Classless Week 5 Predictions!!

Hello Bleacher Report!!!  Since what you’re about to read is going to make you hate us a good bit for stealing your time and energy, I’ll keep the intro short.  Starting with Week 2 of the NFL Season, Dr. Jaded and Dean Indignant have been battling it out by picking the winners in the NFL every week and trying to sound entertaining while doing so.

They’re failing at both…

Vikings (4-0) @ Rams (0-4)

Indignant: Put a Santa Claus hat on Brad Childress and tell me his pedophile beard isn’t 3 inches and 2 shades away from making him a doppelganger of the shoddy-animation’d Santa from the iconic Rudolph movie. That’s the most interesting thing to think of during any game involving the Rams.

P.S. Prepare for another 6 days of Favresicle sucking. (Vikings)

Jaded: Here’s the cool thing about this game.  Ready?  Alright, I lied, I got nothing – this game sucks.  I am developing a theory though that says the teams in the NFL are secretly trying to one-up each other by how badly they beat up on the Rams.  I probably shouldn’t care, but based on what the 49ers did to St. Louis and what the Vikings did to Aaron Rodgers I am secretly excited.  I legitimately feel bad for what’s about to happen to Kyle Boller though.  May he rest in peace.  By the way is SJax a free agent yet?  (Vikings)

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Cowboys (2-2) @ Chiefs (0-4)

Indignant: I was recently perusing a gambling website where they displayed their Sports Betting section with an icon depicting Tony Romo. I took this as a literal sign from them, and an ambiguous one from the sports betting Gods that we shall all forever bet against Tony Romo. I’d take the points this week, but straight up, give me the Cowboys. (Cowboys)

Jaded:  Has there ever been a battle of QBs that is more likely to result in Fantasy owner suicide?  I can see it now:  Fantasy trash talk is at an all time high right now, I’m sure.  Romo owners are praying for a reconciliation with Jess so Tony will only suck when it doesn’t matter to them (read: The NFL Playoffs) and Cassell owners are undoubtedly thinking that this is the week Dwayne Bowe realizes he doesn’t suck because the Cowboys secondary does.  Trust me on this, drink the Kool-Aid now and save yourself the heartache.  (Cowboys)

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Redskins (2-2) @ Panthers (0-3)

Indignant: This is the most intriguing matchup of mediocrity since I played my grandma one on one a couple weeks ago. Nevermind who won, but I’m just saying sometimes it’s the storylines and the drama that matter more so than the level of play. (Panthers)

Jaded:  Mediocrity is a strong word, Indignant.  The way I see it, there are two ways to interpret it.  I could use it as a way to guesstimate the way that any girl has ever referred to a sexual encounter with myself (being very VERY generous of course.)  Or I could take it as you actually being nice to me by saying my Panthers don’t suck.

Face it; this year in the NFL is a story of haves and have-nots and the gap between the two groups is freakin’ enormous.  I couldn’t pick my Super Bowl favorite if you put a gun to my head, but I could pretty easily run off the teams picking top ten picks in the Draft next year.  This game serves to draw the line between the two.  The loser is on the clock and the winner gets to find some false hope for the next few weeks. 

I hate false hope… (Panthers)

P.S.  Did she kick your ass in Scrabble again?

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Bucs (0-4) @ Eagles (2-1)

Indignant:  A more competitive matchup would be Andy Reid vs. Byron Leftwich in a competitive eating decathlon. Tell me you wouldn’t bet the over under on whether they eat more or less than 35 Snack Packs or 23 Hot Pockets. My money would be on Reid, as it will be on the Eagles this week. (Eagles)

Jaded:  I think you’re wrong.  I think Leftwich has a LOT more to prove than Andy does.  Besides, let’s be honest, in a match between Reid and Leftwich I have a hard time believing both wouldn’t find a way to finish in second place.  Andy Reid is notorious for finishing runner up.  Be it in the NFC for far too many years or that one time in the Super Bowl.  Byron, on the other hand, has more variety in his repertoire.  He was the 2^nd string guy for a mediocre Jags team, a Super Bowl winning Steelers team, and now a freakin’ terrible Bucs team.  My money’s on Vick showing up at the eating contest wearing a PETA t-shirt and stealing the gold medal by secretly feeding his entourage of canines for good publicity.  (Eagles)

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Raiders (1-3) @ Giants (4-0)

Indignant: Last week on ESPN’s First Take Kordell Stewart claimed he could be a better quarterback right now than Jamarcus Russell is. Needless to say, the ESPN’ers made a big deal out of something that is obvious to every single person who’s witnessed Russell take even one snap. Eli Manning couldn’t be hurt enough for me to pick the Raiders. If he died from eating paint chips and the Giants players all skipped the game for the funeral, I’d still pick NY. (Giants)

Jaded:  You think Kordell would play for the Panthers????  Can you call him and ask?  (Did I really just say that?  God I feel bad for Delhomme). (Giants)

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Browns (0-4) @ Bills (1-3)

Indignant: Apparently Braylon Edwards projected some sort of Lebron James-hate upon a Cleveland club owner by connecting with a right hook to the guys eye. On a positive note, that’s Edwards first noteworthy “connection” of the year. (Bills)

Jaded:  I’m disappointed in you.  If you were going to go with a corny pun you could have at least said that Edwards drops more than passes these days.  Whatever, I’m over it.  On an otherwise miserable schedule, this game sort of appeals to me.  Do you really think TO is going to let another WR one-up him in shenanigans before playing him?  Buffalo, protect your infants, TO WILL punch one if he gets in the end zone this weekend.  Meh, who am I kidding, he’s not scoring unless he plays CB and guards that Massaquoi dude.

Speaking of Mohamed Massaquoi, does anybody else find it awkward that Anderson throws to him as much as he does?  Where do we draw the line between fledgling QB-WR connection and unhealthy obsession with a WR by a QB?  Just sayin… (Bills)

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Bengals (3-1) @ Ravens (3-1)

Indignant: Ray Lewis seemed pretty upset after that Patriots game. With that in mind, I predict the Raven’s make a statement at home by stabbing someone on the Bengals; and also they’ll beat up on the Bengals. Thus further proving they’re the cream of the crop in committing homicides and the AFC North. ( I swear I saw Ray Lewis and Ed Reed on Gangland this weekend). (Ravens)

Jaded:  I’m genuinely excited for this game.  I’m so excited I actually just watched Adam Sandler in The Longest Yard to get myself ready for the atmosphere that will surround this game.  I’m not sure which team represents the Guards and which represents the Prisoners, but I’m damn certain that the city of Baltimore had put every armed man, woman, and child in the stands with heavy artillery to protect themselves.  If this game gets out of hand there will be blood.  (Ravens)

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Steelers (2-2) @ Lions (1-3)

Indignant: From what I understand the Steelers are done with replacing their starters with the local Girl Scouts of America Troop during 4^th quarters after last weeks close call against the Chargers, so they should be able to hold off the Motor City Megatrons in this one. (Steelers)

Jaded:  Yep, the Steelers suddenly remembered that you have to play four quarters to win a game.  Good for them, good for the city of Pittsburgh, TERRIBLE for me.  In other news, am I a bad person for hoping Stafford misses this game so I can pad the sorrow of watching the Steelers win with the possible murder of Daunte Culpepper?  He’s going to do that stupid ‘rolling thing’ with his hands and Roethlisberger (now a card carrying member of Degeneration-X doncha know) is going to sit on him.  God I hate the Steelers.

(Steelers)

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Falcons (2-1) @ 49ers (3-1)

Indignant: I really don’t want to jinx my 49ers here. I’ll just say that their D made the Rams look like the worst team in the NFL last week; which they are. So for the first time in a very long time, the 49ers have gone a handful of weeks in a row without severely disappointing their fan-base. I really think they can keep it up at home this coming week. (49ers)

Jaded:  Unlike you, I really want to jinx your 49ers here.  Not only because a win for them would make you happy, but because of our 5 vs. 5 bet where we took four teams plus our favorite teams and bet the overall records for the year.  So far it looks like this:

Jaded:
New England (3-1)
Pittsburgh (2-2)
Seattle (1-3)
Indianapolis (4-0)
Carolina (0 -3)
Overall: 10 - 9

Indignant:
San Diego (2–2)
Green Bay (2–2)
New Orleans (4-0)
Jacksonville (2-2)
San Francisco(3-1)

Overall: 13 – 7

Aka, I’m getting pounded against my will.  On the other hand, after ‘the pass’ in Minnesota if I manage to come back in this shin-dig, I’m sending Brett Favre a thank you card.

Oh yeah, and I’m not prepared to pick against the Falcons after the whole losing to New England and then getting a bye thing.  (Falcons)

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Patriots (3-1) @ Broncos (4-0)

Indignant: A lot will be made of Josh McDaniels playing against his “mentor” Bill Bellicheck. In my opinion though, the real story here is still whether or not the ’09 Broncos are the equivalent of the ’08 Dolphins. They will have a good record; probably win their division with a new coach and despite  playing against immensely more talented teams from week to week. I think this is a good theory but I still think the Pats win a very close one for the second week in a row. (Patriots)

Jaded:  That comparison pretty much says it all, but there’s one difference:  the 2008 Dolphins didn’t have the Football god Kyle Orton at QB for them.  It’s times like these when I wish there was an accepted emoticon for showing e-sarcasm.  (Patriots)

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Texans (2-2) @ Cardinals (1-2)

Indignant: Steve Slaton finally decided this past week to join the rest of the league in starting the 2009 season. Welcome Mr. Slaton, it’s been a nutty season. None of us quite know what to make of your Texan teammates or your Arizona opponents this week. I’m going to pick the Cards though, coming off of a bye week, playing at home, with Fitzgerald, Warner and Jesus on their side.  (Cardinals)

Jaded:  I suck at picking Cardinals games, and I suck at picking Jaguars games.  That said, there is a damned good chance this game ends in a tie.  On the other hand, this game is sort of cool from a media and drama point of view.  We all know Fitz is an athletic monster, but does anybody know if he has any killer instinct?  Does he have it in him to tell Kurt Warner there is no God in the huddle after Warner checks down for the 50^th time and refuses to throw over the top to him? 

IF he has that killer instinct, then I’m sure all the talk about that Sims-Walker dude is getting to him and I would love to see Fitz carted off the field a la Hannibal Lecter after ripping Warner a new one at some point this week.  (Texans, I guess.)

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Jaguars (2-2) @ Seahawks (1-3)

Indignant: These two team, by far, supremely surpass every other team in the N.F.L. . . .  in the category of cool team mascot. Just imagine a Jaguar pouncing from a tree to attack a cool looking silver and blue bird who’s streaking through the air. Pretty sweet huh? Other than that though, these teams are pretty boring, even though I chose the Jags to do well this season I still have to admit that much. (Jaguars)

Jaded:  HUGE game for the Jaded v. Indignant challenge.  I’m taking Seattle for obvious reasons, although I should probably take the Jags to avoid being mad twice.  I digress. (Seahawks)

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Colts (4-0) @ Titans (0-4)

Indignant: Is there some way, some how that Vince Young’s poop-flinging throwing motion and bi-polar mindset gives the Titans a better chance to win this year? Jeff Fishers team is definitely the biggest conundrum of the year. (Colts)

Jaded:  I’ve learned two things this year from watching Peyton Manning.  First of all, you could line up Eric Cartman, Miley Cyrus, and Tucker Max at receiver for them and he would make them unbelievably great.  And secondly, since looking at Peyton for ten years has given me no indication of how he could be so good, I finally figured it out.  Let me preface my discovery by saying that while Tom Brady looks like he would eat his first born on the field, Peyton legitimately looks like the evil genius who is cutting up everything in front of him and having a freakin’ blast doing so.  Regardless, I finally found the key to his success:  the thumbs up run.  Watch the goofy bastard while he jogs on the field, always has his hands at his side like a marine but his thumbs pointing up like he’s hitchhiking from the 50 yard line.  Needless to say my first son is going to be severely beaten every time he jogs without both thumbs in the air.  (Yes, I realize I’m not even close to funny…)(Colts)

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Jets (3-1) @ Dolphins (1-3)

Indignant: Sexy Sanchez and the rest of Rex Ryan’s bunch let down most of the American media last Sunday by crapping themselves down on Bourbon St. (like many have done before them.) They are good, but not great; and needed a game like that to bring their expectations back down to Earth. This game should be within their reach though. They’ll expose Henne the way that the Bills should have last week. (Jets)

Jaded:  I’ve been anxiously waiting to comment on this game, probably why my previous picks sucked more than usual.  I am useless in many aspects of my life and I acknowledge this.  However having said that, one of the few traits I possess with any value is my ability to sniff out a conspiracy in an elementary school if I wanted.  This Edwards trade just stinks of one.

There are a few obvious choices, like the thought that New York actually sent Mangini to Cleveland to rape them of their few treasures; but that’s too easy.

There’s the school of thought that the New York Jets organization has been getting away with tampering with every above average WR in the league because they ratted out the Patriots and Spygate in 2007; but that’s just boring.

No, I have found the ultimate conspiracy and it can be traced back to none other than…

…Lebron James?

By my allegation, Lebron and Braylon Edwards are actually best friends (possibly on the down-low, but the jury is still out) and Lebron, while posing as an agent of the shitty of Cleveland, had Edwards sent to NY to mark their territory for Lebron’s eventual arrival in the Big Apple after free agency in the NBA next summer where the two amigos will be reunited in a spin-off from Sex in the City called ‘LeBray in the City.’  A compelling story of two thuggish athletes seeking out friendship, love, money, and possibly equal rights for African American homosexuals every week on HBO!!!

(I’m drooling…)
(Jets.)

Record Through Week 4:
Indignant: 24-22

Jaded: 33-13