Peyton Manning Retires, Chooses New Career Path (Satire)

Four-time NFL MVP Peyton Manning is finally tossing aside the cleats. After twelve grueling seasons for the Indianapolis Colts, Manning is calling it quits and forging a new path for himself.

“I’m tired man. Sixteen games is enough, but we make the playoffs every year so it’s always even more than that. I just can’t do it anymore,” Manning told Sports Illustrated ’s Peter King while speaking with a slight drawl. “After dealing with the heartbreak from the Super Bowl, I just don’t want to put myself through all of this again.”

Manning also explained that he doesn’t think his skills have diminished at all: “You know, deep down I know I’m still pretty good. . . if you like 6'5", 230-pound quarterbacks with a laser rocket arm. And yes, that was a quote from one of my commercials.”

So where will this 10-time Pro Bowler go from here? Manning has decided that he is switching out his helmet for a microphone and being a full-time pitchman.

“I’ve already done commercials for Sprint, Sony, DirecTV, Gatorade, NFL Sunday Ticket, and. . .” (King fell asleep during Manning’s never-ending litany of endorsements and could not complete the list for us).

Upon shaking King back to consciousness, Manning continued by telling the reporter that his goal was to eventually endorse products for every single company in the world. “I really think I can do it,” Manning said.

When asked why he suddenly decided to switch careers, a grin crept across Manning’s marketable face. “I always got such a rush from throwing touchdown passes and winning games. And don’t get me wrong, it felt pretty damn good when I won the Super Bowl, but nothing compares to the feeling I get when I get to yell ‘Cut that meat! Cut that meat!’ and just make people laugh.”

A dreamy look appeared on his face before he asked King, “Do you think I can be more popular than Isaiah Mustafa, the Old Spice guy? I wonder if I should start all my commercials by saying ‘Hello ladies’ and showing off my abs.”