USC to Bail on Pac-10? This Week's College Football Rants

Poor USC.

It's bad enough they have to play in a conference of misfits. ASU gets beat by a bunch of craps gamblers, UCLA gets religiously schooled by the Stormin' Mormons, and Washington—well, you know.

The Trojans ought to just secede from the entire Pac-10 and pull a Domer—go independent and get a TV contract.

Two things would be guaranteed: One, they would be hated (more) by everybody in the nation; and two, they could finally rid themselves of those pesky bottom dwellers, Stanford and Oregon State.

Army and Navy, the better competition, await. Swallow that, Pac-10 Commish.

At least those service academies play for the true passion of football and don't give up. They play to the final minute—unlike, oh, I don't know, Washington (vs. BYU), Oregon State (how the heck do you lose in a stadium named after you?), UCLA (missing that NFL job yet, Rick?), Arizona (losing to New Mexico requires instant action—SackStoops.com), or Stanford (losing to TCU gets you an automatic flake of the year award).

While we're on the subject of college football, can anyone clue us in on when Les Miles' "tough path" speech gets rolling? If Auburn beats the Bayou Bengals, then Tommy Tuberville will have found his MIA offense, but if Auburn loses, Tommy's pants will be on fire from the scorching hot seat he will be sitting on.

War Eagle, baby, only goes so far. We have a feeling that scream will get droned out by Roll Tide Roll, but hey, what do we know? (Bama by 10.) And yeah, I know it's in freaking late November. Some things are just soooo obvious.

In other news, Jim Tressel has decided to go with a Boeckman-Pryor package. Big surprise.

Not to second-guess the Senator, but I personally called for Pryor's presence as a key to winning the "Game of the Century"—and like a good Senator, he ignored the common people. Thank God we are governed by geniuses who thought the subprime lending business wouldn't cause havoc in the economy, eh?

Yep, we are proud to be Americans, aren't we? While NASCAR fans take off their hats and pledge their allegiance to the flag, we have idiots like the NBA Mavericks' Josh Howard, who just don't think it's good to be American.

Josh apparently saw an old replay of the Mexico City Olympics and felt an urge to one-up our black-power medalists on the stands. At a recent football charity tournament, he had this to say when the anthem started playing:

“‘The Star Spangled Banner’ is going on right now. I don’t even celebrate that (expletive). I’m black.”

Can you just feel the love? For once, Mark Cuban had his piehole shut tighter than a duck's ass in water.

Can you just count the days 'til the IRS audits Howard's checkbook? Raise your hand if you don't want to see him get nailed. Don't mess with us, Josh: Olympic fever is still fresh in our minds.

As fresh as Paris Hilton on a Sunday morning.

Sure bets for this weekend

Rey Maualuga will rip a Beijing phone book in half and prove once and for all he's a Heisman contender.

Chase Daniel will throw for 1,000 yards and sport a Colt Brennan mohawk for good luck.

Percy Harvin will become the new model for ball-bearing hip replacement surgery when he runs all over Tennessee.

Phil Fulmer will officially cut out donuts from his diet, and instead eat dried prunes so he can get into a more regular routine.

Our young hero Timmy will perform circumcision in third world countries during halftime of the Gators-Vols game. Erin Andrews will be the color commentator.

Lou Holtz will predict Notre Dame beats Michigan State and be in the top 20 polls, Charlie "I feel like an athlete" Weis will still be doped up on massive painkillers, and young protege Jimmy Clausen will have beads in his hair for that ultra-cool Michael "I'm going bald, but hopefully, no one will notice" Bolton look. No one notices, Jimmy, but we kinda miss last year's Emu look.

South Florida's DE George Selvie will continue to make mincemeat of opposing quarterbacks and will continued to get ignored by voters. Nagurski, baby.

Skip Holtz, in a daring move, doesn't call Dr. Lou and ask for advice. Thank God the genetic pool took a right turn and righted itself.

WTF Kansas State? Losing to Louisville? Maybe Oklahoma ought to seriously consider joining USC as an independent.

Crappy games of the week

Penn State vs. Temple

Ohio State vs. Troy

Northwestern vs. Ohio

Texas Tech vs. UMass

Mizzou vs. Buffalo

Kansas vs. Sam Houston State

Arizona vs. UCLA (who the eff do you pick in this one?)

Syracuse vs. Northeastern (a compelling game all of a sudden).

Rout of the week: Washington State vs. Portland State. Take Portland State straight up, of course.

Football chick is out.