Cincinnati Bengals: Quickly Shifting Back To Laughingstock Mode

Well, I decided to give the Bengals another chance last night.  And, not even 10 seconds into the Monday Night Football clash with the Pittsburgh Steelers, I shouted "Why the F#$% am I watching this $%&#?"

How do you fumble the opening kickoff?  How?  You play for the Bengals, that's how. 

My history with this bumbling franchise began in 1988 with the Ickey Shuffle.  As an eight-year-old, I didn't know any better—I thought the Bengals would always be good.  The '88 team, led by Ed "The Bunch" Brady (No. 55), nearly defeated Joe Montana and the powerhouse 49ers in the Super Bowl that season. 

But, as you probably know, that was the high point for a lonnnnnnng time.  Cincinnati made the postseason the following year but never returned until 2005.  In the years between 1990 and 2004, the Bengals were the butt of every joke in the NFL.  The team name morphed into the "Bungles," obviously due to many, many horrific performances. 

Everybody points the finger at owner Mike Brown—and well, they should.  They should point something else at him too, while they're at it.  His refusal to hire football minds to head scouting and player personnel (or even a f***in' GM!) has suffocated the unfathomably loyal fans of Cincinnati with a boatload of garbage draft picks and disappointing seasons. 

In 2003 however, Brown finally made a good hire.  Marvin Lewis, the defensive coordinator for one of the NFL's all-time dominating defenses (Baltimore Ravens—Ray Lewis), walked confidently into the turd storm known as the Cincinnati Bengals.  Armed with optimism and toughness, Lewis slowly began to change the culture. 

Just two years later, the Bengals won the AFC North.  But, on the first series of the first round playoff game against (who else?) the Pittsburgh Steelers, Pro Bowl QB Carson Palmer had his knee busted up and that was that. 

The following season, the Bengals roared to an 8-5 record, needing just one more win to be playoff bound.  Cincinnati dropped the final three games, including the Christmas Eve game in Denver when a missed extra point ended a game that would have gone to OT.  Of course. 

I decided to boycott the Bengals the following year when WR Chad Johnson began to bitch and moan way, way too much.  I changed my work schedule to Sunday through Thursday to avoid getting sucked back into the kick-in-the-balls barrage that is Bengal football. 

But, miraculously, Cincinnati won the AFC North in 2009.  The first round playoff game was on a Saturday, so I decided to give the boys another chance.  They had earned another chance. 

And then, the Jets came to Paul Brown Stadium and kicked the filth-flarn-flarn-flarn-filth (Eddie Murphy's Bill Cosby impression voice) out of the Bengals. 

Fast forward to the 2010 opener.  The signing of Terrell Owens peaked my interest.  Since I had that Sunday off (my dad was in town), I decided to give Cincy another chance.  And, well, the bulbous New England 24-3 halftime lead pretty much confirmed my premonition. 

Finally, Monday Night against the Steelers.  In the first half alone, I saw the Bengals: fumble the opening kickoff, get a punt blocked, fail to convert a 3rd-and-1, and of course, give up a TD on 3rd-and-goal from the 8-yard line. 

In conclusion, nothing has changed.  The Bengals are safely removed from my everyday consciousness.  And you know what, I'm a happier man because of that.