - MAY 30: LeBron James #23 of the Cleveland Cavaliers reacts with Delonte West #13 after drawing a foul against the Orlando Magic in Game Six of the Eastern Conference Finals during the 2009 Playoffs at Amway Arena on May 30, 2009 in Orlando,

I am not saying that there is any truth to the matter. Rumors may have flown wildly that Delonte dated LeBron's mom when he was in Cleveland. I find those reports to be erroneous. However, Delonte West dating your mom would be embarrassing.

Imagine all the mother jokes that take place on the court. Delonte West would actually be telling the truth in those jokes. "Hey LeBron, your mom's so fat she ate all my Bloomin' Onion at Outback last night. No, this is not a joke. She ate all the appetizers, man."

Still, you could cry about it.

1. Being Kwame Brown

If you have watched NBA basketball in the past few years, you have come across the wonder and mystery that is Kwame Brown. The man is a low-post player with the hands of Justin Bieber, minus the Biebs basketball talent, of course.

Watching Kwame play is like watching a vaudeville act of some trying to look bad at basketball. He can't catch a pass. He can't shoot. Some say he plays great defense. I call these people Kwame's family. He is atrocious, but at least he is entertaining.

That, my friends, makes him less embarrassing than crying in the locker room after a regular season game.