Fantasy Football: Poisoned Players

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The dose makes the poison.

—Paracelsus, mad at his bad fantasy football draft.

Bad draft day picks can poison your fantasy football team quicker than signing Albert Haynesworth to a guaranteed contract.

Don't be the dim Danny Snyder of your league.

Don't draft the fading stars, the fat fellows, anyone with a feral female friend, or a longer criminal record than your average Hollywood child star or Cincinnati Bengal.

Don't draft anyone that seems lazy, mad, criminally inclined, or buried in Buffalo.

Or, in the case of Marshawn Lynch, all four of the aforementioned.

Don't draft anyone that drives around at high speeds late at night, loaded with a loaded hand cannon at his side, a stash of drugs on his seat, and an under-aged, inebriated lass on his lap.

Don't draft anyone not named Drew that is coached by anyone named Del Rio.

And remember sweet, slinky supermodels will make the hardest football fool soft as silly putty.

LaDainian Tomlinson

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LT's move to Gotham likely will bring back memories of a not yet murderous OJ Simpson as a San Francisco Forty-Niner. 

Any Buffalo Bill

Speaking of Simpson, if OJ and Thurman Thomas emerged young, strong, and unbloodied from a hot wing time machine, they'd be no help to the Bills because of that bad Buffalo line.

So expect the Buffalo firm of Jackson, Lynch, and Spiller to have a long, sad season.

And the Bills, like the Carolina Panthers, Tampa Bay Buccaneers, Cleveland Browns, and Jacksonville Jaguars, seem ready to take the year off and enjoy a year sans a salary floor.

Terrell Owens

Narcissistic, aging wide outs—like narcissistic, aging generals—don't die. They just fade away.

Matt Forte

Is Forte fading already?

The Bears did nothing to patch up their horrendous hemorrhaging hole of an offensive line and expect Chester Taylor to grab some catches, screens, and draws on a team doomed to a lot of Lovie inspired 3rd-and-longs. 

Jason Campbell

Campbell has a solid shot to be the next Marc Wilson. 

Darren McFadden

McFadden has a solid shot to be the next Eric Ball.

Big Ben Roethlisberger

Expect the mega doses of salt peter to slow randy Roethlisberger down on and off the field.

Jamaal Charles

Charles was a beast against some bad teams at the close of last year's campaign but Thomas Jones will steal some carries from the smaller back.

And ever since Hank Stram sailed away, the Kansas City Chiefs just seem destined for destruction.

Jake Delhomme and Any Browns Pass Catcher

How did this Cajun turnover machine make $20 million in two seasons? As Cleveland native Don King crows, "Only in America."

Hank Baskett

Think Hank's production was bad last year? Just wait till Kendra Meets the Rookies hits the stands for the silly season.

Miles Austin

Ever since Joey Heatheron ripped away from creepy Lance Rentzel celebrity gal pals have been curses for Cowboys.

Jessica Simpson sacked Tony Romo and Kim Kardashian spells distraction for his main man Miles.

And what if he has to fight a duel with Reggie Bush on a New Orleans sandbar?

Michael Vick

The dim dean of dead dogs decided it was a good time to hang out with the bad guys with the big guns yet again.

LenDale White

So how much did that puff of weed cost ye?

Have another burger, buddy, it will do your belly good.

Steve Slaton

It's personal, Bubba—I picked you last year and ye bombed.

And now Ben Tate is in town and your neck is not.

Any Chicago Bear Receiver

Its amazing that a team so old has not had a Pro Bowl-caliber wide out since Harlon Hill gave up soda pop.

Vince Young

Defenses know how to beat him now.

Just flash the dreaded upside-down Longhorn sign and watch the man child rage, roar, and pick up 15 yard unsportsmanlike conduct penalties.

Marshawn Lynch

Lynch has, at long last, decided that a life of petty crime and idiocy will pay better than being an NFL back.

Tom Brady

An aging ball club, millions of dollars banked, bad injuries, and fine Brazilian behind might make anyone want to kick back in the California sun and skip the eight man New York Jet blitz.

Byron Leftwich

A Civil War statue has more mobility than lead-footed Leftwich.

Steven Jackson

Life is nasty, brutal, and short when you're a St. Louis Ram running back.

Green Bay Packer Defense

Jiving with Johnny Jolly spells bad juju.

Any Jacksonville Jaguar Not Named Mo Drew

Jack Del Rio, in a sizzling bid to excite fans, kept the same stale offense and added 18 defensive linemen to the roster.

Any Denver Bronco Not Moniker-ed Moreno

Josh McDaniels' Mile High motto seems to be "Chaos, destruction, and carnage—my work here is soon done."

Donovan McNabb

Andy Reids knows he can eat him up as easy as a six-foot cheesesteak.  

And the AARP Attack at running back ain't going to help matters either.

Dwayne Bowe

Telling tales of road trip whoring and mad cap parties makes a man many friends in the media but not so many on a team.

Who knew the losing Chiefs partied like Led Zeppelin of old on the road?

Actually, unless it's absolutely necessary, one would be wise avoiding picking any professional player that plays in the Show Me State of Missouri.

Tim Tebow

If you pick him the largest person in the room should punch you for general purposes.