Way Too Late USA Preview

Home of the Whataburger Honey BBQ Chicken Strip Sandwich, caring about the trifling lives of a bourgeoisie Armenian-American household, unwavering patriotism (only when your preferred political party is in office) and Drew Brees’ awe-inspiring, screenplay in the works, family manliness; the United States is the greatest country ever assembled (fact, not opinion). Ladies and gentlemen, as Americans it is our option, nay our duty, to support the men representing us this World Cup as they do battle against Euro-trash snobs with working social healthcare, impoverished Africans from countries we cannot locate on a map (nor do we care about locating on useless maps), and Asians, who despite predictions from so called “economists” will never surpass our fiscal superiority and ingenuity. My fellow Americans, that was a run-on sentence, this is Tyler Henry's United States of America 2010 World Cup preview, and this is what we are fighting for (that and the right to end a sentence with a preposition).

Goalkeepers:

Perhaps the most talented player on our roster, Tim Howard perfects his craft on the blue half of Merseyside for Everton FC. Winner of the Golden Glove award for the best goalkeeper at the Confederations Cup, Timmy shut down a Spanish strike force featuring some no name freckled and soul patched losers. As John Harkes during a telecast or Jeremy Schaap during a minute long ESPN puff piece will tell you, Tim Howard also has Tourrette’s syndrome. While Wikipedia claims that his Tourrette’s does not cause him to curse violently, we will need Tim to violently verbally harangue Jonathan Bornstein for his defensive errors if we are to advance in Seth Effrica.

The first backup keeper for the fighting defenders of freedom, Marcus Hahnemann played a crucial role in Wolverhampton’s successful avoidance of relegation in the English Premier League. He is seen here in goal for Wolves and here singing for now defunct nu-metal rockers Disturbed. If somehow Tim Howard goes down with an injury (God have mercy on our souls), I will not be down with the sickness (am I right?) if Bob decides to start Hahnemann. Although he’s played well in spot situations for the Nats during qualifying and against Egypt, I reckon Aston Villa backup Brad Guzan may have dropped to #3 on Todd McShay’s best American goalkeepers available list. I fear Tim Tebow and Josh McDaniels had something to do with this travesty.

Defenders:

Captain Carlos Bocanegra’s name literally means “black mouth” en español. Besides having a name similar to this commie’s favorite club, ‘Los can also play well at either leftback or in a central defensive role. Soccer nerds currently cower in fear after hearing about Bocanegra’s recent hernia surgery. I haven’t feared a potential hernia this much since the doctor told me to turn my head and cough during my physical for 7^th Grade golf.

Also disconcerting for all twelve US Soccer fans in America is the rustiness of defensive stalwart Oguchi Onyewu after tearing his patellar tendon against Costa Rica in October. From all reports Gooch should be fine after training with AC Milan and the full US roster for two months and should shake off some of that iron oxide in the three pre-World Cup friendlies against the Czech Republic, Turkey and Australia.

Our best cross this side of Stu Holden’s faux-hawk (more on that later) comes from the feet of West Ham defender Jonathan Spector. Then InSpector (as I like to call him) played poorly for the Hammers this past season mainly as a leftback, but then again West Ham in general played poorly. After the Turkey friendly, I’m afraid that Spector lost his starting job because of several awful defensive lapses. Competition for his spot at rightback will come from the wily Hannover 96 defender and captain Steve Cherundolo. A veteran of two previous World Cups, Bob Bradley may wish to play the more in form Dolo instead of Spector.

Now we get to discuss every Honduran’s favorite American…Jonathan Bornstein. While his 95^th minute headed goal against Costa Rica incited pure madness in Honduras and a few nerds like me in America, his form for the Yanks has been between terrible and below average. Quite frankly if Johnny B sees the field in South Africa, we all need to pray to any deity or higher being to spare our souls from torture. Also featuring as a reserve central defender will be Clarence Goodson who plays for IK Start in some place called Norway. Apparently this fictional country has a higher per capita GDP than the United States (IMPOSSIBLE) and was the home of some lame fantasy Dungeons and Dragons people called Vikings. We may see Goodson start at centerback, if Coach Scowl feels like Onyewu’s fitness is not suitable for a full 90 minute shift.

Midfielders:

I will preface this section with some quality technical analysis. The USA runs a 4-4-2 empty bucket formation with two attacking wingers and, typically two defensive midfielders. Before you blast me for being a tactical novice, I decided to throw in that tidbit of information. Usually Coach Bob Bradley enjoys absorbing pressure and taking chances on the counter attack. However, if Jose Torres or Stuart Holden start in place of Ricardo Clark, the Yanks will try to play more possession football with the aforementioned technically gifted Holden and Torres.

While calling out perhaps the most famous person in the world for being disloyal to the mighty LA Galaxy may seem like the most swagalicious thing any gangsta can do in the public forum, Landon Donovan swag ratings drop significantly after one comment. (Elapsed second) He publically admitted to listening to Five for Fighting to calm him before big matches. He was 20 for a moment in South Korea, caught in between 20 and 30 during Germany. Now he’s on fire making his way back from Everton. If we are to advance the World Cup it will be on the back, feet and receding hairline of the artist formerly known as Landy Cakes.

Whether his notorious glare will find its way up to a forward position or in a traditional midfield role, we know Clint “Deuce” Dempsey will provide the pivotal goal in Rustenburg against the Limeys. He won the Bronze Ball at the Confederations cup after three clutch goals. Deuce dropped these dope verses with H-Town’s finest before the Cup in 2006. Much like 2Pac releasing albums posthumously, I doubt our ears will be graced with a new set of flows until after the Cup.

In the center of field, Bob’s fire breathing demon son Michael Bradley will surely pick up at least two yellow cards or a straight red. While prone to cards, Old Bradley will ask Baby Bradley to wrestle possession from opponents on defense and provide assistance to the forwards along with his bombing long-range shots. Ricardo Clark and Maurice Edu will probably battle for the final defensive mid role. Clark has featured more for the Yanks lately (including this game clincher against Trinidad), but Mo Edu has played well for Glasgow Rangers this past season. Based purely on who puts on more entertaining tweets, I prefer Edu getting the starting nod over the former Houston Dynamo man Clark.

Off the bench or starting, Stuart Holden will put in a great cross or just crush goals outside the box that will surely break Slovenia’s collective heart. Also I will add +30 points to Stu for sporting a faux-hawk after 2006 and for building his résumé with the Houston Dynamo. Holden still holds Texas in his heart with his continued involvement in Holden’s Heroes, a charity benefiting Texas children with cancer. Holden also can put in a deadly cross and free kick as evidenced by his role in the first goal against the Czech Republic.

Another of my personal favorite Yanks is the Longview, Texas native José Francisco Torres. The Pachuca midfielder nicknamed El Gringo decided to play for America over Mexico in 2008, which of course is the greatest American choice since Washington decided to cross the Delaware. While probably not on the starting XI, Torres will serve as a great offensive option if we need quality passing service down a goal late or someone to hold the ball while protecting a lead. Also of note: Mark “The Shark” Titus perhaps only eclipses Torres’ popularity on the internets and message boards I troll through daily.

Another midfield option, Benny Feilhaber scored this golaso to win the 2007 Gold Cup against Mexico. That alone merits his inclusion in the roster. Unfortunately Benny has the tendency to go completely invisible during the course of a match. This poses problems for an American team that needs quality possession in the midfield. Also you can put money on DaMarcus Beasley seeing the field after making the final roster. Run DMB needs to prove himself again after some dismal performances lately on the international stage. Note: check out the DaMarcus Beasley diamond collection if you’re into that bling-bling. (Isn’t that what the young jive fellows are calling it these days?)

Sadly, after getting the axe from ruthless Bob Bradley we will not see Sacha Kljestan play or more importantly his smokin' hot girlfriend.

Forwards:

The mad tweeting, Hull City one goal striking, Haitian Hammer, Jozy Altidore will hopefully and inevitably win the Golden Boot as the World Cup’s leading scorer this summer. Not only does Jozy score goals, he learned how to hold the ball and draw fouls (and become enraged) during his year long tour of the EPL.

Notably omitted from the roster after coming just short of a full recovery from a horrific car accident in October, Charlie Davies’ speed and glorious stanky leg will be missing in South Africa. Fear not Americans, because we have goal scoring machines in Brian Ching, Eddie Johnson and Robbie Findley as options (sarcasm meter overload). Eddie Johnson once responded to a question about video games with, “I don’t play video games, I’m a grown ass man!” Thankfully, the GAM and his Gucci fetish failed to make it past the Hartford, Connecticut friendly. Ching, who scores prolifically for the Houston Dynamo, does not have the finishing prowess of an international forward, battled a nagging hamstring injury and was ultimately left off of Bob’s final 23-man roster.

Robbie Findley…well he scored a decent goal in the MLS Cup final and that’s about it. However upon his inclusion on the final roster, he decided to show his promise during his second half appearance against Turkey. His pace reminds some of dear Charlie Davies, but he will need to show Davies’ finishing ability to ease the worries of USA fans.

The “Johnny Come Lately” forward position currently sees a battle between Herculez Gomez of Mexican side Puebla and Edson Buddle of the Los Angeles Galaxy. Gomez tied for the goal scoring lead during the Mexican Clausura; the first time an American lead a foreign league in goals. His name is Herculez, he scores goals, and if you were waiting for an obligatory joke about Disney’s Hercules, you are very wrong. That would be easier than a drunk Lindsay Lohan, that and making jokes about drunk Lindsay Lohan being easy. However, here’s a hyperlink to Herculez’s other potential career. Stealing another roster spot, Edson Buddle has scored nine goals thus far in MLS meriting a roster spot in camp. For years Buddle sported some nerdy braces on his grill, and everyone knows you cannot score when you have braces. Once the orthodontics come off, the floodgates open wide and you just can’t not score. Just ask Tyler Henry…oh wait. (That’s a low blow self-deprecating Tyler Henry.)

Unabashedly Biased Predictions:

Our former colonial master will arrive in Rustenburg all haughty and stereotypically English. My head says that we pull out a 1-1 draw with Rooney scoring early and Scotsman Stu Holden sticking it to England late. Hugh Grant will continue to star in terrible rom-coms that my mom and sister enjoy enough to spend 20 bucks on a DVD. My visa application will go through fast as British customs find this blog a clever joke, and the English papers will continue to harass their team for being a bunch of soft nancies. My heart says we win 3-2 with Donovan, Dempsey and Altidore outdoing a two-goal performance from Wayne Rooney and his Nike boots (incredible commercial). Hugh Grant never stars in a rom-com again, my visa still goes through after nitpicking about this blog and the English papers will violently harass their team for being a bunch of soft nancies.

I predict a defensive battle against Charlie Brown lookalikes Slovenia. This should end up as a 1-0 victory for the Yanks with José Torres assisting fellow recently signed Pachuca teammate Herculez Gomez. Despite defeating a superior Russian side in the UEFA playoff, this Slovenia lacks attacking flair. Much like the boring Greeks, they prefer to sit back, defend and try to score on the counter. Bob and his menacing scowl should enjoy being able to establish possession and break down this team’s stellar defense.

Algeria as an opponent scares me. They remind me of a mid-major in March Madness that lives and dies by the three pointer. On a good day, they beat Egypt in a playoff to earn the bid to get to the World Cup Finals, and on their worst days they lose to powerhouse Malawi 3-0 in the African Cup of Nations. I see this one going 3-1 to the Americans with goals from Dempsey, Jozy and a Bocanegra header, but Algeria strikes early to give the Nats an early scare.

Final group stage position: 1^st Place on 9 points. (Realistically 7/6 points and 2^nd place.)

Round of 16 vs. Germany:

Despite my premonitions that this version of Die Mannschaft may not make it out of their group, the Germans finish second in Group D and face the USA in the Round of 16. However the Yanks will not be denied a goal by Torsten Frings’ hand this time. Jozy will head in a goal early from a Stu Holden free kick. The rout will ensue after, Jonathan Bornstein, yeah that Jonathan Bornstein, scorpion kicks a goal past Philip Lahm. After seeing Hondurastein score, the Germany will promptly surrender like they did back in 1945.

Quarterfinals vs. France:

Here’s how I see it going down against the Frogs. My dear cousin Thierry Henry will score an early brace, but the French will promptly resign themselves to fermenting fine wine, practicing the art of surrender, and attempting to claim fried potatoes as their creation. (They are named freedom fries for a reason!) After finishing their courtship of underage prostitutes, Domenech’s boys will have found themselves in a 3-1 deficit thanks to two goals from Jozy and a classic “Oh hay there you are” Clint Dempsey blast. A small percentage of Americans will rejoice upon advancing to the semifinals. France too will rejoice as their population praises the Americans for again liberating them from the shackles of an oppressive tyrant.

Semifinals vs. Netherlands

Sadly I see our trailblazing path to glory ending in the semifinals against the Dutch. Do not weep fans of America for I have the Oranje winning it all. I see Van Persie scoring with a typically clean left-footed finish. Once Bob starts pressing in the second half via his inclusion of Jose Torres, the Dutch will double the score with a cheap goal by Sloth from The Gooni…err Dirk Kuyt. The boys in the blue kits (or white) will pull one back after Landon adds a penalty drawn by Jozy. Sadly it will be too little to late and the Dutch will advance to face Maradona’s streaking army in the final.

Conclusion:

Does my heart think that the boys in red, white and blue (not France) can win the World Cup? Yes. Does my head think we can win it? No, but they will show the heart of Davy Crockett, Forest Gump and all other great Americans before us. If you hail from a foreign land, after reading this article you may have come to the conclusion that America is a land of xenophobia, cancerous pop culture and this kid. Citizens of the world should fear not, because gays, hot chicks, the elderly, African-Americans, Puerto Ricans, Asians and even good ol’ white males have won CBS’s longest running reality show Survivor. Then again, this is America and we don’t care about your feelings.

Thank you and God Bless America.

LSU student Tyler Henry has written many a bland history paper in his time and has occasionally tried to blog. If any of this is offensive, he apologizes but does not apologize for being a red-blooded American patriot. He may not have been born on the 4^th of July, but like some of our slave owning (and loving) forefathers (and Barry White), he believes that he will die on Independence Day after making a career out of writing soccer columns and winning Survivor.