Goodell Slaps Patriots With Huge Fines For Losing To Dolphins

After a brief meeting this morning, NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell has decided to set an example of the New England Patriots by punishing them for losing to the worst team in the NFL last Sunday, the Miami Dolphins.

In a move that is certain to create controversy throughout the sports world, Goodell has issued multiple penalties against the Patriots, taking away their first-round draft picks in 2009, 2011, 2012, 2014, 2018, 2029, 2037, 2109, and 2352, as well as their second, third, and sixth-round picks in 2010, 2088, 2101, 2105, 2184, 2389, and 2588.

In addition, the Patriots have been ordered to play the next two games without helmets and pads, while their offense and defense will only be allowed to have nine players on the field.

Goodell was so outraged by the loss, QB Tom Brady was fined $5,000 just because he's "gorgeous."  The league will use that money for a surprise make-over for Colts QB, Peyton Manning—Brady's equivalent on the field, but complete opposite in the "facial" department off the field.     

Prior to their 38-13 loss to the Dolphins in Foxboro, the Pats had posted a 21-1 record over their last 22 games, while the Dolphins were a dismal 1-21. 

Goodell hopes his decision will act as a "wake-up" call to other good teams in the league, and promises if any top-tier teams lose to crappy ones, they will be dealt with accordingly.  

“Since Brady went down with his injury, we’ve been forced to watch sloppy, boring, embarrassing football from New England and I refuse to put up with it any longer!" Goodell angrily remarked.  "People keep asking me if New England’s success is due to the system or Brady?  Duh—it’s freakin’ Brady!"      

It was rumored that Pats head coach, Bill Belichik, tried to get in touch with former New England QB, Drew Bledsoe, to talk him out of retirement and come back to the team. 

Bledsoe could not be reached for comment, but insiders indicate he might have difficulty getting “time off” from his current employer, Taco Bell, due to his recent promotion to night shift drive-thru supervisor; however, when Goodell learned of this potential move, he immediately put a block on it, acknowledging that even this would be too severe a punishment and embarrassment for the team and their fans.   

Goodell also took aim at Belichick’s character, questioning his morals off the field, as well, and has banned the head coach from having sexual relations with women until 2024 (Belichick will be 71 at that time).

More trouble may lie ahead for the Patriots, as the Commissioner is looking into further allegations involving the employment of seven ex-criminals who were hired by Robert Kraft in 2001 to build and install mini "Snow Machines" that were hidden in the stadium's light towers and used unfairly in playoff games against Oakland in 2002 and Indianapolis in 2004—both of which were won by the Patriots. 

There is also a pending investigation, dating back to 1986, involving Belichick and rocker John Bon Jovi.  The two have been close friends for many years and an undisclosed source says Belichick illegally videotaped a studio session of the rock band, Journey, in November 1985 when they were in the early stages of putting together a song entitled, "Living on A Dare." 

Belichick gave the tape to Bon Jovi and five months later they scored their biggest hit with "Living on A Prayer."       

After reviewing the "Spygate" scandal a bit more, Goodell has requested that an asterisk be placed in the record books for every victory the Pats have had since 1971. 

Of course, the Commissioner's recent actions might be explained in an unconfirmed report out of Vegas, in which he had taken the Pats, giving up the 12.5 points for this game.  His losses are estimated to be around $76,000.