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VAN 2010: Soul of Whistler Sliding Centre Speaks out on Luge Fatality

Jo-Ryan SalazarSenior Analyst IFebruary 14, 2010

The Soul of the Whistler Sliding Centre spoke out on early Saturday morning regarding the death of Georgian luger Nodar Kumaritashvili at an impromptu press conference.

"I first want to express my apologies for the mess that happened before the opening ceremony," said the Soul.  "However, I wanted to make it clear that I have a preference: I want a Canadian to win the men's luge singles.  I have zero tolerance for Georgian prima-donnas who have no business being here in a small town like this.  I kid you not.

"I will say this: at least the young man had fun while it lasted.  But when you can't handle your apparatus when practicing, my patience runs thin.  No offense to Nodar, but I simply did not feel he was worthy of standing a chance at these Games, so I had to collaborate with the Grim Reaper to get him out of here.  Hence, what you mortals call 'a tragedy to begin the Games,' albeit you press minions are writing a technical misnomer.

"To the people of Georgia, I extend my apologies and condolences for what happened yesterday.  You can be assured that he is on the 'Midnight Plane to Georgia' as we speak.  May I also add that, to be frank, you should be happy I gave you any publicity whatsoever with this because it's not like you're going to get any medals to begin with at these Games, so enjoy this while you can, fools!"

When asked on the Opening Ceremony, the Soul said, "I want to give my personal props to the fourth column of the cauldron that didn't rise up and decided to sit down instead.  He rocks.  I want his metal so bad.  He doesn't need these Games, and neither do I.  But what can you do?

"Oh yes, I wanted to add one more thing. God bless Harriet Nahanee and her ski-mask wearing, fist raising, marginalized, substance-abusing at-risk apostles of the Native Warrior Society.  If I were the Pope, I'd have all of you shut-ins canonized.  I will not take any more questions.  If I am asked any more, your countrymen and countrywomen will be next to slide to their death, based on your national origin.  I bid you good day, and urge caution to the Olympians these next two weeks."

Kumaritashvili collided into a concrete pillar on a practice run on Friday morning and died at the scene.  He becomes the fifth Olympian to die in the history of the modern Olympic Games.  The luge men's singles event has been delayed in light of this accident, but will take place Saturday evening.

The Soul of the Fourth Cauldron Pillar that did not rose was unavailable for comment, but did leave a simple written statement saying, "Serves you right for insulting Slidey, hot stuff. Gig 'em, Russia. Besides, Catriona [Le May Doan, the would-be lighter] is a [expletive]-headed [expletive]. She doesn't me on, so why the [expletive] I want her to light me up? I'd rather have the jiggaloos from the falling leaves sequence do it instead!"

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