What Can An American Make Of Soccer?

I hadn't watched any soccer since the World Cup two summers ago (or was it three?). I did enjoy watching the action except for the whole getting up at five in the morning to watch the US lose game after game.

So, I decided to adopt another team once the real teams moved on. I picked Portugal due to their star player Cristiano Ronaldo. I liked his footwork, his flashy style, and heck, Portugal is a pretty sweet looking country, at least in photos from the National Geographic.

They made a great run only to lose to the team I despised: France.

Why France? I was steamed. France won on a penalty kick in the first half from some bald headed French guy bearing a strange resemblance to Voldemort, and whose name I will not speak.

Even with my limited soccer knowledge I felt the call that gave the French the penalty kick was questionable. I was crushed, but that bald headed guy screwed up later on a bigger stage.

In the final the French lost to Italy, but the real story was that "Voldemort" lost his cool as his mother was insulted by the Italians, and all he could think of doing in retaliation was headbutting a guy. I mean, come on—way to disgrace your country, sport, and mother!

After that game, I forgot about soccer.

I can't watch the MLS because it only reminds me that DC United has been more successful than my beloved Skins the past decade. But, along came the European Championships this summer.

At first I was somewhat disinterested, but I tuned in to a game last week, and suddenly I remembered how I much I enjoyed soccer. The fans were very into the game. The players were passionate and emotions were high. What was there not to like?

Then a player fell over.

He just fell.

Sprinting next to a defender one moment and then just falls over. Suddenly I remembered my one issue. The players take the most ridiculous dives ever. Worse yet the officials buy into them.

The players grovel on the ground for a few minutes until someone brings out a stretcher. Five minutes later Paul Pierce, whoops sorry no it was some guy with a European name I won't even try to spell, comes back into the game as if nothing had happened.

It puzzles me as to why they do this. I know they want to win and so they do it occasionally to stop runs up the field by opposing teams.

Italy did it three times last week against Spain, but come on find a more manly way. I know the physical demands of soccer are high, but please if you want to rest don't fall over and grovel. Just wait until play moves away from you.

In all honesty, I do enjoy soccer, but I just don't appreciate the lack of testosterone. I know that our guys are huge and on steroids, and that probably makes a difference, but you skinny little guys out there are still men. So do mankind a favor and stop diving.

However, soccer is a great game, and I congratulate Spain for really handing it to Germany today. They should have won at least 3-0, and Germany never really had much a shot.

This was a very successful European Championships and I will be looking forward to the World Cup in two years (or is it three?).