Hockey Books That Would Just Never Sell

Greg CaggianoSenior Writer IJuly 14, 2008

EDIT: View Part Two Here!

Before I begin, let me tell you that on many hockey forums there is a great tradition of coming up with the titles of books that hockey players should write but that may not become bestsellers.

I've created some of these on my own, but let me say right now that I'm not going to take credit for them all because it would be a slap in the face to the fans that took the time to create the others.

But since the authors' names are unknown, who gets the credit?

As I said, many of these are from different message boards where the author's name is hidden by a crafty username, therefore the credit must go simply to the die-hard hockey fan. Wherever you are, whoever you are, these are for you!

Hockey books that would just never sell...

Professionalism and the Work Place by Kevin Lowe and Brian Burke

NHL Players: Inside and Out by Elisha Cuthbert

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Empty Net Breakaways for Dummies by Patrik Stefan

Giving Hits, Taking Hits, and Ordering Hits by Mike Danton

The Art of Graceful Skating by Phil Esposito

Keeping the Bench Nice and Cozy Warm by Scott Clemmensen

Having a Personality by Chris Drury

How to Win Friends and Influence People by Sean Avery

How to Drive by Dany Heatley

Trusting Your Goaltender by Mike Keenan

Family Values by Martin Brodeur

Heads up Hockey by Eric Lindros

Putting Your Left Foot Forward by Evgeni Malkin

Prospect Management by Mike Milbury

Making the Right Call by Mick Mcgeough

Marketing 101 by the New Jersey Devils Organization

The Holy Bible by Miroslav Satan

Best Bars in Nagano by the United States Olympic Team

Seven Habits of Effective Goaltending by Dan Cloutier

Body Checking 101 by Marek Malik

Picking the Perfect Babysitter by Doug Gilmour

The Fundamentals of Baseball by Chris Simon

1-2-3 Concussion Free! by the Philadelphia Flyers Training Staff

A Complete History of the Turtleneck Sweater by Alexei Yashin

Putting Your Nuts on the Line by Patrick Thoreson

How to Celebrate a First Round Victory by the Montreal Canadiens' Fan Base

How to Be a Team Player by Ray Emery

To Kill a Mocking Fan by Mike Millbury

How to Grow a Playoff Beard by Sidney Crosby

How to Look Older Than 12 by Daniel Briere

Eight Minute Abs by Keith Tkachuk

Pinching and You: The Offensive D-Man by Sandis Ozolinsh

Sobriety and You by Kevin Stevens and Theo Fleury

The Stanley Cup by the City of Buffalo, NY

How I Won a Cup with Colorado and Got Traded to Calgary by Chris Drury and Alex Tanguay

Number One Draft Picks Always Pay Off by Alexander Daigle

I'm Too Old for This Shit by Lester Patrick

How to Look Beautiful by Mike Ricci

How to Build a Highly Respectable Franchise by Charles Wang

Diversity and the Workplace by Marty McSorley

Out on the Town: How to Properly Whine and Dine by Sidney Crosby

Carpal Tunnel: Knowing When to Say When by Alan Bass

Without a Trace: Playoff Scoring by Mike Gartner

Knowing When to Quit: When Enough Is Enough by Chris Chelios and Mark Recchi

Where the Hell Am I? by R.J Umberger

Locking Them Up Forever: How to Effectively Issue a No-Trade Clause by John Ferguson, Sr.

Aim High by Chris Simon

How to Stick Up for Teammates by Todd Bertuzzi

Goalie Positioning by Clint Malarchuk

Safe Gambling by Janet Gretzky and Rick Tocchet

Best Friends Forever by Dany Heatley

How to Properly Wear a Seat Belt by Dan Snyder

Porsche 930 Turbo: A High Performance Vehicle by Pelle Lindbergh

General Managing for Dummies by Garth Snow

Oversensitivity by Mark Messier

Keeping Your Cool by Patrick Roy and Son

Stickhandling for Success by Ryan Hollweg

Not Welcome by Alexei Yashin

Shooting the Puck by the New York Rangers Powerplay Unit

Helmets: Who Needs 'em? by Pat LaFontaine

Easy Money by Rick Tocchet

Eye on the Prize by Bryan Berard

Smart Hockey Is Winning Hockey by Bobby Clarke

How to Build a Winning Franchise by the Toronto Maple Leafs Organization

My Day with the Stanley Cup by the Philadelphia Flyers Organization

When to Stop Drinking by the Staal Brothers

How to Play Hockey and Collect Social Security by Chris Chelios

The Art of the Tracheotomy by Richard Zednik

How to Lose with Dignity by Evgeni Malkin

A Step by Step Guide to Winning a Fight by Todd Fedoruk

Ignoring Fans from the Penalty Box by Tie Domi

What Puck? Where?: A History of My Life in Hockey by Mike Dunham

Keeping the Puck inside the Rink by Espen Knutsen

English for Dummies by Darius Kasparaitis

How to Cope with the Fear of Scott Stevens by Eric Lindros

No! It Doesn't Run in the Family by Marcel Hossa

101 Donut Recipes by Jim Schoenfeld

Well, there you have it, the best titles of books that should be written by hockey players but that just may not fly off the shelves. But who knows? In this world, maybe they would.

I hope you enjoyed them and I'm sure you have some of your own which you'd like to add. Please feel free to add them in the comments!

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