Sports Movies For The Holiday Season

Steve ThompsonAnalyst IIINovember 14, 2009

NOVARA, ITALY - SEPTEMBER 08:  Antonello Valentini general manager of FGIC  looks at a camera before UEFA U21 Championship match between Italy and Luxembourg at at Silvio Piola Stadium on September 8, 2009 in Novara, Italy.  (Photo by Dino Panato/Getty Images)
Dino Panato/Getty Images

Now that it is November, the Hollywood studios like to come out with their blockbusters for the holiday season.

When it comes to sports movies, the plots are usually the same. Somebody who is unknown joins a down and out team and leads it to victory, usually overcoming some handicaps and personal crises on the way while winning the girl/guy depending on the gender.

Or there are tragedies about athletes with incurable diseases like Brian Picolo, Lou Gehrig, etc.

But how about some really different sports movies for a change. If Hollywood would use its imagination, there are plenty of different plots that could be developed. Below are 35 sports movies waiting to be made. Perhaps a producer or director will read this and be inspired...

1.    The Board Of Governors

Based on Agatha Christie’s story, “Ten Little Indians”, this is the story of the homicidal fan who bumps off members of a sports league’s Board of Governors one by one after they repeatedly refuse to grant his city a franchise.

2.    Attack Of The Twenty Foot Point Guard

50's-like Scifi flick in which a mad scientist invents a steroid which makes its users grow a little taller before game time.

3.    Sports Widow

In this comedy, poor Sophie has grown overweight because hubby Bill has been neglecting her for the sports tube. Her scheme: Lose 30 pounds so that she can make Sport’s Illustrated’s Swimsuit Issue which has absolutely nothing to do with sports at all so that she can catch his eye again.

4.    The Chicago Cubs

Fantasy 3D animation from Disney and fun for the whole family. After going 200 years without winning the World Series, the Chicago Cubs disband in despair. Meanwhile, Benji, a recently born bear living in Yellowstone Park hears of the dissolution and organizes his friends into a baseball team to put matters right.

5.    Huddle

Lonely Betty, a 280 pound girl is shunned by everybody until it’s discovered she can play offensive guard like an all star. Now if only she can persuade the NFL to let her play...

6.    Bet Your Tentacle

Fantasy about a poor boy who lives in a hovel by the ocean who becomes rich after he discovers an octopus who can pick NFL winners infallibly. But can he save him when a vacationer from Detroit comes to visit and decides he wants the octopus for the Stanley Cup playoffs?

7.    The Cheerleaders

Chick flick in which a football team is so bad, nobody comes to their games until they hire twenty Playboy bunnies.

8.    Shrek X

Dreamworks gives Shrek fans this Jekyll and Hyde type story in which Shrek and Fiona discover Alice’s magic mushrooms in Wonderland and plunge into the sports world.  To please Shrek, Fiona joins him in eating one mushroom to keep them in their ogre state allowing Shrek and Fiona to join the Washington Redskins’ offensive line where they are called “The Green Hogs”.

To please Fiona, Shrek eats the other mushroom which returns them to their normal state so that Fiona can fulfill her dream to be a pairs figure skating champion coached by Puss In Boots. Meanwhile Donkey becomes involved with gangsters after devising a scheme for betting on Redskins’games.

9.    Death Game

Tragedy of a sports fan who lives only for his teams. His obsession comes to haunt him when his ten year old son commits suicide after his favorite team loses the championship.

10.    The Naked Olympians    

Comedy porno flick in which the IOC is petitioned to admit sex as an Olympic sport.

11.    The Lemon Suckers

Similar to “The Grapes Of Wrath”, a family is persuaded by a wealthy sports owner to invest in a local sports franchise. When the owner moves the team to another city, the family struggles with poverty for the rest of their lives.

12.    National Lampoon’s Dallas Cowboys Vacation

A family from Maine decides to spend their summer vacation going to see Jerry Jones’ billion dollar palace after purchasing standing room tickets on-line. But when they go to the game, they find they can’t see any of it because of the tall people standing in front of them.

13.    The Village That Squeaked

Similar to “The Mouse That Roared”, an American village tries to raise one billion dollars to build a stadium to get a franchise and put themselves on the map.

14.    Elmer’s Revenge Race

The title says it all in this traditional animation fare. Tired of being made a fool of, Elmer Fudd considers resigning from Warner Brothers or even suicide until he teams up with Cecil Turtle, the only character ever to consistently get the better of Bugs Bunny. Another challenge race is organized. Is Bugs finally caught between a rock and a hard place?

15.    Get Green

Chick flick in which a woman is banned by the LPGA because she looks ugly even though she plays championship golf. Tiger Woods has a cameo role as himself.

16.    The Hooligan

Documentary about Jock McDonald who gets together with his friends to go on road trips when his favorite soccer team plays away from home. Fascinating insight about how these people disrupt things.

17.    Hostesses

After a city is awarded a major international sporting event, Marcie, daughter of a wealthy man who is on one of the organizing committees, gets herself and her friends appointed hostesses while poor women who really need the money remain unemployed.

18.  The Juice

Will Smith stars as O.J. Simpson in the first of a series of films in which the ex-NFL player gets involved in various infernal schemes.

19.    Tennis Anyone?

Comedy starring Megan Fox as a girl who can’t play tennis but gets made a star because she looks good.

20.    The Golfer

Social drama about a poor man who gets a lucky break and comes into some money. When he spends it on golf clubs and a membership, it causes a family crisis.

21.    Fly To Daylight

Horror film in which the star quarterback is turned into a vampire. The team struggles to find a way for him to play day games.

22.    The Elitist

A poor young man becomes a sports star and then turns his back on his family, his old friends, and the public. The sports movies’ “Citizen Kane”.

23.    The Ratings

Comedy about how hockey is dropped from American television in favor of pro darts, table tennis, and professional bingo. Stars Gary Bettman.

24.    Sports Spies

In order to win games, a ruthless coach orders his players’ girlfriends to sleep with opposing players and coaches in order to discover the upcoming game plan.

25.    Indiana Jones and The Magic Baseballs

Because Chicago Cubs fans jeered and cursed Babe Ruth when he hit his last World Series home run, he placed the team under the Curse Of The Bambino Part II in which Chicago will never win the World Series unless all 15 Babe Ruth World Series home run balls, including the last “called-his-shot” one are brought together at Wrigley Field. In desperation, the Cubs hire Jones, promising free lifetime best season tickets if he will find them.

26.    Toonces Goes To The Races

Toonces the Cat who could drive a car from Saturday Night Live is hired to be a racing car driver at the Indianapolis 500.

27.    The Quarterback

After losing thirty in a row to their arch rival, a team owner offers his daughter and half the team ownership to anyone who can quarterback the team to victory.

28.    Partners On Ice

Gay and lesbian drama about a gay pairs figure skater who falls for a skater from another team and their jealous female partners. Starring Tonya Harding.

29.    Beach Blanket Volleyball

An American volleyball team must save North America from nuclear annihilation by defeating the North Korean team. Stars Bernadette Funicello and Dreamy Avalon.

30.    True North

A Canadian hockey fan tries to start a new hockey league to compete with the NHL and place teams in Canadian cities that don’t have any professional hockey.

31.  The Olympic Karate Kid

Karate has been kept out of the Olympics because no one can agree which style is to be the true karate style. In this action packed picture, a great tournament is held among representatives of every style, sub-style, sub-sub-style, sub-sub-sub style, etc. to settle the issue.

The tournament is won by Bruce Lea whose style becomes the official Olympic karate style. Unfortunately, Lea has no pupils and therefore nobody else can participate.

32.  The Invincible Sports King

Historical drama of the early years of the reign of Henry VIII who manages to win every event he enters whether it’s horse back riding, jousting, archery, wrestling or tennis.  This movie attempts to discover the reasons for the sports invincibility of this legendary king.

33.  Lawn Of Victory

Another historical drama also set in Tudor times. Audiences will be on the edges of their seats as Sir Francis Drake takes on his arch rival in an ultimate test of lawn bowling.  As the tension mounts from end to end, Drake must defeat his opponent in order to find inspiration to defeat the Spanish Armada. The future of England is at stake!

34.  Revenge Of The New Olympians

Fatso Wanda is banned from the American figure skating team not because she can’t do the jumps and the twirls but because she can’t fit into a tight skimpy costume. In revenge, she starts her own Olympic games featuring sports such as shuffle board, darts, bowling, bingo, hopscotch, monopoly, horseshoes, tug of war, tiddly winks, and contract bridge.

When these prove more popular than the original Olympics and ratings soar, the old games are scrapped. As Wanda rightly says, “They’re cheaper, more people play them, and they’re more exciting than watching someone run endlessly around an oval or swimming in a pool.”

35.  The Lord Of The Balls

In this incomparable trilogy, the ultimate sports fantasy, Sourman, the evil sports owner has created a master ball that corrupts all sports. This lost ball has been found by Fruitloop, a boy so poor he can’t attend any sports event.

If he can take the ball to the place where it can be destroyed, ticket prices will fall so that even poor people can afford to see sporting events, stadiums and arenas will be built without any luxury boxes and other rich-catering extras, athletes will stop taking performance enhancing drugs, owners will not make excessive profits and remain loyal to their cities, players’ salaries will be slightly more than the average person, golf club memberships will be cheap, sports will return to public tv and not be only on expensive cable/satellite channels, hooliganism and scalping will stop, fans will not live through their teams, drop win-at-all-cost thinking, and show sportsmanship even when they lose.

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