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How To Shoot a Jump Shot

Eric MContributor IDecember 31, 2009

Don’t practice.  Bend your knees violently and sporadically.  Be off-balance. Un-tuck your elbows.  Don’t warm up.

Wear a headband.  Wear a sleeveless shirt, preferably with a number on the back.  Shout phrases that you imagine good shooters would shout.

Freeball.

Shoot at every occasion in games.  Jump as high as possible, regardless of the situation. Take irregular angles to the basket.  Tangle your feet.  Fall awkwardly.

Hydrate sparingly.  Ingest large quantities of salt.  Don’t stretch.  Take beef jerky breaks regularly.

Call fouls.  Make exaggerated grimaces and grunts after every action.  Hold the ball a few feet behind the three-point arc and point to random places on the court where you want your teammates to go. Pump fake excessively.  Demand picks.  Double clutch for effect.

Invest in expensive sneakers.  Wear mesh shorts in inappropriate situations, like first dates, business meetings, and funerals.  Shout phrases that you imagine good shooters would shout in these situations.

Factor in the wind.

Complain about the rims.  Explain that the hole in the net is from all your swishes.  Say the word swish, regardless of whether a shot swishes or not.

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Collect NBA jerseys.  Customize these Jerseys by adding your last name and favorite number.  Add a hyphen and the letter O to the end of your last name.

Against good defenders, take hook shots with greater frequency.  Take running hook shots.  Only dribble with one hand. Only shoot with one hand.  Spin, when possible.

Reference your past accomplishments early and often.  Tell someone about that time they should have been there. Sit uncomfortably close to teammates on the bench and ask to drink their Gatorade.  Backwash.

Don’t pass.

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