Sebastian Janikowski and Oakland Raiders Are on Their Way (Satire)

"I was too close" were the words uttered from Oakland Raiders kicker Sebastian Janikowski following his game-ending 32-yard field goal miss against the Arizona Cardinals that would have won the game Sunday.

Janikowski blamed Raiders offensive coordinator Hue Jackson for putting him in such a tight predicament. "He knows I have to be at least 50 yards out to have a chance, and even then I'm not real confident in my abilities," he said.

No one can blame the world's largest Polish sausage for not being confident in his abilities—he is a Raider, after all.

"It's been especially tough on me to play for this team...so much pressure after being drafted in the first round. I mean I'm a kicker. Does Al know that?," Janikowski said of owner Al Davis. "I always wondered why I was drafted so high, but once we took (Darrius) Heyward-Bey with the seventh pick last season I felt a lot better about where I was drafted"

While Janikowski does have a career long of 61 yards, he hasn't been the most accurate kicker, connecting on just over 78 percent of his career attempts.

When asked why he has missed five field goals this season, Janikowski once again noted the pressure he is feeling.

"After we beat the Rams last week I know a lot of Raiders fans booked their hotels in Dallas for February," he said. "We were supposed to be title contenders this season; just ask Raider Nation, they'll tell you. Al should have never let JaMarcus (Russell) go. I told him the two of us would have made a great tandem on the offensive line."

Janikowski seems to be on to something, since the two combined for a weight of nearly 600 pounds.

"Obviously we could use some help on the offensive line, and we drafted JaMarcus with the fall-back plan of putting him at left guard," said Raiders crypt-keeper Al Davis. "But then we spent two mid-round picks on the offensive line this year and Russell became expendable.

"I like to think of myself as a draft guru. How else do you think I found Mike Mitchell in the second round last season. Mel Kiper...who does that guy think he is anyways? He had him as an undrafted free agent; I sure showed him."

The Raiders' commitment to excellence has been on full display since 2002 as they haven't started a season 2-0 since then.

"We haven't been strong starters the past seven seasons," Davis said. "Come to think of it, we haven't really finished strong either. But I think this is the year. Did you see us beat the Rams? Oh, that game was blacked out. Never mind. We are tied for second in the division. I like our chances."

The Raiders are the unquestioned favorites to win the AFC West this season and, despite current Vegas odds that list them at 80-1 to win the Super Bowl, Oakland is undoubtedly heading there.

Just ask them.