Sick of the Dolphins: A Miami Fan's Lament

Quick, somebody get me a bucket...

I think I'm going to be sick.

Why so? If I can choke back my vomit and tears long enough, I'll be more than happy to explain.  (St. Louis fans, feel free to commiserate.)

Here we go:

* I'm sick of being winless after six games.  (Okay, that was an easy one—but I'm just getting warmed up.)

* I'm sick of Joey Porter running his mouth.

Hey, J-Peezy, maybe it's not a good idea to guarantee a win if your team hasn't won a single game since early December. 

Oh, and to then go out and allow a third-string running back to shred you for 179 yards? 

Awesome job backing up your talk.

Alas, the lesson wasn't learned, as you found it necessary to call out Kellen Winslow before last week's game.  You claimed that your personal feud with him couldn't technically be called a "battle," since he'd never won anything. 

Well, I think it's safe to say that it's officially a battle now. 

I'll make a deal with you, Joey—you can resume talking trash once you record a sack.  That should be easy enough, right? 

After all, that's why you were handed that $32 million contract this offseason. 

Except you haven't had a sack since Week 13 of 2006. 

Maybe you could invest some of that money in a writer who can concentrate on penning your trash talk...while you concentrate on actually earning your salary.

* I'm sick of stupid penalties in the return game.

Ted Ginn Jr. had his first kickoff return for a touchdown nullified by the handiwork of Derek Hagan, on a penalty that had absolutely no influence on the play. 

Imagine how many doubters might have finally jumped off Teddy's back had they looked at the stat sheet and seen a return TD. Now I have to put up with more of the same premature and misguided shouts of "Bust!" 

Lame.

* I'm sick of having to already look ahead to the 2008 Draft.

It's only October and already I'm pondering what April holds for my team.  Can it get any worse than that? 

Miami isn't going to be good any time soon, so maybe I should skip the college scouting reports and go directly to the Pop Warner fields.

Hey, maybe Cody Paul is the answer to Miami's troubles.

* Speaking of the draft, I'm sick of the fact that bad teams are forced to fork over $30 million or more for a kid who has played exactly as many NFL downs as I have.

And this is supposed to help make the bad teams better?

* I'm sick of watching the postgame interviews and seeing my favorite player, Zach Thomas, almost reduced to tears by how awful his team is playing.

Guys like Thomas and Jason Taylor deserve much better than this.  Sadly, they aren't going to get it.

* I'm sick of the fact that the kicker may just be the best player on the team.

* I'm sick of the fact that an undrafted rookie (Courtney Bryan) is getting playing time in the secondary ahead of last year's 16th overall draft pick, Jason Allen.

* I'm sick of the fact that Ronnie Brown is blossoming on a team that's headed south. 

* I'm also sick of the fact that by the time this team has turned things around, Ronnie's prime years will have been churned into the dirt, with little more to show for it than a bitter cloud of dust.

* I'm sick of Chris Collinsworth saying that Miami made a bad deal by trading Wes Welker.

Had Welker remained in Miami, he would still be little more than a 60-reception, 700-yard receiver with a lot of heart.  He's exploding in New England because the Patriots are an organization that already has an established corps of great players.

* Speaking of the Patriots, I'm sick of Tom Brady's butt-chin.

* Moreover, I'm sick of the fact that after six games, Brady has thrown more TD passes than all of Miami's passers did last season.

* I'm sick of the fact that the last time Miami won a game was also the last time the Patriots lost a regular-season game (December 10, 2006).

* But most of all, I'm simply sick of being sick.

Does anyone have any Pepto-Bismol?