The Terrible Ten of College Football: Week Four

The Big Ten barreled to the top of the Terrible Ten, as its standard bearers crumbled as usual when faced with the competition of equal or greater talent. Still, after being viciously beat down by "Shades" Paterno, strained Syracuse coach Greg Robinson retained his death grip on the top spot of the Terrible Ten.

1) Syracuse Orange (0-3)

Penn State coach Joe Paterno, the Uncle Junior of college football, showed no mercy as he squeezed the Orange with sadistic timeouts designed to prolong Coach Robinson's suffering.

"Shades" Paterno graciously offered to renew the series with the Orange if nine of 10 games were played at State College and the Orange coaching staff clean his house and cut his grass each week.

This week, the 7-31 grim GRobb faces the 0-2 I-AA Northeastern Huskies. Still, after being whipped by Northwestern, the Orange fear being caught in a Nor'easter, especially in an empty Carrier Dome.

2) Ohio State Buckeyes and Michigan Wolverines (3-3)

Einstein said the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.

Jim Tressel, in Los Angeles dressed in Midwest Sweater Vest Blood attire, again ignores old Albert's message as he sadly and stolidly states his team will not make adjustments but continue to play Ohio State football...and be battered by teams of equal talent.

Perhaps the most painful cut was when the Buckeye players' girlfriends and cheerleaders decided to stay in Southern Cal to celebrate with the victorious Trojans.

Still, Ohio State would be a two-TD favorite over fellow Ohioans, the bumbling Bengals and Browns.

The Wolverines didn't club the Irish, but they did nail coach Charlie Weis despite his cat-like quickness. 

3) The State of Washington (0-10)

The Washington Huskies, the Washington State Cougars, the Eastern Washington Eagles, and the Seattle Seahags are a combined 0-10.

Ty Willingheim's squad was the most impressively slaughtered, being clipped 55-14 by the Oklahoma Sooners. With Washington this weak, the time is ripe for Canada to seize it.

4) (Tie) UCLA Bruins (1-1) and Memphis Tigers (0-3)

The last time BYU whipped someone that bad, it was Arkansas at Mountain Meadows, and BYU was dressed as Ute Indians.

Memphis Man Wild Tommy West was as blue as a boy can be when he touched down in the pouring rain in the land of the Delta Blues. Wild West is still looking for an offense down in the Jungle Room.

5) South Carolina Gamecocks (1-2)

The Ole Ball Coach is finding out it's not so much fun when your fellas aren't faster, stronger, and deeper than almost every team they play. Oh, for the days of being the Boss Gator in the Swamp.

6) Utah State Aggies (0-3)

After being outscored 51-151 this season, what can head coach Brent Guy do but cry? No, instead he vows vicious Aggie vengeance on the unsuspecting WAC. Eagerly we await the aggravated Aggie assault.

7) San Diego State Aztecs (0-3)

Confused coach Chuck Long hasn't been this angry since Iowa Hawkeye teammate Ronnie Harmon threw the Rose Bowl. Still fuming about his loss to sorry Charlie Weis and his Irish, Long forgot to look out for a way past San Jose.

8) UTAPB (0-6)

The newly combined programs of UAB and UTEP, the Blazing Miners, are 0-6 but planning to seize Yoersexico Territory as New Mexico State looms.

9) Yoersexico (3-9)

The Buffalo Bulls win over Temple, propelling them to 2-1, threatens to dissolve the The Football Republic of Yoersexico, which consists of the combined programs of the New Mexicos, New Jersey[Rutgers], and New York[Syracuse and Buffalo}.

The Lobos went loco, also upsetting hapless Arizona. Still, New Jersey and 50 percent of New York and New Mexico remain soundly defeated.

10) The Idahos (1-5)

The Bengals and the Vandals remain defeated outside their own private Idaho. The Vandals, whipped by Western Michigan last week, notched their only win over the bad Bengals.

Defeated depression, the Idahos have challenged the state of Washington to a grudge match. And they are bringing the blue field boyz from Boise to bang up the Seattle Seahags.

All coaches in the Terrible Ten kindly request that Tearful Tommy Bowden stop crying and dialing them and begging to know what happened against Alabama.

As Shades Paterno often says, as he pulls away from Old Man Bowden, there isn't much worse in football then a bawling Bowden.

Keep the balls bouncing badly...'til next week, keep tearing it up terribly.