Ten Terrible Turkey Day College Football Coaches

 Which college football coaches make their fans feel like the kid in A Christmas Story who, on a dreaded  triple dog dare, stuck his tongue on a frozen pole?

Sure the season started on a fun double dog dare but now, as the turkey simmers and the season sings its sad swan song, fans are painfully stuck on a frozen pole as enemies laugh, leer, and jeer.

What coaches ruined their fans holiday cheer? 

NOW it was serious. A double-dog-dare. What else was there but a "triple dare you"? And then, the coup de grace of all dares, the sinister triple-dog-dare.

1] Charlie Weis: Sorry Charlie seems to be playing the poor Charlie card as his Irish season, and career, wind down.

Well, despite his angst, Charlie is a lot of things but poor isn't one of them. A lot of loot is guaranteed to him; even if Charlie goes in the can.

And if losing twice to Navy at home, the first losses to the sailing lads since Roger Staubach was an underclassman and John F Kennedy was in the stands, does not guarante the can for Charlie then being a Big East bottom fish surely does.

Bill Belichick must be a genius because judging by the massive failures of his fprmer staff in the coaching ranks, that is Weis, Eric "Nero" Mangini, and Romeo Crennel, Bill was doing most of the coaching in New England..

2] Mark Mangino: Fickle is the fate of a coach. The big man was a hero just a few, jolly seasons past but now the media, fans, and some players are snarling at him like Tuco did at the burly, sadistic guard in The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly.

I like big fat men like you. When they fall they make more noise. And sometimes they don't get up.

And the national media is going Josey Wales on Mangino.

Yeah, well, I always heard there were three kinds of suns in Kansas, sunshine, sunflowers, and sons-of-bitches.

Its Clint Eastwood bad karma time in Kansas.

3] Les Miles: Like the Ghosts of Christmas' past that scared old Scrooge LSU Les is haunted in key games by the boring shades of Bo Schembler coached offenses of season's long since lost.

The spectre of conservative Bo lingers over the plodding Tiger O.

Look for LSU Les to keep Tiger fans frightened. 

Bo still says boo to LSU.

4] Dan Hawkins: Colorado Dan doesn't want to stop his Rocky Mountain Show since he still has some more kinfolk to stick in at quarterback.

5] Rich Rodriguez: Maybe Rich Rod can sing some Holiday Dr John as he seems a good coach in the wrong system with the wrong team in the wrong league.

Hit it Doc!

I been in the right place
But it must have been the wrong time
I'd have said the right thing
But I must have used the wrong line
I'd a took the right road
But I must have took a wrong turn
Would have made the right move
But I made it at the wrong time
I been on the right road
But I must have used the wrong car
My head was in a good place
And I wonder what it's bad for

6] Al Groh: Al Groh is about to meet his Appomattox in Virginia.

However unlike Robert E Lee Groh will land in a staff position on another team.

7] Ron Zook: The last act of a desperate captain on a fast sinking ship is usually a dire attempt to jettison the extra weight dragging them to the bottom.

The Good Ship Zook is tilting badly and look for some staff to go over board but will it be enough to save the sweating Captain for yet another shaky sojourn?

Does Illinois really want the SS Zook to sail on through more terrible sea-ed seasons in the Big Ten?

Loose cannons, rough seas, is it time to blow the powder room below and rebuild?

Shiver me timbers!

8] Bob Stoops: One day your Big Game Bob the next your Big Blundering, Bumbling Bob. 

The Sooners are sinking like the Titanic and if Stoops doesn't stop the ship the rabid Oklahoma fan base will want him hunted down and displayed like Ned Christie.

To paraphrase Lonesome Dove's Blue Duck coaching life is cheap on the Canadian.

Blue Duck couldn't beat Texas either and they hung him for it.

Texas has no mercy on Oklahoma.

9] Ralph Freidgen: The Fridge has fallen from coming coaching genius to failing Falstaff in a few short seasons.

If Weis, Fridge, and Mangino are all fired it will be a seismic shift in College football coaching.

Literally.

10] Pete Carroll: Non Profit Employee Pete is pulling in six million and change, sans side deals, and students in California get a 32% tuition increase?

Better beat Stanford Pete.

Quote of the week

"I could make statements like fat little girls and girlfriends to stay in the limelight ... Â What do you do? I could jump off the roof of my house."

Joe Paterno on being asked what he was going to do to stay in the limelight in the long Big Ten break before the bowls. Joe also added the Big Ten needs another team, a championship game, and the NCAA needs a playoff.

Cheers to Joe!

Proof that the BCS is the Evil Empire

The BCS hired former George Bush spin master Ari Fleischer to promote its propaganda and build up its anti playoff program.

With the television networks, the BCS, the old boy bowls, big boy conferences, and all their swindling politicos and slavish lobbyists united to continue the current greed grab system it will be much easier to negotiate a lasting, happy peace in the Mid East and Afghanistan then implementing a NCAA playoff system.

And wouldn't a playoff be Holiday fun?

The BCS is the enemy of fun. 

Perhaps, like Lone Watie in the Outlaw Josey Wales, we can keep thinking about the powers that be telling us to wait, to endeavor to persevere for a playoff, and instead get angry.

We thought about it for a long time, "Endeavor to persevere." And when we had thought about it long enough, we declared war on the BCS.