Bleacher Report Alert: A New Cure for College Football Junkies

I am Dan Stockrahm, I am a Notre Dame graduate, I read every Bleacher Report article on Notre Dame football, and it has been less than two hours since I read my last article.

...and if you're anything like me, you need help.

Let me start with the bad news. As disappointing as it may be to your parents and friends, at some very primitive level, you are like me—you read articles written for Bleacher Report.  Having recently learned how to read, I am all too familiar with your problem and, sadly, there is no known cure.

Millions of Americans suffer from this affliction so, while you’re not alone, you run with a lot of sick people. Doctors commonly refer to this diseased mass as “sports fans.” Luckily, the good news is that with my knowledge and your irrational trust, we can both work through this in the only way possible:

We’re going to have a Bleacher Report Reader Intervention.

To properly intervene you, I must first tell you what's wrong with us.

Like me, you probably find some sports articles are pretty entertaining and informative. But sadly, many are not. Worse, to find this out, we often waste precious seconds of our day that we can never get back.

Odds are, you're doing it right now.

To make matters even worse, those valuable seconds turn into minutes over the course of a year—minutes that could be better spent watching ESPN Sports Center a second time, returning garbage bags full of beer cans for deposit money, or even napping.  Suffice it to say, bad reads are a terrible waste.

With so much at stake, we have to try to stop the endless the cycle of reading, commenting, reading, and commenting.  Until one sad day, to improve your mind, you catch yourself watching reruns of professional bowling.

That was my wake-up call.

And that’s why I’m here. With six beers and my non-patented three step plan, you can lift yourself out of this intellectual hell. This could be the first day of a new and more fulfilling life, so let’s get started.

Step 1: Don’t try denial. It won’t work unless you have lots of money.

Solving a problem requires us to pay others to make it go away, drink it away, or sometimes wait until it goes away by itself. Then, if lying doesn't work, we must ultimately admit we have a problem.

While as sports fans, we all know it is often comforting to choose reading material that never requires one to consult a dictionary, pause to re-read a particularly difficult section, or have a passing knowledge of fourth grade grammar, but this comfort sometimes leads to complacency.

Before you know it, your thought process is the equivalent of stirring pudding. While a fine snack and tasty when chilled, pudding can often be a poor substitute for brain matter. Just ask Glenn Beck.

Also, don't try to pretend that you’re just a casual reader who has a true interest in sports. Don’t feign an interest in digital photography when you just like the pretty pictures. Admit that you’re probably a little intimidated by big words and have been known to take comfort in statistics.

It’s okay. Have a good cry and move on to step two.

Step 2: Don’t blame others for your problem, blame fate or a flawed government.

It’s okay that you did something wrong. We’ve all done buckets of hallucinogenic drugs, went through that two year-long binge-drinking stage, stolen from relatives, and had a brief thing for foreplay involving furry animal costumes. Except for a couple memorable weekends and some classic photos, it’s nothing we’re proud of.  

Remember, having a problem is human nature; blaming it on aliens is not. For a while, it may have worked to point at your younger brother whenever somebody asked who ate the family dog, but those days are long over.

You read Bleacher Report, you liked it, and nobody made you do it. It was nobody’s fault but your own. There's nothing left but to acknowledge guilt and seek retribution.

If you can do these two things, you’re ready to be treated.

Step 3: Don’t ignore your addiction, get a new one.

Any drunk, crack-whore, or politician will tell you from experience that curing an addiction is not possible. The only way to overcome an addiction is to replace it with an even better addiction. Hopefully one that won’t result in prison time.

To help you, I have come up with the perfect solution: You will no longer read articles from Bleacher Report.

You will write them.

While you’ll still be mired in sports trivia and inane debates about which Big Ten team sucks the most, at least the few creative synapses still sparking may cause you to actually move your fingers.  If enough neurons are still alive, you could possibly even parlay that into a coherent thought. With practice, it may stimulate you to the point of, once again, discussing the finer points of doing laundry.

A lofty but worthwhile goal.

This is a limited time offer, so act within the limited time!

So how can you do it? Don’t wait! You can get started on your new addiction within minutes, using my newly released CD set, “Writing Sports Stuff." This $1.99 two volume set (plus $85.00 shipping and handling) will take you through everything you need to know to get started.

In our first CD, we take you through the first steps in your budding writing career.  Chapters include, ”How To Properly Plagiarize An Article To Submit With Your B/R Application,” ”Pressing Keyboard Buttons So Words Come Out On Your Monitor,” ”How To Form a Sentence Using Actual Words And Phrases," "The Punctuation Mark; Best Guesses For Where To Put The Little Dots,” and, of course, the informative chapter, “What To Do After You Screw Everything Up.” This CD often gets the average novice writer up and running within mere weeks.

In the second CD, you’ll review more advanced topics such as, “Key Words In a Title To Make a Horrible Article Popular," ”The Art of Hitting Enter Mulitple Times So As Not To Have Long Paragraphs,” and “How To Click On The 'Add Photo' Button To Add a Photo.”

And it doesn’t end there. We’ll address complex style issues like, ”Skewing Statistics To Support Your Points,” ”How To Be Argumentative About Everything,” and, for those who have no brains whatsoever, there’s the ever popular, ”How To Write Something Slightly Less Stupid Than You Are.”

Yes, There’s More!!!

The useful hints never end, yet we only have a few more. If you pay me any money ever, I will include a third CD at no extra charge entitled, “What To Do After Writing Sports Stuff.”

With this bonus CD, you’ll discover what the cyber-elves do with your work once you poke the Publish button and how, with continued practice, you may one day actually find the article you wrote. Experience the many benefits of scrolling. In practically no time at all, you’ll become familiar with veteran writer comments like “Good point” and “Thanks for the read." And if that isn’t enough, you’ll learn how to handle negative readers in the section entitled, “Deleting Comments From a Published Article.”

Don't wait! Bleacher Report is waiting for your talent, and my operators are waiting for your call.

Start randomly dialing in your new writing career today!