3 Worst National Sports Talk Radio Shows (Part 1)

#3 Dan Patrick.  I get the sense Dan Patrick fancies himself the thinking man’s sports talk radio host.  While he may be right, this is somewhat akin to being the classiest truck stop whore in Bakersfield.  Though Patrick is savvy enough to understand he doesn’t have the personality to pull off the show by himself, he’s too cheap or too insecure to work with a credible co-host. 

Instead, he shares the mic with a crew of 30-something glorified interns (termed “Producers”) whose most critical function, apparently, is to make their meal ticket feel young and important.  Some or all of these flunkies have nicknames ending in ‘y’ (Pauly, Fritzy, Corky, Sparky… something like that) and they try to say “dude” and “buddy” a lot. 

The show follows what is regrettably becoming the dominant model of sports talk radio: guy talk.  Our radio bros talk about girls and drinking beer and movies.  Occasionally during commercial breaks they play video games and shoot hoops in their “man-cave,” then convey all the captivating details to their audience. 

Sometimes they discuss their wives or kids or medical problems.  Hey, we can all identify with that, right dudes?  If Patrick hatches some presumed comedy (a recurring theme seems to be referencing imagined romantic sessions with Brooklyn Decker) the minions violently guffaw into their mics, alerting the audience that humor has occurred in case it wasn’t initially clear.

Patrick knows his sports and, unlike the other two hosts on my list, is usually capable of a competent interview. But to get to the good stuff the listener must wade through the afterbirth of inane poll questions, an unbearable amount of references to “the mothership” (ESPN, Patrick’s former employer), callers stating their height and weight in anticipation of a *ding* (shtick Patrick has done for over a decade), endless stories about “Sandman” (Patrick’s coolest BFF, Adam Sandler) and contrived flunky bickering among other predictable filler. 

Ultimately, the main problem with Patrick―assuming you can get past the smugness, self-absorption and creepy, tricycle seat sniffer voice―is that he mails in too much of the show.  Segments like “What We Learned Today” and “Poll Results,” coupled with a steady diet of “who would you rather…” scenarios, betray a disinterested burnout more interested in milking his reputation and collecting a paycheck than doing his job well.