The 25 Least Manly Things In The Sporting World
In college, Reggie Bush stole the souls of defenders who tried to tackle him with his dynamic play and outstanding footwork.
He stole the Heisman with those moves too.
When he hit the NFL, however, he seemed to avoid contact and ran from sideline to sideline. Many people viewed him as a wimpy player and a disgrace to the hard-asses in the sporting world.
Luckily he turned it around, and no one worries about his manliness anymore .
But for these 25 sporting occurrences, there are a lot of man cards at stake.
Each of these makes the sports fan sadder than the ratings of an M. Night Shyamalan movie. They can be classified as strategic or entertaining or funny to some, but in sports, they are known by one word:
What are these events that humiliate sports and manhood? What 25 happenings could actually make it worth spending money on The Happening?
Just wait and see.
25. Running Backs In A Committee
Can't blame the coaches for using more than one running back when they don't have one who can carry the ball 20 times during a game.
Scouts keep telling the fans that these players are the most athletic people we've ever seen.
So why can't they do both size and speed?
Add a dash of durability and we'd actually have a real running back.
Golf enthusiasts will probably say that golfers need complete focus to strike the ball like they do.
Strange, because Michael Jordan needed complete focus to nail his famous jumper over Bryon Russell, and he did it an arena with a decibel level higher than that of a jet turbine.
Plus, wouldn't tennis be better with people yelling like McEnroe the entire match?
America might actually watch.
23. Backing Out Of The All-Star Festivities
The rule should be that only way to get out of an All-Star game is if a player is injured.
Not because the manager thinks the home-run derby will tire out his body. Or that he decides to back down on his promise from the year before.
If you get selected or voted in, you play. If you commit to an event, you play.
Fans pay two times their life savings to see their idols play, and you can't swing at 10 pitches in the Derby?
David Stern recently fined Ted Leonsis $100,000 for his comments regarding the NBA's salary cap.
Leonsis opened up his change purse and paid off his debt in under four minutes.
Wow, that worked well.
Charging people minute amounts of money compared to their paycheck does absolutely nothing, and just shows that commissioners can be jerks for things that don't actually matter.
21. The Pick-Off Attempt
Men like things that are efficient. This isn't that.
Men like things that show no weakness. This isn't that.
Men like things scantily clad. This isn't that.
Yes, coaches don't want the opposing runner leading off the base, and that's fine.
Just get a better catcher. Enough said.
20. Open Floor Layups
If the player can't dunk, that's a different story.
But when people pay $70 to sit in the nosebleeds, they deserve to see a dunk when the multimillionaire is wide open.
Anyone can go glass on a finger roll. The fans want to see this monstrous move.
19. Avoiding Gatorade Bath
No one doubts Bill Belichick's manliness. It takes real guts to dress like a hobo 24/7.
But other players and coaches are a whole separate story.
Trying to avoid the Lemon-Lime or Riptide Rush shower is just a lame move. Take the colored rain with some dignity.
Prince did, and he's manlier than anyone. Right?
18. Tennis Grunting
For women, it's understandable that the grunt can help release more energy and power.
For men, it's just weird.
Guys who grunt admit they need some kind of added advantage that they can't get at the gym.
Tell that to The Situation, and he'll just laugh.
It's a coaches' sign that his team can't do it with their play.
Intentional fouls are different. This refers to fouling the same player repeatedly with more than 3 minutes left in the game.
It's disrespectful not only to the fouled, but to the players who aren't trusted to make a comeback with defense.
16. Adult Autograph Getters
Those signs at theme parks that say "You must be this tall to ride" should be inverted for autographs:
"You must be this short to get a signature." The requirement should be 60 inches and below.
Kids can stand in line to get their idol to sign something, but if an adult does it, they just have "child molester" written on all of them.
Sound good to you, gramps?
15. Long Soccer Substitutions
Coach, do you not think your team can hold the lead for an extra 20 seconds?
Do you really need to pick the player in a different zip code to tortoise his way to the sideline?
Stalling with a sub is just disrespectful to the game. If the team can't hold the lead, then they deserve to lose.
14. Black Eyed Peas
Remember the good ol' days when pump up music came from rock groups like Metallica, Rage Against the Machine and AC/DC?
Sadly, now going to a sporting event means suffering through more robotic noise than at a car factory.
The word "noise" is the only way to describe it. Songs use words, not "Boom Boom Pow."
13. Bad Free Throw Shooters
This shot is purely muscle memory, and bad free throw shooters have the memory of a goldfish.
There is no easier shot to practice in all of basketball. It requires no lateral movement, no jumping, and no real distractions.
Yet some of these men shoot with the accuracy of Jackson Pollock, which is just sad.
12. Prepared Statements
When someone admits their mistakes, he manned up.
When someone else does it for him, he pussed out.
And for a Tiger, the latter seems more natural.
Terrell Owens sure built up a great reputation with the Eagles for his quiet and friendly demeanor.
I've built up a great reputation for my sarcasm.
He was maligned as anyone, and making a scene on the sidelines is something no one should ever try to do.
Well, he actually never tried. Owens is a natural.
10. Pat On The Butt
Nowadays, there are so many different ways to acknowledge someone.
The high-five. The fist-pound. The Facebook Poke.
Still, dudes loving playing smack (and possibly grab) ass.
Bravo must be on 24/7 in the locker rooms.
9. The World Series Of Poker
ESPN stands for Entertainment & Sports Programming Network.
Strange, because the WSOP isn't any of those things.
Not even programming.
8. Leaving The Court Without Shaking Hands
Sportsmanship may be the only thing kids learn when they play sports at their local parks.
King James must have been too busy owning the park to learn.
He left the Eastern Conference Finals in 2009 without shaking the hands of the victors, the Orlando Magic. While he says he's just a fierce competitor, that's no excuse.
Even Magic and Bird hugged it out. So suck it up, 'Bron.
7. Twitter Fights
It's embarrassing when two grown-ass men have to settle their differences via something called a "tweet."
Could it sound less intimidating?
Hey Visanthe, here's a message for you in less than 140 characters.
"Shut the hell up."
Has there ever been a time when complaining got a play actually reversed?
So many players just yell at referees as if the zebra just killed their parents and it never amounts to anything.
All the complaining is an attempt to move the blame somewhere else, and real men take responsibility.
Where does that leave you, Mr. Kelly?
5. Delta State Fighting Okra
This is, hands down, the worst mascot in sports.
YOU. ARE. A. VEGETABLE.
Vegetables are pansy in general. No man rushes to the market and picks the greens over the buffalo wings.
And okra is the taint of veggies.
Women can pull it off.
Gay artists can pull it off.
Real men, not so much.
Not even France can save that blunder.
No wonder Legend of Zorro understudy Adam Morrison loves to well up. He's a total weakling.
Crying has never been manly, unless it's tears of joy.
Hear that, Big Baby? The only water coming out of your head better be from your drool.
Sports look like they are played in a wharf with all the flopping going on.
Faking injuries and trying to bait umps to make calls is just like saying "I can't make the play on my own, so the ref will do it for me."
Sounds manly to me.
Or in the words of Borat, "NOT!"