An Alien's View of This Week's College Football

Pardon me, I'm just an alien that popped down to Earth for a week to check out what the big hoopla is over this sport of college football. By the way...I don't read Phil Steele mags, don't get how you can rank a team before they play, and don't put myself into a trance watching that cute blonde guy and his pencil-pusher pal on ESPN.

So far, neither one of them looks like they know what the hell they are talking about, but that old guy with the thick glasses who spits a lot sure looks like he does.

Like I said, I don't know much, but from what I saw, here are my unbiased impressions.

USC: Why were they No. 1? They played in some podunk town called Corvallis, and while they were on the road, is Corvallis really that intimidating? Pluto is intimidating; Corvallis is not.

Georgia: Umm...Why were they No. 3? The hedges looked tougher than their defense. And why the hell do they scream so much on every play? Is it really that boring in Athens?

Oklahoma: Dang, they look good! Have they played anyone good yet? I can't tell. Are frogs feared?

Mizzou: Do they have a little book teaching defense? Just curious.

Penn State: Why aren't they top ranked? They looked good and their coach is cute in an old, funky sort of way. Like Mork from Mork and Mindy.

Florida: Why is "the Swamp" such a big deal, and why did that dude win the Heisman? Why do fans call him Superman? Our governor could kick his ass without kryptonite.

Alabama: Is their mascot related to my cousin, Alf? And why the hell are they aren't No. 1? I hope they are paying that coach a fortune.

LSU: Are you sure they are the defending champs? Seriously?

Wisconsin: My aunt works for the Capitol Bowl, and she says you are their favorite team. So far, Aunty is a bit more realistic than you cheeseheads.

Ohio State: I don't get it. I heard they were more exciting with this freshman Pryor, but so far, it looks like a louder offense, not a better offense. Is that a big deal in Ohio?

Oregon: I hear some pissed-off team named USC plays you next week. Did you bribe the OSU coach to spill the beans on how to beat them?

UCLA: So...When you lose by six points instead of 50-something, does that mean that's improvement? Psst, take comfort, your cheerleaders are hotter than USC's.

Vandy: Smart players that are undefeated in the SEC? Why aren't they No. 1?

Ball State: So far, they look like the most consistent team in college football, besides Penn State and Oklahoma. And where the hell is Ball State?

Notre Dame: They are 3-1 and not ranked. Is this some sort of conspiracy? (remember, I'm an alien here for one week; I don't know any prior history)

Michigan: Their fans look really confused. Half of them want to jump off a bridge, while the other half look like they want to marry their coach. What gives?

Michigan State: Is it me, or is green not a great color for a football team, even if it is drowned out by white?

Auburn: They are a soccer team, right?

After much thinking, I have my top 10. I am probably way off here, but since I don't know anything about conferences and such, here are my complete unbiased opinions on the top 10.

1- Alabama

2- Penn State

3- Oklahoma

4- Mizzou

5- LSU

6- Texas

7- Vandy

8- BYU

9- Utah

10- Ball State

Who gives a crap about the rest of the teams? They have basically lost a game they shouldn't have, and frankly, this whole conference thing is lame.

The Pac-10 stinks. The SEC stinks. The ACC stinks. The Big East stinks. The Big-10 stinks.

Wait a minute...the Big XII doesn't stink. Do they have conference fans? Or are they normal?

Can I get a job on ESPN? They don't know diddley, but look like they get paid a lot to offer no insight and be wishy-washy on taking a stand. In fact, if that Rece dude grabbed a guitar and sang "Kumbaya", would anyone notice a freaking change in the format?

Is Desmond Howard on something? He keeps talking about hitting a keyword on ESPN.com and asking him a question, but so far, no efffing keyword works. If I can figure out a way to land on Earth for a week, how come I can't chat with this dude?

How come you mortals don't do what we do? PLAYOFFS.

I guess we are more intelligent than you earthlings. Then again, we don't make near the money that BCS thingy makes.

Beam me up, Scotty.