Interview: Baseball Crew Chief Speaks Out on Why He's a Moron (Satire)

Following last night's Game Four in the ALCS between the Yankees and Angels, I received a late-night call from umpiring crew chief Tim McClelland.

McClelland had apparently read my rant criticizing the job he and his six-man team had done, and he wanted to set the record straight.

Here, exclusive to Bleacher Report, is the interview the officiating world was fearing.

Ash: So, Tim, I understand you took issue with some of the things I said following Game Four of yesterday's championship series in Los Angeles. Can you explain to me what happened, in your own words?

Tim: I surely can, young man. What basically happened is that Major League Baseball found the worst five umpires in the business and told me to watch over them to make sure they didn't do anything stupid. Can you believe Bud Selig did that to me?

Ash: You're blaming your colleagues for all of the bad calls?

Tim: Of course I am. Did you watch the game? They were awful. Fieldin Culbreth did a decent job at first base, but Jerry Lane and Dave Scott.....Wow.

Ash: You mean Dale Scott?

Tim: Yeah, Dale. That's what I said.

Ash: Dale was down at second base last night, for those of you who didn't watch the game. How would you rate his performance?

Tim: Like I Tweet'd during the seventh-inning stretch, Dave is blind, slow, and stupid. He spends most of the game looking into the Yankees' dugout for celebrities, and then he cries like a baby because people like you question his ability on the field.

Did he tell you he saw Adam Sandler and asked him for his autograph for his boy? He only brought it up in conversation like, I dunno, a bajillion times.

Ash: Never mind movie stars. What about Jerry Lane? The big guy behind the plate called a good game, right?

Tim: "Big" guy is right. Jerry is so out of shape, that he asked Mike Napoli to sit on the floor when he was catching so that he could see over his shoulder. Jerry can't bend forward to tie his own shoelaces, so how is he supposed to call balls and strikes?

Ash: Was the home plate umpire that bad? The general view from the press box was that he had a decent night out there.

Tim: Really? That surprises me. He was so busy counting the pebbles in his pocket that he missed almost everything.

Ash: The pebbles?

Tim: Yeah. Jerry does this little thing with small stones. He has five of them that he grips in his hand. For every ball, he puts one in his left pocket. For every strike, he places one in the right pocket.

The problem is, the guy is so stupid that he dropped one somewhere behind home plate and had no idea what to do. He was walking batters after two balls, for goodness sake.

Ash: What about you? You blew two awful calls.

Tim: Listen, they were both spot on. When I saw Jorge [Posada] and Robinson [Cano] talking at third base, I thought to myself, 'You know what, Robbie. Jorge should have scored on that double to the wall. I'll call him out for you.'

As for Swish-a-licious tagging up...Well, let's just say Mike Scioscia and I go way back.

Ash: You threw the call? He bribed you?

Tim: "Bribe" is such a strong word, young man. He has a beach house he doesn't use for two months in the early spring. I needed a place to forget my troubles.

Ash: Speaking of troubles, is this the worst officiating performance you've been a part of?

Tim: Haha, you're joking, right? I've seen umpires toss third base into the visiting dugout, I've seen Jeff Kellogg snacking on a corn dog in the outfield, heck, one time I even got suspended for three games for catching a pop-up.

Ash: With all these issues on the field, did last night's game reignite the case for video replays?

Tim: The idea is stupid, if you ask me. I'd be out of a job. So would Jerry and Dave. Wait...Dale, not Dave. Dale Scott. We have to make the calls ourselves. Remember, there is no 'I' in 'replay', but two in 'incompetent official'.

Ash: There's three I's, Tim. Three ! You're useless. A moron. All of you are.

Tim: Yeah, you may be right, son. But this isn't the NBA—they're not going to bring a bunch of scrubs in to replace us. A foul ball here, fan interference there. Who really cares? This is our job. And it's the easiest job in the world.