One Week After NFL Draft, Mel Kiper Seen Muttering, Wandering NYC

Exactly one week after the end of the three-day NFL Draft extravaganza at Radio City Music Hall, ESPN draft expert Mel Kiper has been spotted around the city displaying erratic behavior.

Several witnesses have reported seeing Kiper wander around the city, shoeless and clad in pajama bottoms and an ESPN Zone leather jacket--and hearing him make bizarre comments.

“He came to my booth at the Union Square farmer’s market last Sunday,” said Mike Nardello, of Green City Produce. “He looked tired and smelled like a whiskey barrel but give him credit, not a hair was out of place. He bought two orangic green beans and asked me repeatedly how the hell could Buffalo take Spiller at nine.

“Waiting for the bus Monday morning, he walked up to me and asked what my vertical was,?” said Hal Vincent, advertising executive. “I was a little freaked out at first but I put it together when I saw the ESPN jacket.”

It’s been common knowledge that in years past, Kiper has taken the end of the draft very hard. He has been known to go missing for weeks on end after a draft, especially one as deep as this year’s.

“Mel really loves those third and fourth round value picks,” remarked ESPN colleague, Trey Wingo. “I heard after the (historically strong) 1999 draft he was found drunk in a ditch outside of St. Petersburg–in Russia.

“The policemen who pulled him out his totaled rental car said he was still debating the merits of Akili Smith versus Tim Couch,” Wingo finished up. “His legend just grows and grows.”

But not everyone at ESPN is a fan of the fanatical Kiper.

On-air rival and heir apparent draft expert Todd McShay, has few of words of support for the man who paved the way for guys with no experience in anything but reading the sports section to be referred to as "draft experts."

“No, I don’t feel bad for him,” McShay said. “His support of Jimmy Clausen this year and Matthew Stafford last year was ridiculous and spiteful. Anybody who likes those two stiffs deserves to get thrown out of a bus station at 1 a.m. on a Sunday night,” continued McShay, referring to a rumored police confrontation Kiper had at New York’s Port Authority Station.

“Look, all I can tell you is what I know. Last year at the (NFL Draft) wrap party he threw an empty bottle of Makers Mark at me and called me an overpaid intern,” McShay remembered. “As far as I’m concerned there’s one too many draft experts at this network anyway.”

Putting McShay’s harsh words aside, accepting the end of the draft has always been hard for Kiper.

His long-suffering wife of twenty-plus years, Kim sees the strain.

“He put in a lot of hours in front of the TV and computer and it’s very hard for him to stop evaluating talent,” she commented.

“One year he fired the kid who cuts our grass because he thought his ‘hips were too tight’ going from cutting line to cutting line.

“In fact,” Mrs. Kiper reminisced with a smile, “that’s how we met. Mel was buying some bubble wrap at the Mailboxes, etc. I was working at and when I was checking him out he said he really liked my ‘decision making process’ and thought I had a ‘high ceiling.'

“We’ve been together ever since.”

Coping with the offseason has always been a problem for athletes, as arrests and incident reports always seems to skyrocket with free-time. And it seems now, that the people who analyze them are struggling to the manage the problem as well.

“Yes, he got in my cab the other day and told me to take him to JaMarcus Russell Center,” said cab driver Muhammed Mustafa when shown Kiper’s typically intense headshot.

“I told him no such place exists but he was too busy screaming at someone called ‘Mort’ on his cellphone,” Mustafa said.  “I just took him to the ESPN Zone and he seemed fine with that. Very odd man.”