Open Mic : Redefining the Toughness in Sports

In the sporting world, physical toughness is usually measured in how much of a pounding you can dish out or take.  Some would say hockey players are the roughest and toughest in all the land.  Others contend Futbol, or Soccer is where it’s at. 

Still others contend the beating taken in American Football is as tough as it get.

There is however a rare toughness that requires physical strength, mental strength, and the ability to hold-your-urine skills as it relates to sports. That my friends is the art of competing while drinking, and in that world, the combining of physical stamina with a thirst for beer, hockey and soccer do not even appear on the toughness list. 

Some might say the sport you are participating in was actually a by-product created just to enhance the drinking experience.  I might even agree that is true, depending on how many beers I’ve had and what sport I’m participating in.  From No. 5 to No. 1, here are the top sports most likely invented somewhere around the 14th beer and the toughest of the tough.

No. 5 Golf—Tiger Woods is lauded as being an incredibly highly-tuned athlete, but you throw a twelve pack in the back of his cart, and I bet he sucks at golf just like the rest of us.  The real art of being a good golfer is keeping the ball on the fairway even as the beer cart drives by during your back swing. 

That is a finely tuned machine.  Robin Williams even offered proof golf was invented during a Scottish drink-fest.

No. 4 Fishing—Drinking a ton of beer and not throwing up is, in and of itself, somewhat of a sport.  Factor in a steering wheel, a throttle, and waves, and the art of catching a swordfish becomes enormously difficult. 

Many call this sportsmanship, ergo giving the fish more of a sporting chance.  Weather, as in many drinking related sports, is also a huge factor.  In no other sport can you get sun burnt worse than fishing, except maybe nude fishing, which adds another element of danger when you put the worm on your hook.

No. 3 Bowling—While bowling does not have the “mother nature” aspect of some of the other sports on this list, bowling does require the participant to wear God- awful multi-colored shoes and it is roughly a twelve foot walk away from your beer to be able to actually participate. 

Throw in a floor with some sort of greasy substance all over it, and the possibility of damaging your beer-drinking hand, and many would put bowling at the top of the physically demanding list.  I think it comes in at number three.

No. 2 Darts—Most people would declare mixing alcohol with the fine art of throwing sharp objects absolutely insane. Many non-participating observers may or may not be paying attention while consuming chilly beverages of their own which is why darts hit a bulls-eye at No. 2 on the physically demanding while drunk list. 

The strangest thing about darts is—the more you drink, the better you get, making it a favorite amongst the true beer-drinking/sports playing athletes.

No. 1 Cow Tipping—Unlike all of the other sports listed above, you can’t even do cow tipping unless you’ve already over-extended yourself during the beer drinking phase.  All the other sports can occur just after or simultaneously with the first cracking of the beer, but not cow tipping. 

Once again a sport affected by mother nature, cow tipping adds in the element of stealth.  It takes extreme discipline not to laugh during the act of cow tipping.  Great bursts of speed are also required to pull off a successful cow tip. 

If you tip a cow and it catches up to you and stomps you, it would be similar to landing on your back after a quadruple flip inverted cannon ball from the high dive at the local pool.  You’d just end up scoring low on the judges’ card.