Premiership Preview: A Light-Hearted Look at This Weekend's Fixture List

Premiership Preview

A light hearted look at this weekend’s fixture list….

Arsenal vs West Ham

Arsenal always have the capacity to disappoint. Just when you think they have turned a corner this team will do something ridiculous, like getting beaten at home by West Brom.

When a stiff challenge presents itself Arsenal all too frequently fold but when it comes to laying waste to mediocre opposition there are few teams better.

Premiership sides do not come much more mediocre than Avram Grant’s West Ham who are currently rooted to the foot of the table. The disparity between the two teams can only be compounded by the fact that Arsenal’s reserves strolled past Newcastle United in midweek while the majority of West Ham’s first team laboured to a grueling extra time win over Stoke City.

Scott Parker should have joined a better team long ago but for some reason moves to Manchester City and Tottenham Hotspur never materialized and he is stuck with the responsibility of single handedly saving West Ham from the ignominy of relegation.

The bad news for West Ham, of which there’s no shortage of present, is that Parker played for the entire 120 minutes on Wednesday night. Meanwhile the likes of Samir Nasri and Andrey Arshavin were given a well earned rest.

If you are thinking of putting money on West Ham to win this fixture then don’t because a) gambling is immoral and, depending on what country you happen to be reading this in, potentially illegal and b) it’s not going to happen.

Prediction:

Arsenal will probably miss a penalty or two en route to an emphatic home win.

Blackburn Rovers vs Chelsea

On the subject of gambling I would quite happily wage a few quid on Sam Allardyce’s team talk for this fixture containing the phrase, ‘they don’t like it up ‘em’.

Chelsea are a far superior footballing side to Blackburn Rovers and when it comes to containing far superior footballing sides Blackburn Rovers have a tried and tested formula which basically consists of attempting to outmuscle the opposition at every available opportunity.

If Allardyce’s team are in the vicinity of the Chelsea team bus when it arrives they will probably have to be restrained from banging on the windows and teasing poor old Peter Cech about his choice of head gear.

Once the match actually starts expect El Hadj Diouf to spend half of his time fouling Cech and the other half protesting his innocence with a series of well chosen expletives.

Blackburn will probably miss at least one glorious opportunities early on before Chelsea settle down and score a brilliant goal or two.

Prediction:

Chelsea will win, as per usual. Yawn.

Everton vs Stoke City.

This promises to be a proper blood and guts Premiership encounter between two physically committed teams. Neither Stoke nor Everton have ever been accused of ‘not liking it up ‘em’. Not even by Allardyce.

After making what is in danger of becoming their traditionally slow start to the season Everton have discovered a little bit of form. Beating Liverpool didn’t do any harm at all and four points from two recent away fixtures against Birmingham and Tottenham represents a more than respectable return.

Stoke might live to regret fielding such a strong side against West Ham given that the game went into extra time. Everton had the foresight to get knocked out of the Carling Cup at the earliest available opportunity and their players would have spent the week playing Play Station / spit roasting super models / whatever Premiership players get up to in their spare time these days.

Everton should be significantly fresher than Stoke and look set to continue their renaissance with a home win.

Prediction:

Everton to win, Tim Cahill to score at least one header.

Fulham vs Wigan Athletic

There are certain fixtures which are guaranteed to capture the imagination of football fans the world over. This isn’t one of them. 15^th in the Premiership vs 16^th in the Premiership is rarely the recipe for a classic encounter. There might be six more months of football to be played but this already has the look of a relegation decider.

Andy Johnson might be in line for a Fulham start after being injured for as long as anyone I know can remember. I have a distant memory of him once scoring quite a lot of goals for Crystal Palace in the Premier League which, on reflection, seems a little far fetched.

Roberto Martinez seems like a very nice man but nice men don’t tend to prosper in the top tier of English football. Martinez is in danger of going the way of Claudio Ranieri and Gianfranco Zola thus proving the old adage than nice guys do indeed finish last.

Prediction

Draw. Whatever happens it won’t be entertaining.

Wolverhampton Wanderers vs Manchester City

Karl Henry returns from suspension after being sent off for launching himself at Jordi Gomez a couple of weeks ago. Those calling for Henry to be hung, drawn and quartered, or at very least given an extended ban will be disappointed to see him back in action again so soon.

You don’t have to be Sam Allardyce to relish the possibility of Henry meeting his midfield match in Nigel De Jong. In the same weekend that Henry was unsuccessful in his attempt to decapitate Gomez the Manchester City midfielder well and truly caught Hatem Ben Arfa, breaking the Newcastle United winger’s leg in at least one place.

De Jong has got a bit of form and his studs up challenge in the World Cup final took the term high tackle to a completely different dimension. All eyes will be on these two if they are picked and it will be interesting to see whether all the recent publicity has them pussy footing around or if they are determined to fly into tackles with reckless abandon once again.

Carlos Tevez is injured which means that Emmanuel Adebayor will probably be leading the line for Manchester City. Expect him to spend most of the match sulking in a marginally offside position, although don’t be surprised if he scores a brilliant hat trick.

This match will doubtless be marketed as ‘the haves vs the have nots’, if anyone actually bothers going to the trouble of marketing it at all, and I fully expect ‘the haves’ to emerge victorious.

Prediction:

Manchester City win, but really it’s all about what happens when Henry and De Jong go in for a 50/50 ball. Armageddon perhaps?

Manchester United vs Tottenham Hotspur

If there is a record for the most mentions in a game of football of a player who is not actually playing than Wayne Rooney is likely to break it on Saturday.

He wanted to leave, he got talked out of it, he has an ankle injury. This pretty much summarizes the Rooney situation but doubtless certain commentators will find a way to discuss it in a much less succinct manner.

Meanwhile his replacement Javier Hernandez has been quietly banging goals in. The question is why does it say ‘Chicharito’ on the back of his shirt? English players have to put up with running around with their God given surnames on their backs so why should foreigners be allowed fancy nicknames? What would the Premier League say if Wayne Rooney decided he wanted ‘Wazza’ enscribed above his number?

I seem to have inadvertently reverted to discussing Rooney again. I am sure plenty of others will fall into a similar trap over the course of the weekend but perhaps now would be a good time to move swiftly on.

This is a key game for both sides. Tottenham will overtake Manchester United if they win while Manchester United will be desperate not to let the five point gap between themselves and Chelsea get any wider.

Harry Redknapp has defensive concerns. I haven’t actually researched this point but at least half of Tottenham’s defenders seem to be injured at any given time so I think it is a fairly safe assumption.

After an auspicious start to the season Dimitar Berbatov has taken to loitering with limited intent once again and could do with a goal or two against his former club. Redknapp knows a bargain when he sees one and the eight million pounds he splashed out on Rafael Van der Vaart is looking like money well spent. Knowing Harry he probably threw in a Mini Metro or two just to sweeten the deal.

Prediction:

Manchester United to win, Hernandez to score again and the words ‘the new Rooney’ to feature heavily in the following day’s press.

Aston Villa vs Birmingham City

Now this is a football match. You know that a game is going to be good when the authorities have to schedule it for midday on a Sunday just to stop people from drinking too much before hand. Knowing those Brummies they will probably set their alarm clocks in order to ensure that the prerequisite quantity of lager can be consumed in time for kick off.

Aston Villa are at a bit of a cross roads. Martin O’Neill did a fantastic job for several years, a point he managed to highlight quite effectively by leaving. Under O’Neill Aston Villa always finished in the upper echelons of the Premiership. They are currently lingering in 10th and new manager Gerard Houllier, who looks at least 50 years older than when he was last seen managing Liverpool, is in urgent need of a morale boosting win.

This was supposed to be the season in which Birmingham City pushed on and potentially overtook their local rivals but it certainly hasn’t happened yet. Birmingham have been marginally worse than Villa and are currently in 12^th.

If previous derbies are anything to go by there will probably be some scrappy goals and at least one goalkeeping error.

Prediction:

Aston Villa to win, Houllier to age visibly during the course of the game

Newcastle United vs Sunderland

Interesting that the powers that be scheduled this match for a full hour and a half after the Birmingham vs Aston Villa game. This will give both sets of supporters an extra 90 minutes drinking time in the build up to this north east derby which surely can only be a good thing?

It will also give the Newcastle United players an extra 90 minutes in which to get involved in fracases with girlfriends / passers by / each other.

The appearance of the name Asamoah Gyan on the short list of candidates for World Player of the Year must have mystified Sunderland fans. It seems a long time ago but I seem to remember him missing quite an important penalty at the World Cup. This Sunday’s game would be as good a time as any for Gyan to remind us exactly how he made his way onto a list which did not contain Wayne Rooney’s (there we go again…) name.

Provided Andy Carroll can avoid getting arrested, or at least incarcerated, between now and Sunday Chris Hughton’s side should go into this match as favourites. Newcastle have been a little hit and miss this season but Carroll took time off from allegedly hitting members of the public to actually hit the back of the net last weekend in a morale boosting away win against West Ham.

Newcastle will be looking to build on that but their home form has been poor and Darren Bent, who scores against just about every other defence in the Premier League, will be looking to add to his already impressive tally of the season with a goal or two at St James’ Park

Joey Barton will take time out from offering Carroll legal advice to anchor the Newcastle united midfield and with card hungry Lee Cattermole on the other side you suspect the referee will not have a quiet afternoon.

Prediction:

Newcastle United to win. Multiple yellow cards to be shown.

Bolton Wanderers vs Liverpool

The Premiership weekend climaxes with this most anticlimactic of fixtures. Unless either Fulham or Blackburn suffer a catastrophic blow to their goal difference the previous day Liverpool will start this match in the relegation zone.

Despite Liverpool supporter’s delight at successfully replacing one set of American owners with another these are troubling times at Anfield. The change in ownership might have boosted morale but it is the team’s meager return of nine points from nine games which is most urgently in need of a boost.

Bolton Wanderers find themselves in the right half of the table for once. Owen Coyle’s side are currently eighth although Liverpool will overtake them if they are able to win by three goals or more.

Coyle’s insistence on playing a passing game appears to actually be paying dividends for Bolton who no longer feel the need to systematically set out to discover whether opponents ‘like it up ‘em’ or not.

Liverpool have looked completely bereft of imagination in suffering away defeats to Manchester United, Manchester City and Everton so far this season. Hodgson did at least show he has an imagination when he claimed that his team had played well and created a lot of chances after a particularly lackluster performance against Everton.

An away win against Bolton Wanderers would do Hodgson’s team a whole lot of good, particularly if it could come complete with a match winning performance from either Steven Gerrard or Fernando Torres.

Prediction:

A bore draw. Hodgson to claim Liverpool were better than Brazil.