10 Stupidest Things Overheard at an NHL Game: Tips for Clever Girls

As a nod (or thunderous applause and giddiness) to hockey season, I thought I would issue forth a few gaffs to help So Very Clever Guy's Girls ease into the season.  Sometimes just hearing the absurd things others say prevents you from saying them yourself.  Good lessons can be learned at the expense of others-- better someone else than you, eh?

I have to start here to prevent you from becoming one of THESE PEOPLE. Keeping in mind, this list has been compiled over twenty years, BUT, that does not mean these are the only stupid things I’ve overheard--frankly, these are my favorites because of how many times I have heard them.

So, if I sit within earshot of you at a hockey game, and overhear you say anything on this list, I am going to pull from my far too large purse (it’s really more of a satchel) a T-shirt which reads "I am STUPID and do not deserve my hockey ticket"

The first thing you need to know about hockey is--if you don’t know, ask a question--do not assert--at least not out loud.

Part of the Clever articulation for men and women is to be curious, try new things, broaden your interest base. You do not have to read "Hockey for Dumbasses" before you go to a game, nor do you need a Ph.D. in hockey so you can dazzle your companion with your dizzying knowledge. Ask the person who brought you to the game some questions, but those questions need NOT to be similar to any shared here.

This Is a Really Nice Stadium

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22 Mar 1998: Defenseman Kevin Hatcher of the Pittsburgh Penguins in action during a game against the Dallas Stars at the Reunion Arena in Dallas, Texas. The Stars and Penguins tied 0-0. Mandatory Credit: Stephen Dunn /Allsport

It’s an arena girls. This is one reason I initially opposed expansion hockey teams or franchises in cities where it doesn’t snow. These are football regions and every thing “hockey” is perceived through a football lens.

How Many Quarters Are There?

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MONTREAL, CANADA- APRIL 24: Derian Hatcher #2 of the Philadelphia Flyers skates against the Montreal Canadiens during Game One of the Eastern Conference Semifinals of the 2008 NHL Stanley Cup Playoffs on April 24, 2008 at the Bell Centre in Montreal, Cana

None. Hockey is played in periods. There are three. Each period is 20 minutes long. Pay attention here, girls, just like football--triple the time on the clock to figure out how long until an intermission.

Is That Military Time?

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PHILADELPHIA - OCTOBER 27: Keith Primeau #55 of the Philadelphia Flyers celebrates a goal by teammate Peter Forsberg #21, tying the game against the Florida Panthers at 19:10 of the third period on October 27, 2005 at the Wachovia Center in Philadelphia,

No. It. Isn’t. The time clock in hockey counts down--so naturally, when it says 17:31, it does not mean it is 5:31pm (if it were this would indicate it was a weekend when games are played in the afternoon).

If You Get There Early They Explain the Rules

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28 Jan 1999: Bob Probert #24 of the Chicago Blackhawks skates during the game against the Calgary Flames at the Canadian Airlines Saddledome in Calgary, Alberta, Canada. The Blackhawks tied the Flames 6-6. Mandatory Credit: Ian Tomlinson /Allsport

No. They. Don’t. (As a sidebar, I need to know who “They” and “Everyone” are. I am tired of being the only person who doesn’t know who “they” are. If anyone knows either “they” or “everyone” please let me know- I’d like to speak with them). Some programs include general rules and terminology, but a Clever Girl would brush up before the game- by reading this blog or by going to NHL.com.Regardless of how much you learn, please do not dictate to your date (whether it is your father, brother, co-worker or friend- male or female). No one likes an undisputed authority who rubs your nose in it- and further, you just look pompous.

Is It Time For Tip-Off?

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UNIONDALE, NY - OCTOBER 09: Brenden Morrow #10 of the Dallas Stars of the New York Islanders at the Nassau Coliseum on October 9, 2010 in Uniondale, New York. (Photo by Bruce Bennett/Getty Images)

No. It. Isn’t. We call it a faceoff and it happens for the first time of each game at center ice. Please see next idiotic statement.

The Best Seats Are On The Fifty-Yard Line

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UNIONDALE, NY - OCTOBER 09: Brenden Morrow #10 of the Dallas Stars of the New York Islanders at the Nassau Coliseum on October 9, 2010 in Uniondale, New York. (Photo by Bruce Bennett/Getty Images)

It’s called center ice. This is not football. This. Is. Hockey.

Watch The Puck- It Has Blue Flames That Shoot Out Of It

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PHILADELPHIA - OCTOBER 11: Chris Pronger #20 of the Philadelphia Flyers during warmups before a hockey game against the Colorado Avalanche at the Wells Fargo Center on October 11, 2010 in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania. (Photo by Paul Bereswill/Getty Images

OK. I’ve had it. When Fox first won the contract to broadcast NHL games, they thought people who don’t watch hockey suddenly would. People who love hockey and watch hockey on TV do not need the help of an animated blue sterak to keep track of the puck. So, to recap: There is no actual blue flame emanating from the puck. Further, those who love to watch ,live or on television, know a lot of great playing happens behind the puck.

When Is Half Time?

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PITTSBURGH - MAY 08: Forward Sergei Fedorov #91 of the Washington Capitals skates with the puck against the Pittsburgh Penguins during Game Four of the Eastern Conference Semifinal Round of the 2009 Stanley Cup Playoffs at Mellon Arena on May 8, 2009 in

Please refer to idiotic statement number 2. We call it intermission and it lasts for 17 minutes unless otherwise noted.

Is He The Assistant Captain?

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LOS ANGELES - OCTOBER 14: Eric Lindros #88 of the Dallas Stars gets set for a face off during the NHL game against the Los Angeles Kings on October 14, 2006 at the Staples Center in Los Angeles, California. The Stars won 4-1. (Photo by Juan Ocampo/Getty

No. He. Isn't. "A" means alternate. In this regard, if the captain ("C") is not on the ice, the privileges of the captain extend to the alternate.

Somebody Hit Somebody

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EAST RUTHERFORD, NJ - JANUARY 28: Bret Hull #17 of the Detroit Red Wings warms up before the NHL game against the New Jersey Devils at Continental Airlines Arena on January 28, 2003 in East Rutherford, New Jersey. The Devils defeated the Wings 1-0. (Ph

This statement is the one that magnifies both your idiocy and alerts those actual hockey fans within earshot to your neophyte status. Yes, hockey players tend to get into altercations occasionally, but fighting does not define the sport- as well evidenced by the general lack of physical play during the playoffs.You see, physical play can draw penalties, and while it might be OK to be short handed (down at least one player) during the regular or pre-season (after all there are at least 86 games prior to play-offs), each play in the playoffs is critical. So, some of the most gorgeous (do not read boring) hockey you will ever see is during the playoffs.  

**Initially I made a generalization about the number of games in the regular season (I meant to include pre-season), and an unhappy Rangers fan corrected me- so ... I made a correction above.