Allen Iverson Just the Start of Sixers' Issues

Walt HaleyContributor IDecember 8, 2009

Ah, my main man returned to the scene last night and the stadium seemed rocking. I have to admit—Allen Iverson is a treat.

I know I am not alone here, but I am actually excited about his return—not so much because of him, but because the current roster stinks.

Seriously, before Iverson the team had no energy to it and there was not one franchise player amongst the bunch.

They do have some decent role players. Thaddeus Young is a decent player, but he isn’t tearing down the house. I am not a huge Andre Iguodala fan either; I think he has actually regressed as a player. Besides, he is way overpaid. He is a No. 2 at best. He cannot carry a team, but he thinks he can.

(Um, Andre, since Lou Williams and Maurice Speights went down, you guys haven’t won a freaking game!)

They are entrenched in a 10-game losing streak, and I think they average about 14 people in attendance at home games. Enter Iverson and you know what happens? His first home game is sold out.

Ed Stefanski can spin it anyway he wants: This was not a basketball move. The Sixers did not make themselves better by bringing him back; they made themselves more marketable and definitely more watchable.

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I seriously considered watching re-runs of Desperate Housewives over the Sixers before Iverson returned.

They have played about 20 to 22 games to date, and I have seen a collective five minutes of each game. I can't keep my eyes open. I would rather study for the CPA or talk to my wife about her day than watch this garbage of a team.

I can’t really blame management for the current makeup of this roster. I understood that Andre Iguodala was going to demand a poop load of money once he became a free agent. GMs always overpay for players like that. I was also excited about Elton Brand coming on board, but he got old really fast.

How awesome would the Sixers look with Josh Smith instead of him? What a terrible move in hindsight, but I couldn’t argue at the time because I thought they couldn’t go wrong with either one. Boy was I wrong.

I actually want to stress what the real problem is with the Sixers. It is not their players nor their front office. It is the ugliness of their head coach, Eddie Jordan.

Has anyone sat down and analyzed this? He is not a good-looking dude. In order for ugly people to succeed, they need a trademark or signature move so to speak.

Here is a few examples of what I am talking about. Tom Landry has his fedora hat with the feather in the side, Bill Belichick has the disheveled hooded sweatshirt with the ripped sleeves, and Vince Lombardi has the trench coat and square top glasses.

In basketball, Red Auerbach was chomping on a lit cigar all of the time. Phil Jackson is tall and gangly with his signature soul patch and trendy glasses. Pat Riley has the slicked back hair and Italian suits.

I am going to eliminate baseball managers here because they all look crazy. Why do they wear uniforms? I never understood this. They are all fat and wrinkly, and I don’t need to see them in tight pants.

None of these guys looked like the Greek god Adonis, but they did something to their appearance to separate themselves and therefore become legends.

Eddie Jordan needs to do the same thing.

If he does one of the following five suggestions, the Sixers may never ever lose a game again under his tutelage:

5) Sit in the owners box with a headset like the defensive coordinators in football. He can give his assistant a headset on the bench and send in the plays that way.

4) Wear an ascot and smoke a really long cigarette through an extension. He can give all of his press conferences using a French accent as well. Would anyone question his motive?

3) Start a new trend by wearing a basketball jersey on the sidelines—just like baseball managers. I think he should have his blue tooth in as well to complete the outfit.

2) Dress as Baby New Year—I am talking about roaming the sidelines with a sash across his bare chest with his name on it while wearing a gigantic diaper. Maybe he can have his ears fixed so they stick out too. I would watch every single Sixers game if he did this. Hell, I would probably buy season tickets.

1) Wear a brown paper bag over his head like the unknown comic or the disgruntled fans of Cleveland. How funny would this be?

Anyway you look at it, this dude has to do something to separate himself. He couldn’t do any worse than he currently is.

I tell you what, with Iverson, this team is capable of dropping 85 points on anyone so watch out NBA, here come the Sixers!

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