The Footballing World In a Fix: Wanna Play?
The recent spot-fixing cloud that is looming over the cricketing world got me thinking: Is this possible in football?
Well, for the Cricket virgins, let me explain that spot-fixing is a term used when you fix a minor, unsubstantial event in a match which may or may not affect the result of the match.
But, how would you incorporate that into a game of football? For example, could you fix the exact minute when a certain player or team would concede a throw-in or a corner?
The options are rather limited and the implementation even more difficult because you would never know whether that player/team will have possession of the ball in that very minute. Thus, risks involved aplenty.
What else could you fix? Here's a list of some possible events:
P.S. 1: This is a work of humour and part fiction. Any similarity or likeness to any person living or dead is purely intentional.
P.S. 2: I am NOT trying to propagate the cause of "fixing" anything in anyway.
P.S. 3: Naah, I prefer the Wii!
Have You Got Some Gum, Lad?
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The first thing that comes to my mind is Sir Alex Ferguson's everlasting gobstopper right out of the Willy Wonka factory.
There isn't a frame on television where he isn't seen going at it, grinding and mincing that poor piece of gum to smithereens.
I wonder if he's got some special box to keep it at night, or maybe he just goes on at it 24X7.
Fancy putting a wager on the amount of goes he has at it in 90 minutes?
a. 29837621
b. 16742592
c. It's a show!! There ain't no gum!
When contacted, Sir Alex was unreachable as he was busy instructing the Nani on how to train the Bebe. (pun intended)
"I Deed Not See It, Désolé!
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How many times have we heard Le Professeur utter that phrase?
This peculiar breed of selective myopia which comes into play when an Arsenal player commits a foul, or when a dubious decision goes Arsenal's way, has been the butt of many jokes and heated discussions apart.
How many incidents will Wenger choose to ignore?
With calls for video evidence on the rise (thanks to Wenger's own protégé - Handball Henry), this fix will have to be implemented ASAP.
Another interesting wager would be the amount of times Wenger begins a sentence with "I believe.."
Several messages were left on Mr. Wenger's phone. It has to be seen whether he will see them.
Yellow Or Red?
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A typical game-night for Paul Scholes would involve a string of pin-point accurate passes, a scorcher of a goal or an assist, and a bookable offense(s).
"Good tackler" certainly does not make Scholesy's resumé. Yet, his perseverance (ignorance?) in each game is remarkable, to the horror of the opposing team.
Nowadays, his reputation precedes him. Add to that his "Ginger-top 35-year-old boy" looks does not help his rapport with the referees.
The ruthlessness of the tackle, and hence, the resulting colouration of the card given is totally in his hands..err..legs..well, sometimes both!
Scholesy was unreachable as he had an appointment with the hair-stylist.
Will He? Won't He?
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Think "Assault", and which footballer comes to your mind? No, not de Jong! Ok, add "moustache" to that. Aah, now you've got it!
Joey Barton's career is one of the most tainted in Premier League history. From the run-of-the-mill disciplinary issues to stubbing a cigar in someone's eyes, Joey Barton has done it all. He's been convicted enough times to make Vinnie Jones proud!
After his infamous altercation with Alan Shearer at the fag end of the 2008-09 season, Joey looks to have calmed himself down.
Only a matter of time before he flips.
When contacted, Joey was at the same stylist as Scholesy, working on his moustache.
The Curious Case Of David Beckham's Hair
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The most decorated English footballer and one of the most recognised sportsmen in the world has much to thank his hair for.
From dark floppy bangs, blond fringes and Mohawks to Alice bands, braids and total baldness, DB has been there and done them all.
His style is totally inimitable as he changes it every hour! There was even a rumour passing around that his hair undergoes metamorphosis (or as I like to call it, hairomorphosis) during the course of the 90 minutes.
The unpredictable nature of his hair makes way for an interesting bet. When contacted, David was styling Scholesy's hair.
Enough with the stylist jokes already!
Lost In Translation
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The days Jamie Carragher puts in a 'Man of the Match' performance, rear as they come, are dreaded by the interviewer and non-Scouse viewers alike.
Steven Gerrard and Wayne Rooney are reported to be his best friends, and Sir Alex Ferguson, his mentor.
No wonder Rafa Benitez preferred learning a new language, than trying to comprehend Scousic. You've got to hand it to him for sticking it out for five years!
The number of comprehensible words in Jamie's interview makes an interesting bet.
Jamie was unavailable for comment due to lack of volunteers to make the call.
Holy Shiekhs!
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Manchester City, or Abu Dhabi United, as it is now popularly called, has seen a huge influx of cash, players and camel milk over the past couple of years.
The oil-rich state financed £200 million worth talent (?) in 2009 and matched it up by coughing up £150 million this year.
However, the amount of players exiting the club exceeds those coming in. Speculation is rife about the disunity in the camp, with ex-players coming out and baring all to the media.
Manchester City and their Sheikhs provide a lot of fodder with regards to betting and fixing. Here are a few examples:
1. How many players will come in / go out this year?
2. How many managers will come in / go out this month?
3. How many English alphabets will Carlos Tevez learn this decade?
4. How many players will Nigel 'de Jong' in this match?
5. How many Toures will be added to the squad this year?
I could go on and on...
Seriously Speaking
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On a more serious note, fixing a match in the Premier League looks almost impossible to me. Compared to cricket, football is a very difficult sport to fix.
Football is more of a team-game, you would need to buy at least 5-6 players in a team to achieve the desired results. The amount of scrutiny involved and the level of competitiveness in football just makes it even more daunting a task.
I am in no way demeaning cricket, I have the utmost respect for the game. I am just trying to say that cricket is an easier game to fix than football.
You can instruct a batsman to get out for less than 10 runs, but can you imagine instructing a footballer to score between the 20th and 30th minute? How would you arrange that?
And with teams like Manchester City pampering their players with £200k-a-week packages, its going to take something really substantial to make Carlos Tevez miss from six yards out. Oh wait!
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