A Lighter Look At The Summer Transfer Market

With the summer transfer market in full flow, made only more significant by the happenings of Euro 2008, I decided to take a "lighter look" at the transfers that may take place this summer.

DISCLAIMER: I stress that these transfers may take place (not will), and I will not be held responsible for any money lost while placing bets on the following predictions. However, any money won, I expect a 40% fee.

An unexpected first move is made by Zenit St. Petersburg. Acknowledging the fact that Andrei Arshavin will soon be leaving, the Russian league champions make a swoop for Cristiano Ronaldo, landing the winger for £250 million. 

A statement released by club sponsor’s Gazprom states, "We just couldn't help ourselves, we make that much profit in a day, it was too tempting not too.  Thanks Georgia!"

Following Zenit's purchase, Manchester United officially becomes the first ever European club to be out of debt. Alex Ferguson goes money crazy and spends £100 million on Ronaldinho to piss off local rivals Man City. In the dying hours of August 31st, Ferguson re-signs David Beckham for £75 million "just for shits and giggles" (at least this is what the journalist thinks he said). 

The club is in debt again, and finishes 14th in the league.

Having been replaced at Zenit, Andrei Arshavin is wooed by fellow Russian Roman Abramovich into a move to Chelsea. Earning £75,000 a week, he becomes best buddies with Steve Sidwell on the bench, effectively ending his career. He is sold at a knock-off price the following summer to newly promoted Derby.

Feeling a little left out of the action, José Mourinho and his new side Inter Milan, announce the signing of Frank Lampard from Chelsea for an estimated £30 million. 

Two days later, Italian press photograph John Terry in Milan with a lost look on his face. He tells reporters, "I'm trying to find Frank, I don't know what to do without him. The new Portuguese man is mean to me in training."

After being informed that "Big Phil" is actually Brazilian, Terry is too embarrassed to return home and signs for Inter on a free.

Losing out in the race to sign Ronaldo, Real Madrid president Ramón Calderón decides to follow the route of his predecessors. Calderón is quoted as saying, "Some of the best signings this club has ever made were those of Steve McManaman, Michael Owen, and of course David Beckham." 

"For this reason, I have no doubt that new signing David Bentley will take our club to the next level." Following the announcement, Raúl is pictured leaving the Bernabéu in tears.

Barcelona and new coach Josep Guardiola set about rebuilding the team, and say goodbye to Deco, Samuel Eto'o, Ronaldinho, Thierry Henry, and many others. 

Guardiola's inexperience in management, though, catches him out, as he inadvertently fails to sign any new players, leaving Barcelona unable to field a starting eleven. Despite this setback, Barcleona finish second in the league thanks to a record season from Lionel Messi—scoring 53 goals in all competitions.

It is reported that in the days following the make-up of Liverpool co-owners Tom Hicks and George Gillett, the two are spotted leaving a pub in downtown Liverpool in the early hours of the morning.

One eyewitness told reporters, "They were absolutely trollied. It reminded me of the last time Joey Barton was in town." 

The following morning Liverpool announces the signing of the entire starting eleven USA national team. 

Reporters track down Gillett for a statement and find him in the local hospital, recovering from a head wound. When asked for a statement on the signings, Gillett responds "I don't remember anything that happened last night.  Hicks tells me this (points to head) is from a keg stand. 

"Apparently some scouser in a blue shirt shouting 'you dirty red' shoved me while I was upside down." 

Rafa Benitez was not available for comment, and unconfirmed reports claim he was seen speeding down the M6 with Pepe Reina and Fernando Torres in the back seat of his car.

*Everything in this article is completely FICTIONAL, and very unlikely to ever happen, unfortunately.