The Real Winner In Nashville On Sunday

On Sunday afternoon, the Miami Dolphins visited Nashville to face the Tennessee Titans, each team having playoff aspirations but with realistically slim chances at making it as wildcard participants. And despite an impressive Dolphins comeback coming up short in overtime, as Tennessee kicker Rob Bironas booted a 46-yard field goal to lift the Titans to a 27-24 — there was another winner in Nashville.

The mustache.

As I’ve discussed before on the old “Merv Griffin Show,” as well as in a 1998 episode of Cinemax’s “Late Night Confessions With Busty Brown,” in early 1982, NFL Commissioner Pete Rozelle was facing a crisis and came to the American Mustache Institute for counsel and support.

There was a widespread American backlash against people of Mustached American decent beginning in 1980. It was apparent in the U.S. business community with its lack of Mustached American CEOs, and there were no NFL head coaches wearing lower nose gardens during the ‘81 campaign.

Being a progressive, Rozelle knew the Mustached American community was at a tipping point. He asked AMI founder Dr. Schnurrbart Snor and AMI research director Dr. Daniel Callahan to help the league develop a hiring program — much like the NFL’s “Rooney Rule” for African-American candidates — to ensure that Mustached Americans were getting a fair shot at head coaching jobs.

It was a secretive effort which is why the “public” story goes that in 1982, Chicago Bears founder George Halas personally sought out Mike Ditka to take over the head coaching reins. In reality, Halas wanted little to do with Ditka or any other Mustached American coach. But under “The Callahan Clause” — as it has become known among NFL executives — Ditka was thrust upon Halas and the rest is history.

Flash-forward to the Dolphins vs. Titans game on a dreary Nashville Sunday. Tony Sparano manning the sidelines for Miami and Jeff Fisher for Tennessee. And aside from each having defensive pedigrees, what was most similar, and of course — awfully striking — about each head coach was the accoutrements gracing their upper lips.

“Our efforts with Commissioner Rozelle ensured that those with labia sebuculas (Latin for “lip sweaters”) would have a fair shake,” recalled Dr. Callahan. “And seeing guys like Fisher and Sparano literally brings a tear to my eyes. Even my glass eye.”

A tear indeed, and God willing, one or both of these fine coaches and mustaches will patrol the sidelines during this year’s playoffs.

Carry on.

---

Subscribe (for free!!) to our weekly sports podcast, deemed "incredible" by two out of three of our moms.

© JoeSportsFan.com, 2009. | Permalink | Tweet This