ZAKUMI'S DIARY: EPISODE NINE

"I don't want the World Cup to end! Join me on my petition to FIFA to extend for one more month! You think I have a chance??"

Those are the words of Isabel Mebarak Ripoll, not mine. Wondering who that is? Okay let me give you a clue: she’s Colombian and her “hips don’t lie”. You get it now uh? Shakira tweeted that she’s having so much fun in South Africa, she doesn’t want the World Cup to end now. I so agree with her, FIFA should extend the tournament by another month. They should find an excuse so we can start the tournament all over again. Okay an excuse like eerm the jabulani is defective so they will have to change the ball and start the tournament from the very beginning. Haha. That of course is wishful thinking, in less than 60 hours, we’ll be drawing the curtains down on South Africa 2010. The party is almost over and I think it’s safe to say South Africa 2010 has been one hell of a World Cup. It’s the “best I ever had” and I feel obliged to thank the South Africans on behalf of all football fans around the World. I heard Mandela reads my blogs so I’m sure he’ll get to read this.

The first World Cup on African soil will certainly produce a first time winner and a first “European” World Champion outside Europe. That’s very interesting. It’s like Africa is indeed the playing grounds of the Europeans uh. They are about to conquer Africa again. Haha. Never mind that was just by the way. In the semi-finals, Holland defeated Uruguay and Spain subdued the German machines to reach the finals of this year’s World Cup.

Regarding Germany’s loss to defeat, I’ve got something to say. And you know exactly who or what I want to talk about. Yeah, that octopus. Paul ‘the psychic’ whatever. Paul has apparently been predicting the results of all six of the German national team’s matches at the World Cup. I only heard of him/it (I don’t even know which one to use) just before the Germany-England game. It predicted a win for the Germans in that game and it happened, it did same for the Germany-Argentina game and also predicted Germany’s loss in the semi finals. So Paul is gaining a growing reputation for being able to predict the outcome of football matches.

But I’m wondering, don’t you think maybe (just maybe) the octopus has been lucky all this while. I’m sure there’s someone out there who has been able to predict the results and even the exact scorelines. Take Koby Fitih for example, way before the tournament started, he told me Spain and Holland would make it to the final. And here we are, Spain and Holland are in the finals. Does that mean I should build a shrine for ‘Emoo’ and start pouring copious amounts of hard liquor (preferably, Kasapreko Gin Bitters) at his feet all in the name of “you-tell-me”. “neba” (as my grandma would say), I don’t get it. Don’t you think we are taking this octopus thing too far? The Germans have been putting the trust in ‘Apostle Paul’ and by my reckoning they play with so much belief knowing that a certain oracle has predicted a win in their favour. “dis bi white man juju”. My theory is that, the Germans lost to Spain because the psychology of the team was affected by Paul’s ‘unpatriotic’ prediction.  Okay that’s just my theory, you don’t have to believe it.  But in any case these things work on the team psychology.

I hear some Germans are angry with the workers at Sea Center in Oberhausen. They are bent on killing Paul for bringing such misfortune on the ‘Die Mannschaft’. After trusting the ‘Oracle of Oberhausen’ for all this while, now they want to kill it. Haha. These Germans!!!  Even the Prime Minister of Spain has joined the fray,  “I am concerned for the octopus … I am thinking of sending him a protective team,” said Jose Luiz Rodriguez Zapatero. Also the Spanish Minister for Environment and Fisheries has suggested that she’ll petition for a fishing ban on Paul at the next meeting of the European Council of Minsters so the Germans do not eat him! Isn’t this a joke? A fishing ban on Paul the Octopus? How about the other octopuses who have no one to speak for them? 

Check this out, a Spanish-American chef has taken octopuses off his menu after Spain defeated Germany in the semi-finals. Now we are depriving humans of these palatable molluscs just because of one ‘lucky’ octopus?  “Mtseew, e dey bore me sef”. 

Paul has once again predicted a win for the Spaniards. The World is waiting with bated breath to see if Paul's prediction would come to pass. Me, I won’t deprive my body of much needed oxygen. I’ll rather save my breath to cool my ‘Hausa kooko’. Even if IT gets the results right I still won’t believe IT. Yeah, I’m jealous so what. There's something about Paul's predictions though, if you've noticed, you'd realise that most often (it) moves to the left of the tanker. Me I doubt this animal paa ooo.

Elsewhere another animal has predicted a win for the Dutch in the final of the World Cup. MANI-a parrot in Singapore’s Little India district-is reputed for determining the course of the romantic and financial lives of clients or so I’m told. This parrot is determined to steal some of the spotlight from Paul and has joined in this ‘predict and win’ business. MANI VS PAUL (HOLLAND or SPAIN). That sounds like movie title. Well, I don't know who to believe but I know one of them will definitely be executed. Some kenkey and fried ‘octopus or parrot’ plus ‘kpakpo shito’ won’t be bad at all. Enough of this ‘whiteman juju’ thing, lets talk some real football.

One last thing though, maybe I should get a goat to be predicting the outcome of matches in the Glo Premier League and matches involving the Black Stars. I could make some good cash you know. Reminds me of ‘Alidu and his goat’. Great idea!! Now I know what to do after the World Cup ends. #bursts into hysterical laughter#

REVIEW OF SEMI-FINALS

URUGUAY-HOLLAND

Well I got my wish, but not the kind of results I was hoping for. I’d wanted the Dutch to wallop ‘them’ like 4-0 or even a wider margin than that. The game wasn’t one sided though. The Uruguayans were in it from the very beginning.  Clearly they were missing Suarez upfront and their defence was also weakened by the absence of their captain Diego Lugano and left back Jorge Fucile. Oscar Washington Tabarez was lacking in personnel and in all honesty, I do think the Uruguayans did a good job.

I don’t have any sympathy whatsoever for the La Celeste but I was impressed with their fighting spirit. They could have caused more problems for the Dutch judging from their plucky play. Diego Forlan has proven himself to be one of the best (if not the best) player at this tournament. He’s got 5 goals to his name and could probably win the ‘Top scorer’ award if he scores more goals than Sneidjer and Villa in his last match.

Ironically, the Uruguayans were complaining about bad officiating in their game against Holland. That sounds like sour grapes to me. Carlo Garganese of goal.com opined that “To put it simply, Uruguay would have won 2-1 with proper officiating”. I don’t want to open a can of worms but where was Carlo when Uruguay was playing against Ghana. Proper officiating uh? This is as good as it comes. And I don’t even want to say Karma’s a bi@tch cos we all know it really is. That’s not the end of their woes though, there’s the Germany-Uruguay game. I’ll come to that later.

SPAIN VS GERMANY

Personally I’ll blame Germany’s loss on the octopus. But over and above that, I think the Germans clearly lacked self belief, much of which they exhibited in their games against England and Argentina. They played as though they had already lost the game. Spain held the ball for long spells of the contest and the Germans had to chase the ball all around the pitch. They couldn’t play their counter-attack football because they rarely had the ball and anything they had it they couldn’t string decent passes together. Trochowski couldn’t step into Mueller ‘big boots’ and had to be replaced by Kroos in the second half of the game. Trochowski was always drifting into the middle of the pitch and that opened up space on his side of the pitch. They Germans were on the back foot for most parts of the game and even Podolski had to fall back to defend. That left the Germans with limited attacking options upfront. They probably lost interest in the game at a point.

Spain should have won the game by more than a goal but thanks to their discredit they were profligate in front of the German goalpost. With Fernando Torres on the bench and a new-look 4-2-3-1 formation, the Furia Roja played with more fluidity and passed the ball around very well. They re-discovered their trademark ‘tika-taka’ style of play. Their possession based approach paid off on the 73^rd minute when Puyol headed the Spaniards into their first World Cup final. I don’t know if you’ve noticed this but don’t you think Puyol’s head bears a striking resemblance to the head of Medusa-the Greek mythical goddess with snakes on her head. Anyways, Spain is the lowest-scoring team ever to reach the final. This 1-0 win over the Germans is their third 1-0 win in this tournament. Perhaps they’ve adopted the 1 Goal Project and are making good use of it. Like I said in the last edition of Zakumi’s Diary, sometimes luck is all you need to win a World Cup. They’ve not been the best team at this tournament but they are in the finals and they stand a good chance of lifting the trophy.  

REVIEW OF THE THIRD PLACE PLAY-OFF

GERMANY VS URUGUAY, 10^TH JULY 2010, 18:30 GMT

Okay let me make this clear, it’s highly impossible to talk about any game involving Uruguay without making reference to the Ghana-Uruguay game. I know it’s not advisable to keep going back to that issue but don’t worry, with time it’ll be boring to talk about the ‘Hand of the Devil’ (really?) until then I’ll keep referring to it. So this is it, because of Luis Suarez, Uruguay will lose this match. After all 4^th place and 8^th are the same. Okay the 4^th placed team gets more money but do I care? The most important thing is that they won’t get a medal.

The Germans are the favourites going into this game. The return of Thomas Mueller into the starting line-up should give the Germans more width. Width is what they need for their counter attack play to tick. Miroslav Klose is just a goal away from equaling Ronaldo’s record of 15 World Cup goals and confident he’ll probably score a brace. The Germans would be motivated to win this one because anything short of a bronze medal would amount to failure in the eyes of Germans.

Uruguay will have Fucile, Lugano and Suarez back in their starting eleven. I expect them to go into their first 3^rd place playoff in over 40years with that same kind of “win at all cost” attitude they’ve showed since the start of this tournament. La Celeste only qualified for South Africa through the CONCACAF/CONMEBOL playoff against Costa Rica, and are appearing in their second World Cup since 1990. Win or lose, I do believe they won’t be too hard on themselves. In fact Christmas must have come earlier for those 3.5million Uruguayans cos I don’t think they honestly believe they should still be in South Africa at this time of the year. Having said that, players like Diego Forlan, Maxi Pereira, Luis Suarez, Netor Muslera, Godin, Caceres, Edinson Cavani et al have proven their worth on the international stage. 

THE FINAL

SPAIN VS HOLLAND, 11^TH JULY 2010, 18:30 GMT

SPAIN VS HOLLAND: The Denouement!!!!

Starring

Wesley Sneidjer as “The Engineer”

Arjen Robben as “the Tormentor in-chief”

Robin Van Persie as “RVP”

Sergio Ramos as “Rambo”

Xavi as “X-factor”

David Villa as “El Guaje” and

Howard Webb as himself

Mr. Webb has been appointed as the referee for the final of the 2010 FIFA World Cup. Along with his two assistants they’ll become the first set of officials to take charge of a Champion’s League final and a World Cup final all in the same year. The last time an English referee (Jack Taylor) officiated in a World Cup final was in 1974 when Holland played against West Germany. The Dutch took an early lead through a Johan Neeskens 2^nd minute penalty kick but eventually lost the game 2-1 after 90minutes of play.

This game is too close to call. Both teams have the steel in their team to get through this difficult game. Spain will try to pass the ball around like they did against Germany. I’m sure Del Bosque will maintain the same starting eleven for the second game running and that means Torres will start from the bench once again.

The Dutch have no injuries worries ahead of this game, maybe Stekelenburg but that’s a minor injury. Van der Wiel and Nigel De Jong will return to the starting line-up after serving one game ban. Most South African will be supporting the Dutch because South Africa was once a Dutch colony. Some South Africans have Dutch names and can trace their ancestry to Netherlands. Moi, I’ll be routing for the red fury: La Furia Roja.

So come Sunday, it’s going to be a battle between “Red and Oranje”. Both teams are physical but they also the ability to pass the ball with grace in equal measure. The final wouldn’t be a dull contest, trust me. This is the first competitive match between these two nations at the senior level. The Dutch are on a 25 match unbeaten run and if the win the World Cup, they’ll be the second nation (after Brazil in 1970) to have won the World Cup without losing a game in qualifiers and in the competition itself. If the Spaniards win it, they’ll be the first country to have won the World Cup after losing the first match in the group stages.

There’s a lot at stake now: pride, glory, history and a chance to shed off the tag as ‘perennial under-achievers’. Until now, both teams have always often disappointed at the big stage. Now is the time to put those dark periods behind them. A World Cup triumph for any of them would mark the beginning of a new chapter in the football history of their countries.

The die has been cast, let’s see how it rolls. 

FIFA WORLD CUP AWARDS

GOLDEN BOOT AWARD: This award is given to the top goalscorer in the competition. As it stands it a straight fight between David Villa(5), Wesley Sneidjer(5), Diego Forlan(4) and Miroslav Klose(4). Any of them could win the Golden Boot Award. My bet is on David Villa.

GOLDEN BALL WINNER: The award is presented to the best player at the World Cup. My guess is that Wesley Sneidjer (Champions League winner and potential World Cup winner), David Villa (Spain’s favourite son) and Diego Forlan ( Europa League winner and potential Golden Boot winner) would be the fore runners. Other players include Arjen Robben and Lionel Messi (remember his record breaking season).  

BEST YOUNG PLAYER: Given to the best young player aged 21 or below at the start of the World Cup calendar year. It’s likely that Thomas Mueller will win this one. So far he’s scored 3 goals and has 3 assists. Other players in the running include Giovanni Dos Santos, Dede Ayew and Sergio Busquets. Mezut Oezil is a young player but falls outside the age bracket. Too bad.

YASHIN AWARD: The best/safest pair of hands at the World Cup wins this one. My nominees include Manuel Neuer(Germany), Richard Kingson (Ghana), Fernando Muslera(Uruguay) and Martin Stekelenburg (Holland).  Jan Mucha (Slovakia) and Eiji Kawashima (Japan) probably have an outside chance of winning the Yashin Award.

FIFA FAIR PLAY AWARD: No idea but not Uruguay.

MOST ENTERTAINING TEAM: Can’t tell but maybe Germany or Holland.

ALL STAR TEAM: “The all star team is a squad consisting of the 23 most impressive players at the World Cup, as selected by FIFA's Technical Study Group (TSG). The team is chosen from a shortlist of over 50 players, and the players are selected based on performances from the second round onwards”.

ZAKUMI INDEX: All Star Team,

GOALKEEPERS: Manuel Neuer, Richard Kingson, Martin Stekelenburg,

DEFENDERS: Sergio Ramos, Maicon, Lucio, Joan Capdevila, Carlos Salcido, Diego Godin, Per Mertesacker,   

MIDFIELDERS: Mezut Oezil, Bastian Schweinsteiger, Diego Perez, Van Bommel, Wesley Sneidjer, Keisuke Honda, Arjen Robben, Kevin-Prince Boateng, Thomas Mueller,

FORWARDS: David Villa, Diego Forlan, Miroslav Klose, Robert Vittek.

From the safety of Paul the Octopus, through to the preview of the two final matches and my ‘FIFA Awards’ nominees, these are the topics for discussion today. Have your say. 

This has been the primetime edition of Zakumi’s Diary. Thanks for turning up for the show!!!

SIYABONGA ZAKUMI