Browns-Steelers: Bad Defense, Good Cooking

The Cleveland Browns proved one thing on Sunday—they are now a consistent team.

They consistently drop passes, try the same play too many times in a row, miss tackles, and give opposing quarterbacks far too much time in the pocket.

Since I don't want to dwell on the negative, let's move on to brighter things.

I decided to have some friends over for the game and at least have some good company while watching the Browns lose. I’m a Browns fan, but I am a realist. Despite my fatalistic attitude, though, I was hoping to be pleasantly surprised.

So instead of spending a lot of money by ordering pizza and wings, I decided to flex my cooking muscles and make sloppy joes.

Did you see how wide open every single Pittsburgh wide receiver was? It was comical.

Back to the feast, I started by dicing up one whole onion and one whole pepper. I added a little over a pound of ground beef to the mix, seasoned it with salt and pepper and began cooking.

Seriously, I know D’Qwell Jackson was out with the flu, but the defensive backups still have to make tackles. Plus, it looked like Kaluka Maiava had never seen a game of football in his life.

After the meat had browned I added one large can of diced tomatoes and sprinkled in some brown sugar and Worcestershire sauce. I let that simmer for about 10 minutes and then I added a small can of tomato paste.

When it comes to Derek Anderson, I want to know how all his die-hard fans can still support a guy who clearly has no touch on short passes, little touch on mid-range passes and tends to overthrow the long ball.

I know there were drops, but when a quarterback goes 9-24, that’s not all the receivers' fault.

Once the sloppy joes had simmered a few more minutes, I seasoned them until the food met my taste standards and I let it continue to simmer until halftime. We already had devoured a whole bunch of chips and salsa during the first half, so we didn’t cook any sides to go with the main course.

The series of five turnovers in 3:57 during the latter part of the third quarter was so bad that I was beginning to wonder if the Browns could actually beat Pittsburgh. If bad football is contagious, the Browns definitely had infected Pittsburgh.

As for the turnovers, I’m glad head coach Eric Mangini still values ball control and not turning the ball over in his quarterbacks.

The meal went over well and I received several compliments. It only was my second try with this recipe, so I was pleased when all the compliments seemed genuine.

Cleveland was out-gained 543-197 and still only lost 27-14. I don’t know whether to be pleased the game wasn’t worse or to be enraged over how pathetic Brian Daboll is as an offensive coordinator.

Dessert consisted of a store-bought cookie cake. It didn’t last long and it was delicious. I told everyone I had been up since 4 a.m. cooking everything, but no one believed me.

I was pleased to see the return of the Wildcat to the Browns offense, but once again, Daboll doesn’t know when to use it for maximum effectiveness. Daboll also hasn’t learned that once you show a play to the Steelers defense, they’ll recognize it and kill it if you run it two times in a row.

I hold Daboll personally responsible for Joshua Cribbs' interception because that play should never have been run. I could read that play from my couch.

One of my good friends had to work during the game and warned everyone not to text or call him as he was recording it to watch after he got home from work.

He called during Turnoverfest 2009, ironically enough, just because he has a great sense of timing (and to ask if the BCS rankings had come out yet). I did leak the five turnovers to him, to which he responded with a chuckle and a very sarcastic, “Great.”

In conclusion, the Steelers had nine pass plays that went for more than 20 yards, the Browns dropped two interceptions, and Ben Roethlisburger had time to do his taxes while sitting in the pocket.

But that was all made better by Cribs' 98-yard kickoff return for a touchdown.

Actually, it wasn’t. I’m still upset.

Tune in next week when I make a chicken casserole.