Monday Morning Digest: Overreacting to Preseason Week 1

It was only one week...of the preseason...when the games don't count...and the starters barely play.

And now that we've listed the biggest reasons not to overreact to anything we saw this weekend, let's overreact as hard as we possibly can! 

This week's edition of Monday Morning Digest is chock-full of:

• Breathless rookie quarterback analysis

• Hand-wringing about teams that stumbled out of the gate

• Deep dives into Rams and Steelers training camps

• Rookie prop bets to pounce upon (and avoid)

• Classic Cam Newton and Kelvin Benjamin melodrama

...and much more.

So join us on our early-preseason journey. And remember: If you are shouting, "The preseason is meaningless and you are overreacting to nothing!" it's only a sure sign that your favorite team didn't look so good.

Teams That Didn't Answer Any Questions in Their Preseason Debuts

Mike Roemer/Associated Press

Super Bowl winners and perennial powerhouses have nothing to prove in the preseason: Go out there and goof off with your ninth-stringers, oh Eagles, Patriots and Steelers.

Terrible teams can only prove so much in the preseason. Promising starts are, well, promising, and we'll fawn over the rookie quarterbacks in this edition of Digest soon enough. But one preseason game can't erase years of ineptitude.

It's all of those teams in between the great and the terrible who need the preseason to prove that their starters look sharp, the newcomers are ready to contribute, the new systems have been installed and everyone is on schedule for a hot start come September.

And frankly, some of those teams—some of the ones with the highest expectations—flunked their preseason debuts.

The following five teams need to show fans, their coaches and themselves a lot more over the next few weeks than they showed us this weekend:

5) The Packers

Yes, the final score (31-17) looked great. And no, we don't need to see much of Aaron Rodgers. But the starting Packers defense allowed an easy Titans touchdown drive, Packers running backs carried just eight times for 25 yards in the first half and the backup offensive tackles (who usually end up starting at some point) are as weak as ever, because it's the same bunch of guys.

This year's Packers are supposed to be about new schemes and new solutions. They need to prove that their plans run deeper than Rodgers will return and make everything OK. We saw very little of that Thursday. 

4) The Chargers

Like the Packers, the Chargers must use the preseason to prove that they solved last year's problems. They missed the playoffs in 2017 because their defense got gouged up the middle and they couldn't handle the special teams basics. The Cardinals started Saturday night's game with a long punt return and two David Johnson runs straight up the gut for 14 yards each. New kicker Caleb Sturgis also shanked an easy field goal, but don't worry, his challenger is...oh dear...Roberto Aguayo.

3) The 49ers

The 49ers appeared to treat the first preseason game like they were a 12-4 team with a five-time Pro Bowler at quarterback, not the rebuilding team that's still in need of step-up players that they really are. The Cowboys offense marched through the 49ers defense on the opening drive, and in his one series, starting quarterback Jimmy Garoppolo didn't look much like the MVP candidate we keep hearing he is.

The 49ers need to display a better pass rush, greater skill-position depth and quality, and more of a spark over the next few weeks.

2) The Rams

They looked so bad they have their own segment a little later in Digest. 

1) The Broncos

With the starters getting a good chunk of the early playing time—and yes, those were the starters, give or take a Von Miller—the Broncos fell behind the Vikings 17-0.

Quarterback Case Keenum isn't some Drew Brees who can go 1-of-4 for five yards and grab a baseball cap; he's a guy who was playing preseason fourth quarters not too long ago, and he needs to establish that he can move the ball for his new team. The Paxton Lynch experiment must be abandoned, because the Broncos need to evaluate young players on both sides of the ball, and prolonged stretches of Lynch jitters make that almost impossible.

The Broncos just looked unready on both sides of the ball until late-game silly time arrived. That's a bad look for a team that bills itself as a bunch of Super Bowl-tested veterans who finally found their quarterback.

Rookie Quarterback Digest

Bill Kostroun/Associated Press

Each week during the preseason, Digest will dig deeper than the highlights and lowlights to catch you up on the progress of this year's first-round rookie quarterbacks as well as their teams' mentors/competitors.

Josh Allen

How he looked: Allen's deep throws look like Dragon Ball Z attacks, but his bloopers are extra bloopy. He displayed just enough mobility and awareness to ease concerns that he's little more than a Medieval catapult with a face. It's easy to imagine Allen having early NFL success launching rockets for a team with a great offensive line and the league's most dynamic receivers. Unfortunately, he plays for the Bills.

How the mentors/competitors looked: Ordinary Twin Powers: Activate! Nathan Peterman took the shape of a second-year quarterback seizing a starting opportunity until he killed a drive with a sloppy interception on what should have been an easy throw. AJ McCarron took the form of a quarterback who will collect paychecks for a decade by floating passes to wide-open receivers against second-string preseason defenses.

Sam Darnold

How he looked: Darnold delivered some promising throws. He was also careless with the ball a few times and appeared to regress as the game went on. His 13-of-18 stat line is padded with lots of dump-offs in the flat. It was a strong rookie debut but not the best of the weekend. Jets fans are used to rookie quarterbacks so bad that they cannot be trusted to mop fourth quarters, so they are allowed to get a little carried away.

How the mentors/competitors looked: Teddy Bridgewater looked like your basic mid-tier NFL starter, which is what he is. The Jets are showcasing him as trade bait for a team in need of a potential Plan B starter or elite backup. Nobody tell them that they are a team in need of a potential Plan B starter or elite backup.

Lamar Jackson

How he looked: His touchdown scramble was tasty. The ball placement on downfield throws was random, though the 7-of-18 completion rate was marred by some bad drops by receivers. Mechanically, Jackson looked more like an NFL quarterback than he did in early training camp or in the Hall of Fame Game, which is encouraging but not even close to opening day starter-level encouraging.

How the mentors/competitors looked: In camp and in his brief Thursday cameo, Joe Flacco looked more like 2010-12 Flacco than 2016-17 Flacco (though you need a precision-calibrated Flaccometer to tell the difference). Robert Griffin III was effective in late-game work and could stick on the Ravens roster as more than just a citronella candle for warding off Colin Kaepernick questions.

Baker Mayfield

How he looked: It may have been the most impressive Browns rookie debut since Bernie Kosar. Don't get hung up on the low 11-of-20 completion rate; Mayfield slid around the pocket and delivered passes down the field. Not every pass was pretty or advisable, but in early August you should judge a rookie quarterback by his poise, confidence, decisiveness and (oh yeah) his talent.

How the competitors/mentors looked: Tyrod Taylor breezed down the field on a lightning-quick no-huddle touchdown drive during which the whole Browns offense looked like it was wearing rocket skates. Maybe there's something to this wacky strategy of letting the capable, dynamic veteran start while the rookie adjusts.

Josh Rosen

How he looked: Rosen made two highlight-reel plays: a 21-yard strike to Gabe Holmes after side-stepping two Chargers pass-rushers and a back-shoulder sideline throw to Greg Little (who could not get both feet down to make the catch count). He also coped with several terrible shotgun snaps. But a defender also dropped a likely pick-six, and Rosen sprayed a few off-target passes into dangerous locations. It wasn't awful, but it wasn't Mayfield/Darnold-level encouraging.

How the competitors/mentors looked: Sam Bradford threw just one pass (triple-checks to make sure both of Bradford's knees didn't burst into flames or something) before leaving the game so Rosen could get his work. Digest refuses to acknowledge the continued employment of Mike Glennon. Someone named Chad Kanoff finished the game, but that may have just been Glennon switching jerseys to collect two paychecks.

Hot Takes and Bold Predictions

Charles Krupa/Associated Press

Insight and opinion on some of the major NFL news of the week:

• This weekend's preseason games featured more trick plays, fake punts, corner blitzes, fourth-down and two-point conversion attempts, downfield throws and honest-to-goodness strategy than any past preseason week that we can recall. Not only did all the real play-calling make the games better, but it also had to benefit the coaches and players. Players are just as likely to get hurt running off tackle against a vanilla defense as executing something that looks like a real game plan. They might as well get some practice doing the latter.

• Tom Brady's new performance incentives are absurd for Tom Brady—he should get $5 million just for promising not to give Alex Guerrero a key to the coaches' bathroom—but they would provide the perfect structure for standard running back contracts. Imagine if each running back, including those under late-round rookie contracts, was guaranteed $1 million for finishing in the top five in rushing yards, $1 million more for the top five in scrimmage yards, and so on, with bonuses amortized or exempted for cap purposes so teams don't take too big a hit. The stacked bonuses would go a long way toward satisfying Le'Veon Bell types while making sure rushers like Alfred Morris or David Johnson don't wear themselves to the nub while earning about 1/50th of Chase Daniel's career income.

• Nothing can be done about devastating preseason injuries, right? Wrong. Teams now sit on mountains of performance data from wearable technology and other sports-science innovations. But many coaches are either unwilling or unable to use the data, so a readout showing high fatigue levels or injury risk will often go unnoticed by coaches who think, Eh, he looks fine, and players who would never dare to ask for a lighter workload. Coaches and strength/conditioning staff must be better trained in integrating data into their offseason/preseason regimen; the directive to do so should come from the league, so coaches can't just shrug it off to show how old-school they are. ACL tears will always happen, but if wearable tech can prevent one or two major injuries per preseason, it's worth the effort. 

• Bold prediction about the Florida restaurant that canceled its Sunday Ticket subscription because of social justice protests: a top politician (let's set the over/under at Mike Pence) will visit for a photo op during the Sunday season opener, and the place will either bring back the NFL or be forced to lay off a quarter of its staff by the playoffs.

Training Camp Digest: Los Angeles Rams

Mark J. Terrill/Associated Press

Each week during the preseason, Digest will highlight a pair of teams with legit playoff aspirations and take a deep dive into their training camps. This week starts with the Rams, who look poised for a blockbuster season but did not exactly wow us with the trailer they dropped Thursday.

What's new

The Rams have integrated themselves seamlessly into the DC cinematic superhero universe, loading up their roster with mighty, colorful individuals (Ndamukong Suh, Marcus Peters, Aqib Talib, Brandin Cooks) while prolonging a contract squabble with Aaron Donald so everyone will act extra dark, brooding and edgy.

As for how the Rams looked in Thursday's 33-7 loss to the Ravens, let's just say there's a reason we didn't say they have integrated themselves seamlessly into the Marvel cinematic superhero universe.

What to watch

• Yes, those were almost exclusively Rams backups playing Thursday, while the Ravens gave many of their starters some work. Look for the Rams to play it extra safe with their veterans for the rest of the month; Sean McVay is a believer in avoiding preseason injury risks. When the Rams starters faced Ravens starters during intersquad practices last week, Jared Goff and the newcomers who participated earned positive reviews.

• That said, depth could be a real problem. Sean Mannion looked terrible against the Ravens on Thursday night, and the backup offensive line did him no favors. A Super-Bowl-or-bust team with a 33-year-old center (John Sullivan) and 36-year-old left tackle (Andrew Whitworth) needs both offensive line depth and a backup quarterback who can get them through an emergency. The Rams appear to have neither.

• Fantasy gamers seeking Todd Gurley's "handcuff" backup should note that Justin Davis and rookie John Kelly outperformed Mack Brown on Thursday and have gotten strong camp reviews. Davis had a great camp in 2017 but was only active for four games last year. Kelly split time at Tennessee with Alvin Kamara, and that wasn't just one of Butch Jones' bad ideas: He has a fine combo of quickness, size and receiving chops.

• The Aaron Donald holdout is not the Earl Thomas holdout (team doesn't return text messages and hopes player takes the hint), the Le'Veon Bell holdout (team decides being stubborn and cheap makes good football sense) or the Khalil Mack holdout (team thinks it's the '90s, when it was cool to resent players for wanting to earn market value). Reports have the two sides "in the same zip code," which is misleading when you factor in Los Angeles traffic jams. An educated guess: Donald reports before the third preseason game and signs an extension soon after. That's more than we will guess for the other three holdouts.

Bottom line

The Rams are not a Super Bowl team on paper. On paper, they're a team that thinks it's a Super Bowl team but has such obvious cracks in the foundation that everyone can anticipate what's coming. The Rams preseason needs to be about spackling those cracks, from finding low-cost/low-key backups who can contribute to making sure the defense is united and operating at peak potential. The Rams should spend the rest of August getting a little busier on both fronts. 

Training Camp Digest: Pittsburgh Steelers

Keith Srakocic/Associated Press

Digest continues its twice-weekly training camp deep dives on teams with legit playoff aspirations. Next up are the Steelers, who are having a very Steelers preseason.

What's new

Not much. The Steelers still rely heavily on Three Bs (Ben Roethlisberger, Le'Veon Bell and Antonio Brown) while keeping most or all of them in various states of personal or financial discontent. Longtime offensive coordinator Todd Haley is gone, but replacement Randy Fichtner was groomed for years under Haley. Most of the new faces are rookies, including first-round safety Terrell Edmunds and second-round receiver Joe Washington.

What to watch

• Veteran receiver Darrius Heyward-Bey told Digest that Fichtner has done little to Haley's offense except "clean some things up" and "change a couple of words here or there." Steelers play calls grew longer and longer as Haley added details year after year. Fichtner has apparently eliminated some verbiage on the more common plays. Otherwise, the structure of the Steelers offense has not changed.

• Rookie quarterback Mason Rudolph looks fine in non-contact drills against backups, and Joshua Dobbs has cleaned up his scattershot footwork quite a bit from last year, but Landry Jones solidified his status as Roethlisberger's backup with a strong effort against the Eagles on Thursday. The Steelers usually need Big Ben's backup once or twice per year and value Jones' experience and reliability.

• Washington has had a tremendous camp. "The kid can catch, man," Heyward-Bey said. "If it's a contested catch, a tough catch, he comes down with it." Pencil Washington in as Martavis Bryant's replacement and a likely upgrade over last year's less-than-dialed-in version of Bryant.

• James Conner ran hard and showed more lateral quickness Thursday night than he had last year, Fitzgerald Toussaint practices like every rep is the fourth quarter of the Super Bowl, Stevan Ridley is still effective in a third-down role, and versatile rookie Jaylen Samuels has taken slot and motion reps in camp. The Steelers have a crowd in the backfield to sort through when Bell returns, and of course all of the diverse talent puts some extra pressure on Bell to return.

• The Steelers secondary is deep this year, which is a departure from previous training camps. Edmunds, veteran Morgan Burnett and Sean Davis should give the Steelers their best safety corps since Troy Polamalu retired. Coty Sensabaugh and Cameron Sutton, who each picked off a pass Thursday, have had tremendous camps behind starting corners Joe Haden and Artie Burns.

Bottom line

During Digest's recent visit, Brown participated in some rudimentary drills before retreating to an empty practice field to nurse a quad injury, and of course Bell was absent. Throw in Big Ben's light, distinguished-starter workload, and it was easy to get a feel for the Steelers' deep roster battles but hard to get a sense of how synchronized the offense will be when everyone returns.

The Steelers will win lots of games this year, of course. But it's easy to wonder if the team that's always a few yards shy of the Patriots could make up the difference simply by getting the whole organization on the same page in August.

Inside the Numbers

John Hefti/Associated Press

Preseason statistics can be weird. Luckily, Digest is all about both the higher and lower math.               

Taysom Hill, QB, Saints (8-of-9 for 72 yards, seven rushes for 52 yards, one rushing touchdown): Hill isn't some Michael Vick-like scrambler; he's just an ordinary man who was trapped in extraordinary circumstances, namely mopping up against the Jaguars defensive backups (who play a lot like the Jaguars defensive starters). After running for his life for most of the second half and completing your basic preseason checkdowns, Hill ran a pair of options in the fourth quarter, one for 21 yards and the second for a three-yard touchdown. Tom Savage will likely win the Saints backup job because he is tall and has experience failing to lead a conventional offense—he loitered in the pocket making mistakes Thursday—but Hill is battling him for it.

Kerryon Johnson, RB, Lions (seven carries for 34 yards, four catches for 33 yards): Highlights included a 19-yard screen on 3rd-and-11 and a 13-yard run up the middle, both during a third-quarter field-goal drive. Fluff included a 12-yard run and a 12-yard catch that did not net first downs in 3rd-and-forever situations. Johnson displayed the start-stop rushing style he demonstrated in college and broke a few arm tackles, so it was a solid debut. But despite Johnson's success, the Lions backfield remains tangled. The Lions also consider Matt Cassel their primary backup quarterback, meaning there is still serious some depth chart work to get done all across the offense.

Jerick McKinnon, RB, 49ers (three rushes for minus-four yards, one reception for seven yards): The talented all-purpose threat and former college quarterback took two handoffs from the I formation for two yards before losing six yards on a slow-developing off-tackle run in his debut as the 49ers featured back. Shanahan, the master of creating favorable matchups for versatile running backs, probably didn't open his playbook beyond its table of contents Thursday.

Marshawn Lynch, RB, Raiders (no official statistics): Lynch ran for a 60-yard touchdown, which was nullified by a holding penalty against rookie left tackle Kolton Miller. On any other team, Lynch's performance would be interpreted as: Welp, coach saw all he needed to see. On the Raiders, there's a fear that Jon Gruden will decide he prefers rookie Chris Warren III (who rushed for 86 silly-time yards), perhaps because Warren is a lower-maintenance personality than Lynch and perhaps because Gruden mistakes Warren for his father.

Dallas Goedert, TE, Eagles (four catches for 66 yards, one TD): Goedert did have one rookie-jitters drop, but everything else was a tour de force of athleticism, awareness and, yes, blocking adequacy for the rookie tight end. The Eagles now have two of Zach Ertz, and if their pipeline from the Dakotas becomes any more productive, their draft strategy will be legally reclassified as fracking.

Cameron Johnston, P, Eagles (275 yards on six punts, three inside the 20): Johnston shanked one punt out of bounds and also lost an 81-yard blast to the NFL's new random helmet-to-helmet penalty generator. Johnston is the Josh Allen of punters.

Offensive Line Digest

Joe Robbins/Getty Images

It's easy to get caught up in all of the excitement surrounding rookie quarterbacks and skill-position newcomers and forget that offensive line play often makes the difference between a Super Bowl run and watching the third-string quarterback by November. Here are some updates and analysis on offensive line situations around the league.

The Panthers

Right tackle Daryl Williams is out indefinitely with a major knee injury, while guard Amini Silatolu will miss a few weeks with a torn meniscus. The Williams injury is a biggie, with Taylor Moton penciled in to replace him and no real depth at either tackle position.

What it means: The fluctuations in Cam Newton's performance—especially as a pocket passer—can usually be explained by the fluctuations in the quality of the Panthers offensive line. Keep an eye on Moton and the whole Panthers line in the next two preseason games.

The Vikings

Guard Nick Easton is out for the year with a neck injury. Center Pat Elflein is on the physically unable to perform list after offseason shoulder surgery. Mike Remmers has missed a chunk of practice with a leg injury. The Vikings started Cornelius Edison, Danny Isidora and Rashod Hill in the preseason opener, but that makeshift line manhandled the Broncos.

What it means: The Easton injury sparked some brief Richie Incognito drama last week, and the team also reached out to recent retiree Joe Berger, according to Chris Tomasson of the St. Paul Pioneer Press. But the Vikings have the deepest roster in the NFL and can replace Easton internally with Isidora or Tom Compton. The other injury situations should resolve themselves soon, and Saturday's performance should prevent the team and fans from panicking.

The Bengals

The rebuilt offensive line looked great in a handful of series against the Bears, with new tackles Cordy Glenn and Bobby Hart playing mistake-free football and rookie center Billy Price, a shaky snapper early in camp, delivering the ball to Andy Dalton without incident. Then Cedric Ogbuehi and Jake Fisher took the field with the backups and made us wonder how the heck Dalton survived several years with them as the starters.

What it means: The additions of Glenn and Hart may be the biggest NFL offseason upgrade that no one is talking about.

The Seahawks

There were no Keystone Cops moments for the Seahawks starters. Russell Wilson only had to scramble once, and Chris Carson and Rashaad Penny both had some actual holes to run through. The starting O-line (Duane Brown, Germain Ifedi, Ethan Pocic, D.J. Fluker and Justin Britt) is refreshingly free of converted tight ends or soccer goalies, and new line coach Mike Solari is a huge upgrade over Tom Cable by virtue of not being Tom Cable.

What it means: Seattle's offensive line wasn't great, mind you. The bar is just set really, really low. The Seahawks have the potential to field a conventional offense this season, right in time for them to also field an ordinary defense and become just another team.

Sportsbook Digest: Rookie Prop Bets

Seth Wenig/Associated Press

Now that we've gotten a better look at the rookies, it's time to take a look at some of the most intriguing prop bets you can find at your neighborhood's 100 percent legal (in a few states) sports book. The numbers below come from OddsShark and could radically change in the days to come.

Over/under for total starts for Sam Darnold (5.5): As the flashing neon "We'll Trade Teddy Bridgewater" sign outside team headquarters illustrates, the Jets aren't trying to sell themselves or us on the sit-and-wait storyline. Darnold has a high probability of starting Week 1, especially after Friday's performance. Even if he doesn't win the job by the season opener, Darnold will be behind a 39-year-old journeyman and a guy the Dolphins will soon trade multiple draft picks for. Digest's bet: Over

Over/under for total starts for Lamar Jackson (0.5): Jackson still looks so raw that he may need to be defrosted, and he could end up as the third-stringer behind Joe Flacco and Robert Griffin III. Then again, one start wins this bet with a tasty +150 moneyline (bet $100 to win $150), so all it would take is a Week 17 trial balloon or Jackson passing Griffin on the depth chart just as Flacco's power-ups wear off. Plus: How will books handle, say, Jackson starting the game under center in a two-quarterback formation for one play? It may be worth a modest prop bet to find out. Digest's bet: Over

Over/under for rushing yards for Saquon Barkley (1,000): Notice it says rushing yards, not scrimmage yards or total yards. If Barkley has Alvin Kamara's rookie year and you take the over, you lose this wager. Also, the over comes with a yucky -170 moneyline. With sports gambling now legal in New Jersey, expect the lines to reflect lots of newbie bets, and picking the big-name rookie to reach an obvious plateau is a classic newbie bet. Go against the flow and cheer every time Barkley gains 30 yards on a screen pass instead of taking a handoff. Digest's bet: Under

Over/under for sacks for Bradley Chubb (5.5): This line reflects the fact that high first-round pass-rushers like Chubb rarely get drafted by teams with already solid defenses. Chubb's going to record a half-dozen sacks just from quarterbacks who bump into him while running away from Von Miller. Digest's bet: Over

Offensive Rookie of the Year odds (Saquon Barkley +140, Baker Mayfield +400, Josh Rosen +900, Lamar Jackson +900, Josh Allen +1200, Rashaad Penny +1400, Calvin Ridley +1600, Derrius Guice +1600, Sam Darnold +1600, Sony Michel +1600, Royce Freeman +1800, Christian Kirk +3300, Courtland Sutton +3300, DJ Moore +3300, James Washington +3300, Ronald Jones +3300): The Rookie of the Year moneylines are cuckoo bananasville. Barkley at +140 is a sign that newbies can't process their enthusiasm about the Giants rookie. Most of the quarterbacks are bunched around +900; that isn't enough meat on the bone to hope Josh Allen wins a starting job, survives his own offensive line and receiving corps, etc. Freeman, meanwhile, was one of the few Broncos regulars who looked great Saturday. He has the inside track to win a starting job for a team that likes to run the ball. Even if the rest of the offense tanks, the Broncos should set up some short touchdown opportunities on defense. At 18-to-1, the Freeman risk-payout ratio is enticing. Digest's bet: Freeman (+1800)

(And yes, Derrius Guice at +1600 was listed here before his ACL injury. Darn it.)

Preseason Viewing Guide

Elaine Thompson/Associated Press

With our overreactions to Week 1 of the preseason in the books, it's time to start thinking about Week 2! Here's Digest's walk through next week's full slate of televised preseason games (all times Eastern):

Jets at Redskins, 8 p.m. Thursday, ESPN: Tune in to see whether Sam Darnold is assumed body and soul into heaven or gets turned on by the Big Apple like the kid who reminds the teacher to assign homework when the bell rings. Stick around to see Alex Smith make his Beltway debut and learn how the Skins will rotate their running backs without Derrius Guice. (Also, note that the Eagles and Patriots are playing Thursday night, which will be excruciatingly dull but would have been the nationally televised game in past eras. We've progressed as a society, at least in the good-preseason-broadcast-decision sense.)

Bills at Browns, 7:30 p.m. Friday, NFL Network: This is the most hotly anticipated preseason matchup since Andrew Luck versus Robert Griffin in 2012. You don't need Digest to tell you that Baker Mayfield + Josh Allen = appointment viewing.

Jaguars at Vikings, 1 p.m. Saturday, NFL Network: Jalen Ramsey and Donte Fowler were suspended for this game after Ramsey ripped a local beat reporter for recording a sideline confrontation between Fowler and a teammate. And if you think Digest is going to risk Ramsey's wrath with a zinger here, you overestimate our bravery. Anyway, both teams showed all they needed to show last week, so skip this one and do something life-affirming with your Saturday afternoon. Like re-watch Bills-Browns! 

Raiders at Rams, 4 p.m. Saturday, NFL Network: Another easy game to skip, as both teams won't want to play their veterans much, and the Raiders are nothing but veterans. Also, prolonged viewing of Sean Mannion may cause drowsiness, dizziness and feelings of ennui.

Bengals at Cowboys, 7 p.m. Saturday, NFL Network: Both the Cowboys and Bengals starters put on impressive shows in their preseason openers, as the Cowboys tried to prove they have a playoff-caliber receiving corps (they don't) and the Bengals tried to prove that they will be more exciting and dynamic than usual this year (it's theoretically possible).

Seahawks at Chargers, 10 p.m. Saturday, NFL Network: Someone named Alex McGough played quarterback for the entire second half for the Seahawks on Thursday and somehow completed 10 passes for 48 yards. You need to decide for yourself whether it's worth staying up late to figure out how a quarterback no one has ever heard of averages only 4.8 yards per completion.

Ravens at Colts, 8 p.m. Monday, ESPN: The Andrew Luck Proof of Life tour continues. And whatever you think of Lamar Jackson, you can't complain about the number of opportunities we're getting to watch him.

And Finally...

Julio Cortez/Associated Press

Remember Thursday night's silent-movie melodrama between Cam Newton and Kelvin Benjamin during pregame warmups? Well, thanks to a combination of lip-reading and wishful thinking, Digest acquired exclusive transcripts of the confrontation! That's right: This is is the only place where you can find out what Newton said to the former teammate who publicly blasted him.

As you are about to read, this was truly a conflict of classical proportions.

(Cam Newton approaches Kelvin Benjamin on the field, hands folded behind his back, as Benjamin cringes like a vampire before a sunbeam.)

CAM

Kelvin, the reason that I have to love thee

Doth much excuse the appertaining rage

To such a greeting. Villain am I none.

Therefore, farewell. I see thou know'st me not.

KELVIN

Cam, this shall not excuse the injuries

That thou hast done me. Therefore turn and draw.

CAM

I do protest I never injured thee,

But love thee better than thou canst devise,

And so, good Benjamin—which name I tender

As dearly as my own—be satisfied.

KELVIN

O calm dishonorable, vile submission!

Thomas, you linebacker, will you walk?

THOMAS DAVIS

Dude, I am out of here.

CAM

Gentle Kelvin, put thy rapier up!

KELVIN

I am hurt! A plague o' both your houses!

CAM

Courage, man. The hurt cannot be much.

KELVIN

No, 'tis not so deep as a well nor so wide as a church-door, but 'tis enough!

(Kelvin exeunt)

CAM

This day's black fate on more days doth depend.

This but begins the woe others must end.

And that, dear readers, was the day Cam Newton became not just Shakespearean, but presidential.