Linemen. Large, jolly yet fierce creatures that dwell between the trenches on the football field, selflessly throwing themselves at charging opponents in hopes that their smaller, more elusive teammates can find a crack of daylight and light up the scoreboard. Unappreciated and almost always lost within the hustle and bustle of the gridiron, linemen have managed to find their niche within the fanbase as the like-able, levelheaded every-men in this game of spoiled, egotistical millionaires.
In honor of the ice cream trucks, hot dog grilling, and porch beer drinking of summer, I've compiled a ranking of the NFL's largest competitors both in weight and composition. So sit back, let your gut hang out, and celebrate some of the earth's most enormous athletes. Here are your winners...
NFL MVH (Most Valuable Hog): Max Jean-Gilles, Philadelphia Eagles
Congratulations Max Jean-Gilles, you are the fattest boy in camp. Without a question, Jean-Gilles takes the cake and everything else in the kitchen while at it. Listed at a generously light 358 lbs, Jean-Gilles boasts a BMI of 44.9, narrowly missing being categorized as super-obese and having to settle for mere morbid obesity. More impressively, Jean-Gilles is the only NFL player in history to undergo lap-band surgery while still playing.
Heavy Favorites (Largest Division): AFC North
Nudging the monstrous NFC East by a mere seven pounds (get eating Mike Williams), your biggest division centers around the Mid-Atlantic area where the Bengals and Ravens help push the limit towards a combined 6,547 lbs. Averaging an unearthly 327 lbs per player, the "Paul Brown Division" serves as an inspiration for the rest of the league.
Skinny Winners (Lightest Division): AFC South
Maintaining an unimpressive combined weight of 6,169 lbs, the Colts, Jags, Texans, and Titans are part of the NFL's scrawniest division. Tennessee's own offensive guard Jake Scott certainly knows how to stay trim and still battle in the trenches, weighing a feather-like 295 lbs and possessing only a Class-II Obesity rating.
Each team was ranked on the combined weight and average BMI (Body Mass Index) of its five projected starters. Tiebreakers were done by comparing the heaviest lineman on each team.
1. Philadelphia Eagles (1,690 lbs, 40.5 BMI)
Not a one man team, Max Jean-Gilles was significantly aided by left tackle Jason Peters (41.5 BMI), center Jamal Jackson (40.3 BMI), and guard Stacy Andrews (342 lbs).
2. Cincinnati Bengals (1,657 lbs, 39.8 BMI)
Each Bengal starter besides string-bean center Kyle Cook weighs over 330 lbs.
3. Pittsburgh Steelers (1,640 lbs, 39.2 BMI)
Steel Curtain is bolstered by the solid Chris Kemoeatu (6'3", 344 lbs).
4. San Francisco 49ers (1,621 lbs, 39.0 BMI)
Apparently Singletary should have his boys lay off the Ricearoni.
5. New Orleans Saints (1,609 lbs, 38.8 BMI)
Its safe to say Saints guard Carl Nicks (343 lbs) is looking forward to their Thanksgiving game this year.
6. Arizona Cardinals (1,598 lbs, 38.8 BMI)
Newly appointed American citizen Deuce Lutui can proudly carry his 338 lbs around as a member of our great country.
7. Jacksonville Jaguars (1,584 lbs, 38.8 BMI)
Team officials have stated that recent television blackouts have not been caused by insufficient fan attendance but by Jags' guard Vince Manuwai blocking out the sun.
8. Miami Dolphins (1,592 lbs, 38.3 BMI)
Narrowly breaking the 1,600 lb barrier the Dolphins may be more appropriately named "The Manatees".
9. Baltimore Ravens (1,587 lbs, 38.2 BMI)
Ray Ray's gang would be rated higher if 370 lbs incoming nose tackle Terrence "Mount" Cody was on the offensive side.
10. New York Jets (1,582 lbs, 38.7 BMI)
Hopefully Jets' leader Damien Woody hasn't shed too much weight after being challenged to a slimming contest by hefty head coach Rex Ryan.
11. Minnesota Vikings (1,607 lbs, 37.8 BMI)
With massive book-end tackles Bryant McKinnie (6'8", 335 lbs) and Phil Loadholt (6'8", 343 lbs) its a wonder phenom runningback Adrian Peterson is able to find any room running between them.
12. New York Giants (1,576 lbs, 38.5 BMI)
Although they don't have any real "Giants" on their offensive line, "Big Blue" is solid across the board in terms of size.
13. Green Bay Packers (1,566 lbs, 38.8 BMI)
One would think the Green Bay line would be larger located in the middle of cheese country.
14. San Diego Chargers (1,583 lbs, 37.8 BMI)
If immense tackle Marcus McNeill returns from his holdout, the Chargers will undoubtedly move up thanks to his 336 lbs of girth.
15. Atlanta Falcons (1,568 lbs, 38.1 BMI)
Fun Fact: Falcons fullback Ovie Mughelli has dubbed 256 lb starting runningback Michael Turner "Fatty" in honor of his tremendous thunder thighs.
16. St. Louis Rams (1,572 lbs, 38.0 BMI)
While not exceptionally large, the Rams are happy to be mediocre in anything these days.
17. Dallas Cowboys (1,598 lbs, 37.1 BMI)
The immovable Leonard Davis makes a living out of punishing defenders with his 6'6" and 358 lb frame.
18. Chicago Bears (1,550 lbs, 38.1 BMI)
The Midway Monsters may have slimmed down to a point in which they pale in comparison to the species belonging to Bob Schwatzski's Superfan Club.
19. Washington Redskins (1,586 lbs, 37.1 BMI)
Although the original "Hogs", the Redskins have slipped as of late, newcomer Trent Williams sure brings a lot to the table (6'5", 315 lbs).
20. Carolina Panthers (1,550 lbs, 37.8 BMI)
Carolina's shining hope comes in the form of Jeff Otah and his 330 lbs of pain.
21. Cleveland Browns (1,573 lbs, 37.2 BMI)
One would think that Eric "The Penguin" Mangini and Mike "Mighty Moustache" Holmgren could come up with a larger cast than this, especially with Floyd "Pork Chop" Womack at guard.
22. Detroit Lions (1,543 lbs, 37.7 BMI)
Look at the bright side, Matt Millen isn't around to pick another bust wide receiver in the draft's top 10 anymore.
23. Kansas City Chiefs (1,541 lbs, 37.8 BMI)
"There’s nothing better than a great meal. I’ll pay anything for an amazing meal," says starting tackle Ryan O'Callaghan when asked about his guilty pleasure.
24. Indianapolis Colts (1,527 lbs, 37.9 BMI)
Not even the almighty Peyton Manning can save these Colts from achieving this terribly disappointing ranking.
25. Buffalo Bills (1,540 lbs, 37.4 BMI)
Disappointingly, the Bills possess no real "Bison" with their largest starter at a minuscule 315 lbs.
26. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (1,547 lbs, 36.5 BMI)
Dotson! We've got (Demar) Dotson here! See nobody cares...
27. Tennessee Titans (1,542 lbs, 36.5 BMI)
Fact: former USC superstar wide receiver and failed early draft entrant Mike Williams arrived at the 2008 Titans' training camp at a whopping 270 lbs. Unfortunately for Mike, the Titans weren't planning on starring him at offensive tackle.
28. Oakland Raiders (1,545 lbs, 36.4 BMI)
Goofy guard Robert Gallery holds strong at 325 lbs, serving as one of the bright spots on a light line.
29. New England Patriots (1,536 lbs, 37.1 BMI)
Paper-thin tackle Sebastian Vollmer has a shockingly low BMI of 34.7, spreading his 315 lbs over his far-reaching 6'8'' frame.
30. Denver Broncos (1,541 lbs, 36.8 BMI)
What are the odds All-World left tackle Ryan Clady is the next to be driven out of this quiet mountain town by the gun-slinging, no-nonsense, sweatshirt brandishing maverick known as Josh McDaniels?
31. Houston Texans (1,516 lbs, 37.4 BMI)
It's sad the best lineman the Texans ever had never played a game for them. Anyways while he's no Tony Boselli, Eric Winston serves as an inspiration for players across the country as he expanded his tight end body into a hefty lineman build during college.
32. Seattle Seahawks (1,526, 37.1 BMI)
Where are your boosters now Pete Carroll? Perhaps his trench-workers should sign up for the "LenDale White Tequila Diet" and balloon up this summer.