LeBron James Announces Retirement To Become Master Gardener (SATIRE)

SATIRE- Two-time NBA MVP an global basketball icon LeBron James shocked the nation Saturday afternoon in a press conference in Cleveland. With many questioning why he was holding a press conference with no major announcements to be made, James quickly ended any ideas by announcing his retirement.

"I'm retiring," James abruptly told the media, those being the first words he announced.

The announcement sent the sports world into immediate amazement.

"How could he retire at the top of his game? It's like King Kong retiring at the top of the Empire State Building. Like Martha Stewart right before she went to prison," said a disgruntled Cavs fan.

James's retirement may be the most unexpected in sports history. One of sports most recognized figures going out while at the pinnacle of the league and without a championship. What is even more amazing is that he did this about a month before free agency opens up, where he is guaranteed huge money.

On top of this, James said that he plans on becoming a "master gardener."

"I figured I'd do gardening because it's the closest thing to playing in the (Madison Square) Garden itself. So I'll be playing in a garden either way. Isn't it great?"

If that's what you want us to think, LeBron, then it's great.

He announced that he plans to take a class ("my first class since high school") on gardening to learn all the tricks and trades of the recreation. In essence, he plans to become a "master gardener."

Rumors were that James had narrowed his preferred destinations down to Chicago, New York, and New Jersey. But he now will be in a garden in Akron.

Did he retire as a result of the pressure? Did he lose his love of the game? Injury? These questions are consuming sports writers and fans alike.

In seven seasons with Cleveland, James averaged 27.8 ppg, 7 apg, 7 rpg, .9 blocks/game, and shot 47.5 percent from the field. He won two MVP awards, but was criticized for his play in the playoffs. An NBA title eluded James.

As for a nickname, James said he won't have any problems. Known as "The Chosen One" in the NBA, LeBron told media that he wanted to be called "The Chosen Petunia."

Whatever you say, LeBron.