Auburn QB Cam Newton Cleared by NCAA for SEC Championship Game (Satire)

This week, the NCAA declared Auburn University star QB Cam Newton eligible to play in Saturday’s SEC championship game versus Steve Spurrier’s South Carolina Gamecocks.

Emboldened and energized by the NCAA’s decision, Newton’s embattled father Cecil escalated his ridiculous future demands regarding his Heisman hopeful son.

The elder Newton mandated these Mariah Carey-type diva demands, requiring that:

The Heisman Trophy would need to be plated in 18 carat gold, so if Cam is ultimately selected, Cecil could melt down the metal to help cover his burgeoning legal expenses.

Frito Lay would need to name a new chip after the younger Newton if the stellar QB advances past South Carolina to the Tostitos BCS championship game in Glendale, AZ on January 10, 2011.

Dell Computers would need to furnish Cam with a lifetime supply of laptops, so that the pilfering QB prodigy wouldn’t be tempted to steal another one in the future, further risking his NFL eligibility and marketability.

Cecil Newton could not be reached for comment. He was purportedly behind closed doors shamelessly offering would-be sports agent Kenny Rogers a second chance at bringing in bigger bucks, while Cam is still eligible. 

Straight Talk.  No Static. 

MIKE: The American Made Voice on Sports.

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