Edge 101: Taking The Maniacs to School

Andrea ClaireAnalyst INovember 20, 2009

*Warning: Contains strong language and material that might be considered offensive or inappropriate for children.  If you are easily offended, you might want to move on now.



This was going to be my Maniac vs. Maniac contest entry.  You see, the objective was to take the other maniacs to school and teach them that being a maniac is not so much a state of mind, but more a state of mindlessness. 


However, as I began to write, something strange happened.  The characters began taking on lives of their own and before I knew it, I had completely lost control of the classroom. 


For those of you who are new or unfamiliar with the PWC, as you read the following passage, I wish I could tell you that some of these lines are not actually direct quotes taken from comment threads.  However, in all actuality, the converse would, in fact, prove true.   


The following one act play is a peek inside the microcosm that is Bleacher Report’s Pro Wrestling Community.  Please note this is tagged as humor, for those who get it, enjoy! 


As for those who do not, please see me after class for extra help . . .  




Miss Claire:   I want to know right this instant, who wrote: Edge looks “liek” a hobo, on the chalk board?

John Harris : Listen to you, Miss Claire, wrote I did Edge is overrated and John Morrison next HBK is the next one Bret Hart is!


Miss Claire: What?  When did they start mainstreaming you guys into regular ed.?


John Harris:  I don’t know what you mean.


Kevin C :  Run, Forrest, run !


Miss Claire:  Kevin!  We’ll not have any of that today.


John Harris: I still don’t know what you guys mean.


Brandon: I was with you until you Edge because HBK is Bret but not Hart because JoMo is but no because there is only one Bret.


John Harris:  I know, seriously!


Kevin C: This is a joke, right?


Andrea Claire: I couldn’t make this stuff up, Kev, I’m not that good a writer!


John Harris: I don’t know what you mean.


Miss Claire: {sigh} Okay then, welcome to Edge 101.  Today we’ll be learning about the greatest, most talented, and gifted wrestler to have ever set foot inside the squared circle.  Can anyone tell me the name of that wrestler?


Justin Thomas :  Jeff Har . . .


Miss Claire: WRONG!


Juan : Shawn Michae . . .  


Miss Claire: WRONG! 


John Harris: John Morriso . . .


Miss Claire: {In frenzy, lunging toward each of the offenders} You’re wrong, you’re wrong, (turning her attention to John Harris) you’re DEFINITELY WRONG   This is inexcusable!  Did anyone bother to actually read the course description?


Suddenly, Miss Claire spots a confused young man, standing atop his desk with his hand to his forehead ; his eyes are searching the room frantically.


Miss Claire: {Exasperated} Young man, who are you searching for, might I ask?


Captain Charisma :  My PEEPS, I know they’re here somewhere!


Miss Claire: And, you thought they would be here . . . in a program centered entirely on EDGE ?


Captain Charisma: The program is not centered on Edge!  And, these life size cut outs of him that you have cluttering the room are an insult to my charismatic magnificence!


Miss Claire:  I see.  Speaking of the life size cut-outs, would you mind coming out from the one you’re standing behind, Captain Charisma?  I’m having a bit of difficulty seeing you way back there . . . . STANDING IN  EDGE’S SHADOW!


Captain Charisma: The Christian coalition will rise and conquer! And then, the PEEPS will blow the bugle of victory!


Dub : Well, if by “Peeps” you mean your mom and the bugle is my . . .


Miss Claire: Dub! I will not tolerate such comments! This is a place of higher learning, it is not facebook!


Dub: But, Miss Claire, your default photo changes as much as the ones on faceb. . .


Miss Claire: Enough!


Vitamin D : Really, Dub, watch and learn.  *ehem* Miss Claire, if I may . . .

I believe the answer you were seeking earlier, which was so vehemently ignored by Juan and Justin Thomas, is: The Rated R Superstar, Edge, the greatest wrestler to ever live.


Dub:  THIS, coming from the guy who shows up to an EDGE course in face paint and a STING tee-shirt!


Miss Claire:  What is this get-up you’re wearing, D? 


Vitamin D: Well, it’s all symbolic, Miss Claire.  Clearly, Sting embodies awesomeness, which of course, is Edge’s trademark.  And, the face paint is a metaphor for Edge mocking Jeff Hardy fans.


Miss Claire: How creative!  You get extra credit for that answer!


Dub: (to Vitamin D) suck up!


Vitamin D: Yeah, we’ll see who’s suckin’ up after class!


Miss Claire:  Excuse me?


Vitamin D: Oh, I’m sorry Miss Claire; Dub was just saying that your class sucks . . .


Miss Claire: See me after class, Dub!


Dub: (to Vitamin D) haha, sucker!


Vitamin D: *ehem* Miss Claire, I confess, it was me who wrote that Edge looks “liek” a hobo on the chalkboard.


Miss Claire:  Well, I appreciate your honesty, but you’ll have to serve detention after class as well, D.


Vitamin D:  (to Dub) see you in detention, b*tch!


Dub: What?  I will smack a b*tch up in this motha F#@!%! Don’t make me show you what a b*tch looks like!


Miss Claire: Deep Breaths, Dub, deep breaths.  Vitamin D, stop antagonizing him, you know he has anger management issues!


Dub: {mumbling} Anger management, my @ss!  I will  F#@! his $h!t up!


Vitamin D: {winks and blows a kiss to Dub}


Dub: What does this mean, Miss Claire? {Dub gestures something resembling a DX crotch chop}


Miss Claire: Dub!  Where would you ever learn such a filthy, degrading gesture?


Dub: {deviously} Oh, I don’t know, Vitamin D keeps doing that behind your back. 


Miss Claire:  D! Get up here right now and write “I will not make obscene gestures behind Miss Claire’s back” 100x on the board!


Dub: So, we can make them to your face then? Awesome!


Miss Claire: Go stand next to him Dub, and write “Kofi Kingston isn’t good enough to lace Edge’s boots!”


Dub: {mumbling}  I will boot you in your fat behind bitc . . .


Miss Claire: What was that, Mr. Sizzle?


Dub: Yes Ma’am.


Miss Annie : Sorry I’m late, this is the Rated RKO class, right?


Miss Claire: {sigh} NO, this is EDGE 101, a class dedicated entirely to EDGE!


Miss Annie: So, you’re saying we won’t be covering Randy Orton then?


Miss Claire: Hmm . . . well, I suppose since he was a member of Team Rated RKO, we could cover Orton.


Miss Annie: Yes!  Oh, and Miss Claire?


Miss Claire: Yes, Annie?


Miss Annie:  When we cover Orton, Can it PLEASE be with whipped cream?


Miss Claire: Indeed!


Dub: Oh great, chick talk! Come on, I’m losing my appetite over here!


Justin Thomas: Don’t confuse my fanhood with my manhood, but just so you know, Matt and Jeff are sexier than Rated RKO could ever be!


Miss Annie:  Speak that blasphemy against the Almighty Orton one more time, Swanton boy, and you’ll be confusing my foot with your . . .  


Miss Claire: Can we please get back to EDGE and his superior awesomeness ?!?!

Okay then, the first thing you’ll need to know about giving a quality Rated R rant is . . .  is that smoke I smell?  Excuse me, you cannot smoke in here!  Report to the Community Leader’s office at once!


Slave to the Animal: Sorry teach, no can do.


Miss Claire: And, just why is that?


Slave to the Animal: He’s dead.


Miss Claire: Oh, is that a fact, he’s dead?


Slave to the Animal: Yeah, I killed him back in his last article thread.


Miss Claire:  Well . . . then, go to Chris Mueller’s office.


Slave to the Animal: Yeah, about him, I don’t think he’s showing up for work today either.


Miss Claire: hmmm . . . Sulayman’s office?


Slave to the Animal: Hey, that one was an accident!


Miss Claire: You know, Slave, perhaps you should try a little tenderness.


Slave to the Animal: You’re right, I should probably try objectifying myself more and changing my default photo every fifteen seconds.


Miss Claire: Just what are you implying?


Slave to the Animal: Well, if the hooker boots fit . . .


Miss Claire: Moving on!  Excuse me; is that . . . Mister . . . LeBlanc?  JLB, didn’t you transfer out of this school?


JLB : That Would Definitely be correct.  In fact, That Would Definitely be a


true statement. In fact That Would Definitely be . . .


Miss Claire: That Will Do, dear. Now, please take your seat.


Suddenly the classroom door opens . . .


Miss Claire:  Oh, umm, Mr. Howard, I . . . thought you were . . . umm . . .


Shane H : (laughing) Dead?


Miss Claire: Well, it was implied.


Shane H: Yeah, Yeah, that was nothing.  I’ve taken more hits around here than Jeff Hardy takes off his crack pipe, only difference is, I’m still here! 


Miss Claire: I know what you mean, I’ve had more people try to bend my will today than John Morrison’s been bent in the men’s locker room!


John Harris: Edge is overrated and looks liek a hobo! He is HBK Shawn is JoMo the Next Bret Hart Shawn Michaels is JoMo no HBK is!!!


Shane H:  Well, I see the mainstreaming program I incorporated is working out well.


Miss Claire: Yes, Thank you for that, Shane.  You’ll be proud to know he’s now ranked #4 amongst the Top Writers here in the PWC.


Joe Burgett :  But, he’s not No.2!  Tell Mr. Howard who the No.2 writer is here, Miss Claire! Go on; tell him the name of the writer that is “this close” to being numero uno again!


Shane H:  Yes, Joe, I’m well aware.


Joe Burgett:  Oh okay, just sayin’ . . .


John Harris: Look at you, Miss Claire, trying to act like it’s not true!  You know John Morrison is better than Edge!  And, in case you didn’t know, he is the next HBK AND the next Shawn Michaels!!!


Miss Claire: Your delusions are about as real as Santa Claus, kid.


John Harris: But . . . he has a beard.


Miss Claire: Yes, John.  Yes he does.


Shane H: This is a joke, right?


Andrea Claire: Oh, how I wish it were, Shane. But, like I told Kevin earlier, I couldn’t make this stuff up if I tried!


Shane H: To the Rated R Mini Bar?


Andrea Claire:  Sure, is AkD  going to meet up with us later?


Shane: Nah, not tonight, Shelton’s car broke down again.


Andrea Claire:  Ahh, so he’ll be in need of a push  then?


Shane H: Yeah, something  like that.


Andrea Claire: Okay, I’ll catch up in a sec, order me a Hogan on the Rock(s).


Shane H: Oh?  No more Cena Lites?


Andrea Claire: Nah, I just wanna pound down Hogan on the Rock(s) all night long.


Shane H: Yeah, that’s what John Morrison said.


John Harris:  I don’t know what you mean.  


Andrea Claire: (to Shane) Better make it a double!





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