NFL Week Three: Letters to the League

To: Lane Kiffin

Re: Hopelessly Devoted To You

Lane, ever heard of the Hammond circus train wreck? It happened in 1918 in Hammond, Indiana. I didn't know about it until today either. I was trying to think of another way to say "train wreck"—in describing your whole situation—and I came across the Hammond wreck. Vision it for a second: a train carrying circus workers and an awful, tragic wreck.

This whole thing in Oakland is a circus train wreck.

 

To: Antonio Cromartie

Re:The New Prime Time?

Every few years a new corner back comes along with the tag of the "next Deion." The "next Deion" has not yet materialized, and may never, but you're making a strong case. You deserved player of the year last year and you keep playing like that and you'll get it this year.

If you didn't know, you have as many touchdowns as Carson Palmer.

 

To: Joey Porter

Re: You Said What?

You know the Dolphins were hating you this week after saying what you said. You could have made yourself and your team look like fools. Or maybe you're just the benefactor of some incredibly good timing.

Does the league really believe Tom Brady is the complete reason for the success of the Patriots? That's at least your opinion Joey, huh? Either you are just that confident or you saw something in the game film that you knew you could exploit.

You've got two weeks to talk about the Chargers. I can't wait to hear what you'll say.

 

To: The New England Patriots

Re: Eternal Youth

Hey guys, you need to find that elixir of life quick! Or at least some of that Hydroderm cream so at least you don't look old and slow.

 

To: The Pittsburgh Steelers Offensive Line

Re: Payback?

What has come between you and Big Ben? Nine sacks seems a little excessive, don't you think? Something happen at practice this week? You guys just seemed to step out of the way for any random dude to come through and knock Ben around. He wasn't the healthiest to begin with. You guys are vicious.

 

To: Brett Favre

Re:Re:Re: Eh

It's only Week Three and I'm not sure what to say. Still learning the playbook? Really? I guess this isn't like driving a tractor. You don't just pick this right back up.

 

To: Ronnie Brown

Re: Five For the Tuna

Damn kid, you had a high school kind of day. Five touchdowns?

Ronnie, you outscored 23 teams on Sunday.

 

To: The St. Louis Rams

Re: Imagine Me Shaking My Head

Guys, what are you going to do? The city of St. Louis doesn't deserve this. You're playing so poorly you're making the Arch droop.

So far this season you've been outscored 116 to 29. But, the Detroit Lions don't look so willing to concede the first pick to you fellas just yet.