SEC Football: Larry's Losers in The SEC Week One

Larry Burton (Syndicated Writer) Well folks, here we are again with a new year ahead of us and everybody undefeated, at least for this for this first game.

For all the old fans, welcome back, for the new fans, this here’s a down South look at the games of the SEC with colloquialisms and Southern logic that make predictions just a little more fun. Here we pick the losers, not the winners and we have some fun in doing it.

Bacardi the Wonder Dog and I have spent the off season looking for the perfect smart cookie recipe to try all pull off some perfect prognosticatin’, and we think we’ve got a better recipe to start with than the batch of smart cookies we ate last year.

Last season we were 73-20 in the regular season for a 77% accuracy rating and with the SEC championship and bowl picks we finally pulled it up to a respectable 80% accuracy, but it was clearly our worst season of picks in almost 10 years

So in typical alphabetical order let’s look at week one and see who’s winding up on the short end of the smart cookie dish and who’ll be strutting away unstained.

San Jose State at Alabama –

The Spartans from the California come a calling for a big pay day and a butt whippin’ and they’ll get both along with an earful of 100,000+ people screaming for more.

Head coach Mike MacIntyre ain’t never walked a whole team to the slaughter like this before and it’ll be proof that the Spartan’s only win the movies against a parade of pounding pachyderms and unfortunately for him, this ain’t Hollywood.

Nick Saban may even give some playing time to the flute section of the Million Dollar Band in this game.

Larry’s Loser – San Jose State

Tennessee Tech at Arkansas –

Bobby Petrino and the Pig Posse throw out the welcome mats in Fayetteville to the Golden Eagles from Tennessee.  At least that’s what they’re meant to look like.

In reality they’re place mats for the meal to come. These Hogs are gonna pluck them Golden Eagle’s and they’ll be golden alright, golden brown in the barbecue to follow.

Ryan Mallet’s gonna come off looking like a Heisman contender as they keep throwing them birds in the trough and Watson Brown may have trouble finding enough birds to fill the coop next week.

Larry’s Loser – Tennessee Tech

Arkansas State at Auburn 

Coach Steve Robers parades his pack of Red Wolves into Jordan-Haire Stadium in hopes of catching a Tiger by the tail, but most of the red on these woeful wolves will be from the embarrassment of the outcome of the fight.

Gene Chizik’s been stockpilin’ and sharpenin’ these kittie’s claws for a while now and this contest will show that wolves ain’t no match for some SEC cats.

By the time this contest is over these wolves will be lucky to have a tail to tuck between their legs as the ones that can, run from the stadium to lick their wounds.

Larry’s Loser – Arkansas State

Miami at Florida 

Coach Michael Haywood let’s his Ohio variety Miami Red Hawks fly South for the summer to Florida to visit the Gator farm down in Gainesville

Unfortunately for them, this ain’t no tourist trap, just a trap game that will end up with a bunch of well fed Gators all commenting on how these Red Hawks taste a lot like chicken.

Urban Meyer’s gonna show there’s life after Tebow and Johnathan Brantley could become a star in just in just his first start after feathers start flyin’ around the swamp.

Larry’s Loser – Miami of Ohio

Louisiana Lafayette at Georgia –

Richie Bustle is gonna hustle his Ragin’ Cajuns all the way to Georgia in order to catch a sleeping dog and sneak off with a victory over Mark Richt’s mongrels.

Bacardi the Wonder Dog says that all good dogs sleep with one eye open and once them Cajun’s all get between the hedges there’s gonna be more dog bites than at the county fair hot dog eating contest.

Mark Richt needs some momentum for this season and there ain’t no better way or opponent to get it against these not so Ragin’ Cajuns.

Larry’s Loser – Louisiana Lafayette

Kentucky at Louisville -

The Kentucky Kitties wander into the backyard of the Louisville Cardinals hopin’ to do a little more than just bird watching this Saturday.

Joker Phillips takes the kitty leash from Rich Brooks and tries to guide these tabbies back to a bowl for an unprecedented fifth time and in Louisville, coach Charlie Strong aims to put more power of the pecking of these birds.

While Charlie Strong is sure to make a difference with this flock, it’s too little too soon and the feline’s make the cover of this weeks edition of Cat Fancy.

Larry’s Loser – Louisville

LSU vs North Carolina in Atlanta -

So far, all these other picks could’ve been done without any smart cookies, but pickin’ the winner here could be as tough as the game itself.

Butch Davis brings his Tar Heels South while Les Miles brings his Bayou Bengal’s East to neutral site Atlanta for the Kickoff Classic game.

The Heels have a daunting defense and LSU has a offense that has some potential so it’s gonna be a long a drawn out war of attrition. This game could go down to the play of the special teams.

Les Miles has much more to lose in this game than just a victory and he’ll have his pussycats prepared to pounce and have somebody else keep up with the clock, but in the end, Bacardi and I see the those Tar Heels stuck to the line and the Cajun Kitties unable to scratch for enough yardage to pull this one off.

Larry’s Loser – LSU

Edit - With it being announced today that none of the players being investigated will play in this contest for North Carolina, Bacardi and I respectfully change our loser to North Carolina.

Jacksonville State at Ole Miss 

Jack Crowe brings his Bama Birds to Oxford, Mississippi for a run at the rebels, and while Houston Nutt ain’t got the sharp shooters he needs for the whole year, he feels like he’s got enough dry powder and good shots for this flock of Gamecocks.

Ex-Bama backup Thomas Darrah may finally get to start against an SEC team, but his supporting cast won’t be in Crimson, so he may have a harder task than he hoped for.

When all that black powder smoke from the Rebel muskets finally clear, they’ll be lots of chicken to go around for a little post game pullet party.

Larry’s Loser – Jacksonville State

Memphis at Mississippi State –

Larry Porter didn’t leave the SEC for long as he leads his Memphis Tigers down to the Dog pen at Starkville for his first stint as a head coach since leaving LSU as an assistant.

But if he thinks he’s ready to paddle these pooches he’s got another thing coming. Dan Mullen’s Doggies might be a lower SEC team, but they are on the rise and these Bulldogs think they’re Dobermans when people come to try and take a win in their yard.

When it’s all over all over under and done, Dan can pet those puppies on the head and tell ‘em they were good boys.

Larry’s Loser – Memphis

Southern Miss at South Carolina –

Larry Fedora flies the flock of Golden Eagles of Southern Miss over to South Carolina, but them birds ain’t been the same team since they told Jeff Bower to fly the coop. They come to Columbia however thinkin’ an Eagle can catch a Gamecock even on a bad day.

But the Old Ball Coach didn’t bring no fryers to this contest, but some sho’ nuff fightin’ chickens with razor sharp talons to this tussle.

When the feathers stop flyin’ it’ll be the home team cheering and the Golden Eagle will be even more endangered than it is now.

Larry’s Loser – Southern Miss

Tennessee Martin at Tennessee –

Jason Simpson comes to Neyland Stadium with a bunch of birds called Skyhawks. Me and Bacardi don’t really know what those are, but figured they can’t be as good as even a rebuilding SEC team full of mountain men with muskets.

We even had to break out Google just to find that school on a map. The Skyhawks may be brother Tennessee boys, but I have a feeling they’re going to be beaten like step children.

Derek Dooley is gonna take some lumps this year, but at least he starts off his SEC career on a good note.

Larry’s Loser – Tennessee Martin

Northwestern at Vanderbilt –

Pat Fitzgerald and his purple people eatin’ Wildcat’s come South to Nashville for a little football and Southern hospitality and most think that’s about all the Commodores can give them, a little football.

Robbie Caldwell may or may not make it as an SEC caliber coach, but if he doesn’t, he may can try out for a role on a new Hee Haw series.

This contest will just be the first of a few that show the Big Ten can go out of conference and take on teams from good conferences ‘cause when they leave Nashville the Commodores will be bailin’ water.

Larry’s Loser – Vanderbilt

Ok Bacardi, it looks like a good week for the SEC with a couple of exceptions and now we gotta wait a week and see if the recipe for this batch of smart cookies is gonna be the one to see us through a great season.

Hey Dog! Go fetch my house shoes and let’s get some snacks. Until next may the only losing you do be on your bathroom scale.