Open Mic: Welcome to the First-Ever Mock Soccer Draft

If you're one of the millions of soccer fans keeping close tabs on the Euro 2008 tournament, I immediately know two things about you.

1) You are unemployed or work at night, given the games are all played in the early afternoon.

2) You've noticed how every European country looks better on the pitch than our beloved United States. 

Even against an outmatched side like the Bahamas, the U.S. plays clumsy, sloppy soccer.  When compared side-by-side with European or South American teams, it's clear that we'd better win a gold medal in basketball just to get back some bragging rights. 

American soccer players, however, are not without their talents.  Athletically, I'd wager that Landon Donovan and Freddie Adu are equally as gifted as Cristiano Ronaldo and Thierry Henry.  So the argument that more top-tier athletes choosing soccer would improve our chances at the World Cup seems to miss the point.

Americans need to be bred into soccer.  Players are created, not overnight, but over a lifetime (or at least a childhood). 

Tiger Woods is the greatest golfer in the world, because he was engineered by his father.  A similar upbringing for Kobe Bryant and Ken Griffey Jr. has led to their success. 

The U.S. is not equipped to create a soccer star.  The children's leagues do not push them hard enough, and there are not enough knowledgeable coaches. 

For the Americans to become a powerhouse in soccer, a revolution must occur in rec leagues across the country.  This seems unlikely. 

However, for the U.S. to win a World Cup, it takes only one fluke team—a handful of players of similar ages who just happened to take to soccer.

For that, perhaps drafting the elite athletes from other venues could apply. 

So now that the grown-up in me has had his say, the kid in me would like to welcome you to the first-ever mock soccer draft!

Ineligible for tonight's draft are football's kickers and punters.  Those guys are just soccer players hiding out in another sport.  Also, Steve Nash cannot participate, because it's well known he experienced a soccer-friendly upbringing.  Others who are clearly soccer literate will be left out of the festivities as well. 

Now let us proceed in reverse order. Here are the 10 world-class athletes from any era most helpful on a soccer pitch.

10) Joey Gathright: Kansas City Royals OF, 5-10, 185

Not exactly starting out with a bang, but I bet you didn't expect to see his name on the list.  Joey is compact and quick, but there's really only one reason he's here- he can jump over a car.

Look him up on YouTube and prepare to be impressed.  I'm not talking Kobe Bryant over a car; I'm talking really over a car.  He may not be the only one who can do it, but he's the only one I've seen.  In my book, if you can clear a car, you can clear a defender on the way to winning a header.

9) Kevin Garnett: Boston Celtics PF, 6-11, 220

If you saw Game Six of the NBA Finals and the great moment in post-game interview history following it, you know what KG brings to the table.  Soccer needs intense competitors and Garnett is that and more.

You couldn't win a ball over him, and if you foul him, prepare to get a face full of peanut butter and jelly breath as he screams obscenities.  KG on the soccer field: anything is possible!

8) Ed Reed: Baltimore Ravens FS, 5-11, 200

Speaking of fierce competitors, put him at center back and wait for the bones to break.  He could control the middle of the pitch better than anyone, plus he might be able apply his ball-hawking skills to soccer.

After apprenticing under Ray Lewis, no doubt he can motivate.  Red cards would almost definitely be an issue.

7) Roger Federer: Tennis, 6-1, 195.

The world's No. 1 tennis player dominates on grass.  What surface do they play soccer on?  Unless you're in a screwy American stadium, the answer is grass. 

Federer seems to know it better than anyone, so come on Switzerland, give your country's most recognizable athlete (sorry, Michael Schumacher) a chance to expand his horizons.

6) LeBron James: Cleveland Cavaliers SF, 6-8, 250.

No mock draft would be complete without King James.  He's big enough to win balls out of the air, and fast enough to outrun most in space.  He can also out-muscle you. 

Since I've never seen him control a ball with his feet, he may be more suited for goal.  A keeper with hands that size and amazing leaping ability should be a natural fit for any squad. 

5) Jim Brown: Cleveland Browns RB, 6-2, 232

Much like LeBron, Brown is just an incredible athlete who should be able to do it all.  He excelled at lacrosse at Syracuse, so the aptitude for different sports is there.  He's fast, strong and tough. 

His work with inner-city gangs should have him prepared to finally stop the feuding between Manchester United fans and everyone else.

4) Bill Russell: Boston Celtics C, 6-10, 220

Turn back the clock again and find yourself a big striker who can really anticipate where the ball is going.  Plus, he knows a little something about winning.  He's just what an inexperienced, underachieving American side needs.

3) Barry Sanders: Detroit Lions RB, 5-8, 200

This should be a no-brainer.  After 10 years as a running back in the NFL, he's still waiting for a big hit.  He's not going to wow you on balls played into the box, or outrun everyone, but he'll make you miss. 

Sanders would be a perfect fit for a center midfielder controlling the action.  He might be dangerous on free kicks from anywhere inside midfield. Have you seen the size of his thighs?

2) Jim Thorpe: Olympian, RB, 6-1, 200

He seemingly excelled at everything except soccer.  Thorpe outran, out-jumped and out-everythinged everyone throughout his life.  Put him anywhere on a soccer field and watch the magic happen. 

1) Usain Bolt: Jamaica, Sprinter, 6-5, 170

His nickname is unimaginative (Lightning Bolt), and maybe he's played some soccer in Jamaica.  Still, he runs 100 meters in 9.72 seconds and he's 6-foot-5.  Present those two numbers to any manager in the world and take cover as his head explodes. 

With players like these, any dope could guide a team to glory.  Unfortunately, out of these 10, only six are young enough to compete and one of those is not American.  The remaining five may have never touched a soccer ball and despite their physical abilities, would most likely be useless on a soccer field. 

So as the first-ever mock soccer draft comes to a close, I'll leave you with just one thought: Americans don't have to be the best at everything, do we?