Team Finland Wins Aunt Jemima For Performance Versus U.S.!

The Time -- the day after the last game of the Stanley Cup playoffs this year, sometime in August. 

The Place -- the Hockey Hall of Fame in Toronto. 

[Zoom in on a face we have all seen in nightmare after nightmare over the years... No. Not Freddy Kruger. Someone much, much scarier…]

And now, to present the Team Award in the category Flattest Performance of All Time in an Important Series or Big Game, please welcome Hockey Night in Canada's Ron MacLean and Don Cherry. (Pan back to thunderous applause as the boys take the stage.)

DC:  Thanks very much, Gary. Hey folks, how about a nice round of applause for the President? (the sound of one hand clapping)

DC:  Beauty.

RM:  Thanks, Don. And the nominees are:

First -- and this is almost a lifetime achievement award, really -- the San Jose Sharks, for last year's edition of their long-running production They Don't Actually Pay Me Any Extra for the Playoffs, So Why Should I Show Up?

DC:  Beauty. They are such consistent performers.

RM:  Second, the Ottawa Senators, for their performance as a Yukon Midget "B" team in games 2, 3 and 4 of the 2003 Conference Final against the New Jersey Devils.

DC:  I would have nominated them for all those Leafs series as well, Ron.

RM:  Third, the Montreal Canadiens, for their powerfully convincing impersonation of the National Ballet of Canada in last year's playoffs against the Boston Bruins.

DC:  You know I love my Bruins almost as much as I love my Leafs, Ron.

RM:  Fourth -- and I don't think any of us expected this one -- Team Russia, for the brilliantly conceived and executed Somnambulists on Ice, which made its debut in the quarterfinal round of the 2010 Olympics.

DC:  With Canada's help, Ron, with Canada's help!! Don't forget that!!

RM:  No argument there, Don.

DC:  I gotta tell 'ya, if I were in charge over there, they'd be doing a Siberian Road Trip for that one, if you know what I mean, Ron.

RM:  And finally, Don -- and I think you and I agree that this one has to be the favourite -- Team Finland, for the utterly compelling hostage drama Keyser Soze Will Kill Our Wives and Children If We Ever Even Come Close to Being In This Game.

DC:  You know Ron, I don't think I've ever seen anything that choked me up as much as watching Mikka Kiprusoff play the goalie who had to find a way to get the U.S. to score in the first 2 minutes of the game, or have his great-grandmother thrown into a tank of ravenous piranha. I mean, to try so hard, and then miss the deadline by just 4 seconds…

RM:  Choked up is certainly the right phrase there, Don. May I have the envelope, please?

And the winner is...  Team Finland!!! Accepting the Aunt Jemima Memorial Trophy…

DC:  Beauty...

RM:  Thanks, Don.

Accepting the Aunt Jemima Memorial Trophy for team Finland is Saara Tuominen, Captain of the Finnish women's team. As you may recall, at the request of the Finnish President, the IOC was asked if the Finnish women could fill in for their granddads in the bronze medal game against the Slovaks.

DC:  Didn't somebody make some wisecrack about that request and her being a women, or something like that?

RM:  You might be thinking of IOC Chair Jacques Rogge, Don, who was asked if he thought the fact that the Finnish President was a woman had anything to do with the IOC's unanimous vote in favour of the request, and said that the IOC would have agreed to substitute the Finnish Paralympics team rather than see the men's team play like that again.

DC:  Beauty.

RM:  Thanks, Don.