Week 14 NFL Power Rankings: Sizing Up Separation Sunday

Last week I was accused of all kinds of stuff—mainly being cruel, mean, and heartless.

First of all, I make fun of everyone at some point in the season...and it's all done in fun. No one should take me too seriously.

Lord knows, I don't. 

Secondly, for the record, I have the heart of an innocent, carefree child.

I keep it in a jar of formaldehyde next to my computer.

Now, on to the NFL—where there was some separation this weekend.

New England clinched a playoff spot, as did Dallas. Both teams are now on track to wrap up the No. 1 seed in the playoffs.

Elsewhere, Indy beat back a dangerous AFC South rival, and Seattle, Tampa Bay, and San Diego tightened their grips on their divisions.



(Team — Last Week — Record)

1 New England Patriots 1 (12-0)

New England looked mortal for the second week in a row against Baltimore.

Wait, I take that back—the Pats looked dead last night against Baltimore, but somehow found a way to come back and win.

I thank the Ravens defense for melting down after New England's go-ahead score.  I've always wanted to see a team kick off from the opponents' 35-yard line.

 

2 Dallas Cowboys 2 (11-1)

The Cowboys won the “Showdown in Big D” against Green Bay, knocking Brett Favre out of the game in the process.

That almost turned out to be a mistake, because Favre, as usual in Dallas, was impersonating Johnny Rocket Boy, going 5-of-14 with two picks.

Favre's replacement, Aaron Rodgers, led the Pack back twice to within three points before Tony Romo and the Cowboys ran away with it.

 

3 Indianapolis Colts 4 (10-2)

Indy won a showdown of their own against Jacksonville Sunday.

On the play of the day, Frankenstein, er, Peyton Manning put his big head to use by submarining Reggie Nelson at the Jacksonville 33. Nelson was returning an interception out of the end zone and had nothing but open field ahead of him.

Now that's the way to atone for a screwup.

 

4 Green Bay Packers 3 (10-2)

Texas Stadium continued to be Brett Favre's personal house of horrors, as the veteran QB was picked off twice before being knocked out of the game with a dinged elbow and a separated shoulder.

Packers fans should take heart for the future in the performances of both Aaron Rodgers, who looked good replacing Favre, and Ryan Grant, who ran for 94 yards against the Cowboy D.

The short-term future looks less bright, since getting to the Super Bowl will almost certainly require another trip to Dallas.

 

5 Pittsburgh Steelers 6 (9-3)

After a week of practice, Pittsburgh is getting downright good at playing in the mud.

This week it only took the Steeler until 8:41 into the second quarter before they scored; last week it took almost the entire game.

 

6 Jacksonville Jaguars 5 (8-4)

Jacksonville has to feel like the world's most experienced bridesmaid—for three straight years they've come in second to Indy in the AFC South.

After Sunday's loss, they can plan on making it four straight.

 

7 Tampa Bay Buccaneers 7 (8-4)

Former boy wonder Jon Gruden led his team to victory over current boy wonder Sean Payton in New Orleans Sunday.

On a side note, both these guys still get carded in bars.

You gotta give Gruden the He-Man credit for going for it on 4th-and-2 at the New Orleans 28 with two minutes to go in the game and his team down by three.

He would have been crucified if they didn't make it—but they did. Great and gutsy call.

 

8 Seattle Seahawks 8 (8-4)

In the battle of the walruses (walrusi?), Mike Holmgren led his Seahawks to victory over Andy Reid's Eagles.

Holmgren, as the winner, got all the fish he could eat after the game.

 

9 New York Giants 10 (8-4)

Unfortunately for the 8-4 Giants, they play in the same division as the Cowboys, so the only way they're going to the playoffs is with a Wild Card berth.

The G-Men took another step towards that goal by beating the Bears in a shaky game in Chicago. Even at 8-4, though, they've yet to beat a team with a winning record.

 

10 San Diego Chargers 12 (7-5)

And here come the Chargers...um, well, charging back from an awful start to the season.

The Bolts showed this weekend that they're the dominant team in their division. Of course, their division is the AFC West, so that's not saying much.

 

11 Cleveland Browns 9 (7-5)

It was an early Christmas in Arizona, as the Browns gave the Cardinals a TD off an interception return and a couple of turnovers deep in their own territory.

Even so, the magnanimous Browns kept it close, and Kellen Winslow appeared to come down with a winning TD late in the game.

But the Cards' best present was saved for last—and it came from the officials, who on an un-reviewable decision ruled Winslow out of bounds.

 

12 Tennessee Titans 13 (7-5)

Albert Haynesworth was back this week—and for the first time since he got injured four weeks ago the Titans came away with a win.

Sure it was an ugly win, but this is Tennessee we're talking about. Win or lose, they define ugly.

 

13 Minnesota Vikings 15 (6-6)

Adrian Peterson is back—and two days later, Lion safety Kenoy Kennedy is still looking for the jockstrap he lost on Peterson's second TD run.

After getting slammed by the Pack 34-0 three weeks ago, the Vikes have scored 83 points and given up just 27 in two blowouts over the Giants and Lions.

Hard to believe this is a Brad Childress offense.

 

14 Arizona Cardinals 22 (6-6)

Last week, Kurt Warner threw for 484 yards in a loss. This week, he threw for 169 yards in a win.

If the playoffs were today, Arizona—yes, Arizona—would be the final NFC Wild Card team. Fortunately for football fans, the season doesn't end today.

With games @Seattle, @New Orleans, and at home against Atlanta and St. Louis, it's anyone's guess if Arizona will make the playoffs. Normally, I'd say that's an easy schedule—but with the Cardinals, who knows?

 

15 Buffalo Bills 18 (6-6)

The Bills used five field goals and a safety to edge the Redskins Sunday.

Dick Jauron continues to flirt with the second winning season of his coaching career. C'mon Dick, stop teasing us.

 

16 Detroit Lions 11 (6-6)

The Lions free-fall continues—the loss to Minnesota was their fourth straight.

Some people had actually started to believe that Jon Kitna's preseason prediction of 10 victories and a playoff berth would come true. Matt Millen has more to worry about, though—his perfect streak of losing seasons is still in jeopardy.

 

17 New Orleans Saints 16 (5-7)

Nothing is as embarrassing as a trick play gone awry, and New Orleans fans were reaching for their paper bags when the Saints botched their “Superdome Special” and gave the ball to the Bucs on their own 37 with 3:30 left in the game.

Tampa Bay marched down the field and scored a TD. Game over.

 

18 Carolina Panthers 25 (5-7)

They were dancing in the streets in Charlotte as the Panthers won their first home game in over a year against the 49ers Sunday.

You know it's been a long time since you won at home when your fans are excited about a victory over the 49ers.

 

19 Chicago Bears 18 (5-7)

Oh those Bears—just when you think they're going to get back in the playoff hunt, they choke.

After holding the Giants to seven points through three quarters, the Bears gave up two long TD drives in the fourth.

Last year, the Bears rode their dominating defense to the Super Bowl in spite of their horrible offense. This year, they they're a much more balanced team—they're bad on both sides of the ball.

 

20 Houston Texans 20 (5-7)

The Texans continued their stagger towards a sixth-straight losing season this weekend.

It's virtually a lock that they'll make it—they're two games below .500, with matchups at Indy and against Jacksonville remaining on their schedule.

 

21 Philadelphia Eagles 14 (5-7)

For the second week in a row, the Eagles hopes died on an A.J. Feeley interception.

In two games, Feeley has thrown seven picks. On Sunday, he must have thought Lofa Tatupu was wearing an Eagle jersey—three of his four interceptions were passes to the Seattle linebacker.

 

22 Washington Redskins 19 (5-7)

Okay, okay, Joe Gibbs cost his team the game by calling an illegal second timeout in an attempt to ice the Buffalo kicker...but didn't anyone on the Redskins sideline question the timeout call before it was made?

I mean, they were in the middle of the first timeout when Gibbs decided to call the second one. Couldn't someone have said something?

Oh well—it was only the 5-7 'Skins against the 6-6 Bills...so who cares anyway.

 

23 Denver Broncos 21 (5-7)

Going into Sunday's game against the Raiders, Mike Shanahan was 20-5 against the Raiders since Al Davis fired him and Pat Bowlen hired him.

However, this year's Broncos are proving they can lose to anyone—and were blown out by Oakland in their first loss to the Raiders in five years.

 

24 Baltimore Ravens 26 (4-8)

The Ravens played New England tough Monday Night, but after taking a 24-17 lead early in the fourth quarter the Ravens offense got the ball three times and went three-and-out on each possession.

I don't care how good your defense is—your offense has to be able to at least help hold the lead.

I would've thought an “offensive genius” like Brian Billick would know that. Geez!

 

25 Oakland Raiders 25 (4-8)

"It's big. It's not just another game for us," Raiders cornerback Nnamdi Asomugha said after the Raiders beat the Broncos Sunday. "Back-to-back AFC West games. That's huge. That's never been done since I've been here. We're taking strides."

I'd hardly call beating Denver and Kansas City “strides.”

Baby steps, maybe, but not “strides.”

 

26 Cincinnati Bengals 23 (4-8)

Speaking of geniuses, I thought Marvin Lewis was the genius who was going to resurrect the Bengals.

Two years after leading the Bengals to their first winning season since 1988, Lewis looks like he belongs with Dick LeBeau, Bruce Coslet, and David Shula among ex-Bengal coaches...not Sam Wyche, Forrest Gregg, or Paul Brown.

 

27 Kansas City Chiefs 24 (4-8)

"We just can't seem to score any points in the fourth quarter coming down the stretch," said Chiefs coach Herm Edwards after Sunday's 24-10 loss to the Chargers.

I have news for Herm:

When you have the 30th-ranked offense in the league and are only averaging 14.3 points a game, you have more problems than just scoring “coming down the stretch.”

 

28 St. Louis Rams 30 (3-9)

In the first of this week's “Broken Windshield” games, the Rams beat the visiting Falcons 28-16.

The late, great sportswriter Pete Axhelm coined the term “Broken Windshield” for games like this one because if you left two tickets to the game face up on the dashboard of your car...someone would be sure to come by and break your windshield to leave two more.

 

29 New York Jets 31 (3-9)

And of course the second “Broken Windshield” game was New York at Miami, which the Jets won 40-13.

You know things are bad when you're 3-9 and two out of your three wins have come against the league's only winless team.

 

30 Atlanta Falcons 29 (3-9)

In one of the more exciting races in the NFL this year, Atlanta and San Francisco (standing in for New England) are neck-and-neck for the No. 2 pick in the draft.

The Rams and the Jets don't seem that serious about the competition, as they both won last week.

 

31 San Francisco 49ers 28 (3-9)

Mike Nolan is finding out that wearing a suit on the sideline isn't impressing anyone.

Maybe he ought to try taking it to a strip club—his suit, that is. His team wouldn't even impress strippers.

 

32 Miami Dolphins 32 (0-12)

The members of the 0-14 1976 Tampa Bay Buccaneers gathered in the alley next to a 7-11 in Newark, NJ and cracked open quarts of Colt 45 to toast yet another loss by this year's Dolphins, who took a step closer to the first 0-16 season in NFL history.