Paul Azinger and Nick Faldo, Can't We All Just Get Along?

The Ryder Cup begins tomorrow at Valhalla Golf Club in Louisville, Ky.

Valhalla was designed by Jack Nicklaus and named for a mythological, majestic, enormous hall ruled over by the god Odin. Chosen by Odin, those that die in combat travel to Valhalla upon death, led by Valkyries. There, they join the masses of the dead who have died in combat and I don't care.

Tiger isn't playing, so there will be a big asterisk engraved into the Cup if the Europeans win anyway.

The U.S. team is full of very content multi-millionaires with beautiful families who fly around the world in their private jets playing golf while someone carries their bag and holds an umbrella for them on rainy days.

I can really identify with this struggle, can't you? 

I mean what's the point, really? Why is winning a silly team golf event so important? Is it some sort of overly competitive bully mentality of narrow-minded American sports fans who were raised watching the low-brow brutality of football instead of the finesse and strategy of soccer?

I like Europe and the people who call it home. Why would I want them to lose? Nick Faldo and his players are only defending what is rightfully theirs.

I'm sure they would rather not have to protect their property from pillaging Americans, but this is a fight they just can't run from.

The media has tried now for many years to trump up some sort of nationalistic pride in this ridiculous competition. Americans have none, since George Bush started that illegal war, and the Europeans are all from different countries, so who exactly can we defend the flag against?

What unifies the European Ryder Cup team is a disdain for Americans.

The problem is that we, the U.S. Americans, generally dislike ourselves.

What is there to like? We use an imbalanced amount of the world's natural resources while children in Third World countries die from mosquitoes carrying malaria. The arrogant leaders of our egocentric nation often abuse smaller nations with military threats and covert CIA operations.

There really is nothing that makes me want to win this competition. Phil Mickelson is a fat, lazy underachiever like most Americans and Kenny Perry is an old, white, southern redneck who dresses funny. I wish they weren't on my team, but like electing Dick Cheney, we made our beds and now we have to sleep in them.

The U.S. Team has a guy named Boo and a few other overgrown country club kids who probably drove a Porsche in high-school and occasionally popped the collar of their Polo shirt while walking the halls.

Even Anthony Kim has a bit of a Southern California accent. Justin and Hunter are not really guys you can see fighting for anything. Suing yes, fighting no.

None of these one-dimensional personalities would have the culture or creativity to design his own clothing line like Ian Poulter does. Diversification of interest is a sign of intelligence. I really love that the Europeans can become a cohesive team regardless of their different cultures and diverse lifestyles.

I welcome another U.S. loss, because there is nothing for me to be proud of as a citizen of the U.S. Compared to enlightened European thought, our country is bass-ackwards and unsophisticated. Nobody here even recognizes the beauty of soccer.

NASCAR fans don't even realize trained monkeys could drive a car in a constant left turn. It's a complete joke compared to the Formula 1 skill set.

Home foreclosures, the mortgage meltdown and racist election politics have me wishing I lived somewhere where people have a little more respect multiculturalism and an appreciation for the inherent travesty of the human condition.

I propose that we not keep score at all. Captain Azinger, have a little sensitivity and shake Captain Faldo's hand in forfeiture now. The last thing we need is more hostility and anger from undereducated southern rednecks in Kentucky directed across the Atlantic.

In some cultures, the humiliation of a public defeat can justify invasion. The blood of our troops will be on your hands if the U.S. wins.