All-Time Fictional Basketball Players From Movies

This list includes all fictional movie characters that were raw at basketball. So, that is why you will not see Michael Jordan from Space Jam, Dr. J from the Fish That Saved Pittsburgh, Shaq and Penny Hardaway playing for the Dolphins in Blue Chips, and Ray Allen as Jesus Shuttlesworth from He Got Game (who hooked up with those college coeds on his recruiting trip at Tech University, with Rick Fox as the "assistant coach").

1. Billy Hoyle (Woody Harrelson) - White Men Can’t Jump

Billy will go down as one of my favorite characters in sports movies. He was a degenerate gambler who hustled street ballers for cash. What more would you want from a guy? Even with this life style, he was able to pull Gloria (Rosie Perez), which is why I guess he was on the courts all day. With that annoying voice, I would be out as long as possible too. So, even though you can’t jump Billy, you can hit a half court hook shot on the Sudan basket for the team.

2. Lewis Scott (Damon Wayans) - Celtic Pride

Scott was cocky, had a shot, and was clutch. Not your typical guy that would fit the Salt Lake City crowd mold, but No. 2 on the Jazz won over his fans with his great play. In addition, Scott was all about making as much money possible, appearing in countless commercials like Oscar Meyer. Not only was he winning a NBA title, but he had to do so with two filthy degenerates going Gary Sinise and kidnapping him like Mel Gibson’s son. "Give me back my son."

The best part was, when he was locked in the degenerates’ apartment, he had to listen to one of their classic voices. Hum Daniel Stern, who was a Wet and Sticky bandit in the Home Alone 1&2. For those who have way too much knowledge, like me, he was also the voice of the narrator in the hit-show The Wonder Years.

3. Quincy McCall (Omar Epps) - Love and Basketball

Quincy is straight up the man in this movie. Sure he never had a solid NBA career because he went Willis McGahee in the BCS championship to his knee on a dunk, but he got to witness his wife Monica ball in the WNBA.

Quincy was a stud at USC who took the OJ Mayo route and left after his freshman season to enter the draft. Even though his father, Dennis Haysbert, who is a black president in the hit show 24, a violent swinger as Pedro Cerrano in Major League, and, if any of the people on this list need car insurance, he can help them out with All State as well.

Monica fell for Quincy even after he shattered her heart by DUNKING on her, then mean mugged her while she was on the floor. Plus, after he took his shorts off after the two were playing basketball in a dorm room, she had to jock.

4. Antoine Tyler (Kadeem Hardison) - The Sixth Man

This was a hard one: do you put the dead guy on the list or his younger brother? Sure, the older brother Tyler was better when he was alive but can I really put a guy who is a ghost on the list. Well, I have to; he was just way too raw. Not only was he dominant when he was alive, but he took the Washington Huskies to the NCAA championship, while carrying them as a ghost.

He made his little brother, Marlon Wayans (not the gay one in Scary Movie) a legitimate player on the court, but also off the court in helping him pull that red-bone reporter. Plus, when Antoine could play for a coach who was the father in the Tom Arnold classic Carpool, you got to show love. Lastly, to my Bay Area sports fans, the championship game was played at the Oakland Coliseum.

5. Kyle (Duane Martin) - Above the Rim

Kyle had to be thick skinned and deal with a lot of adversity, like TuPac getting him caught in the drug game or that Shepard (same guy who was Derrice Bannock in Cool Runnings, who was coached by fat ass Uncle Buck for the Jamaican Bobsled team) who was trying to go out with his mom. So, even with these outside events, they were battle tested and played like a real New York hoop should, not like that jokester Stephon "I wear $20 starberry’s" Marbury.

6. Jim Carroll (Leonardo DiCaprio) - The Basketball Diaries

What can I say; he was a straight-up stud on an unbeatable New York prep school team. The only problem was he would steal from opposing teams’ lockers and was addicted to heroin. The good thing was that Carroll wasn't on that powerful Blue Magic that Denzel was slinging in American Gangster. If he was on that, there is no way his neighborhood role model, "Reggie," would be able to bring him back.

7. Jamal Wallace (Rob Brown) - Finding Forester

Not only could he ball on the court but he had some real skill with the pen. Especially when your tutor is an ex-prisoner on "The Rock." Hum Sean Connery. Brown was also a Richmond Oiler in Coach Carter where Samuel L. Jackson made him go to work on the suicide drill.

8. Derek Vinyard (Edward Norton) - American History X

Any guy who can play for who gets the right to play on a public court, the whites or blacks, has some heart. Especially when your teammate is fat Ethan Suplee, who was Louie Lastik from Remember the Titans and a bully in Boy Meets World.

9. John Tucker (Jesse Metcalfe) - John Tucker Must Die

Not only was my boy John Tucker pulling any girl he wanted, including that side burn wearing Ashanti, but he had some game. When you are hitting 360 dunks while sporting thongs from Fredericks and spitting game at Brittany Snow from American Dreams, you are kind of the man.

10. Jim Chitwood (Maris Valainis) - Hoosiers

Probably the best pure shooter on the team, Chitwood would be there in the clutch for this team. Plus, if this team needed some alcohol after a post-game win who better to ask than the town drunk, Dennis Hooper?

Coach - Edwina "Eddie" Franklin (Whoopi Goldberg) - Eddie

My girl Whoopi would be such a solid coach for this team. She can control the egos, and if they ever get on a losing streak, it’s no problem at all because she’s a nun. That’s right; Sister Mary Clarence from Sister Act would have the team always playing with the Lord on its side.