NHL: New Jersey Devils Request to Forfeit Season, Kovalchuk Contract (Satire)

SATIRE—In what was billed as a battle for last place, two of the NHL's worst teams so far this season, the Buffalo Sabres and New Jersey Devils faced off on Wednesday night.

The game ended in a shootout and with an opportunity to keep the game alive, Ilya Kovalchuk who signed a $100 million, 15-year deal with the Devils this summer to become their most potent offensive weapon, failed to control the puck long enough to even attempt a shot on goal.

The gaffe ended the game and extended the Devils' misery that surrounds their unexpectedly horrible season.

Bleacher Report caught up with Devils GM Lou Lamoriello after the game and he announced a shocking and unprecedented plan moving forward.

"I just called Gary [Bettman] after the game and asked him if we could just put a bullet in this thing, this season," said Lamoriello.

"I mean, I did the numbers on my calculator after he [Kovalchuk] lost [the puck] and figured out we just paid him $2,567 dollars to skate out there and lose the puck.  That's just unbelievable."

Lamoriello went on to say that although Kovalchuk isn't the only problem the team has faced this season, they are also suffering from multiple key injuries and trying to adjust to the style of new head coach John MacLean, erasing the Kovalchuk contract is his biggest priority.

"That's what I'm asking [the NHL].  We just want to forfeit the season, shut down, and pretend everything that happened after last season didn't happen," explained Lamoriello.

Though Lamoriello remains one of the most respected and longest-tenured GMs in the NHL, a request such as this has never been made, let alone granted in the history of the league; making Lamoriello's solution to his team's atrocious season an outside chance at best.

"Yeah, it's a long-shot, I'll admit that," said Lamoriello.  "But hey, look at that contract [Kovalchuk's] we got approved over the summer.  I mean, have you looked at that thing?  That's the craziest contract I've ever seen, no one in their right mind would believe we were serious about him playing 15 years.  But, the NHL gave us the thumbs up on that one, so, maybe this request isn't that crazy."

Lamoriello said that NHL Commissioner Gary Bettman is going to consult with the league's lawyers and other advisers to assess the feasibility of a single team forfeiting an entire season, and a player's contract along with it.

Lamoriello acknowledged that, along with Kovalchuk, the other players the Devils signed over the summer, such as Anton Volchenkov and Jason Arnott would likely have their contracts voided as well should the NHL grant his request.

"You know, if it goes through, I'm guessing we'd have to forfeit those other summer deals too, but, hey, I'll take it, anything to get out of this mess."

Lamoriello did not elaborate on what he would do if the team shut down for a year, but did say he felt it was in the best interests of the players.

"We've got a lot of experienced, competitive professionals on this team.  They don't want to lose, no one wants to lose.  But, you've got to face facts at some point and right now were on pace for what, 45 points?  So, we'll get the first pick overall next year? That draft is going to suck anyway, why bother?  Going this way [shutting down the Devils season] will give our guys a chance to spend an entire year with their families, go on vacation, just kind of relax, you know?  I mean, at this point, it's either that, or you can go ahead and stink on ice for the next five months."

Asked what he thought would become of Kovalchuk if the NHL granted his request, Lamoriello was matter of fact. 

"I could give a flying fart about that!  All I could say is good luck trying to land another $100 million deal.  It looks like I was the only one stupid enough to go for that, it's not going to happen again!"

Lamoriello then trailed off and walked away, repeatedly hitting himself in the head saying, "Stupid, stupid, stupid!"

Bleacher Report will continue to follow this story as it unfolds.

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